Super Bowl LVII (aka 57) takes place this coming Sunday, one week from today. And that's means it's time for my scientific analysis and prediction of who will win: The Kansas City Chiefs or The Philadelphia Eagles.
1. The Cities
Chiefs: Kansas City
A population of a 2.3 and some million (in the metro area). It's got one other professional sports team, the Royals of baseball. There's really not a whole more else to report about Kansas City (although it was nice to find a pic of their Union Station all lit up in purple).
Eagles: Philadelphia
A population of 6.2 million people in the metro area, making it the 6th largest city in the USA. In addition to football, it's got a professional baseball, basketball, hockey, soccer and even lacrosse team. It's got Independence Hall, the Liberty Bell, the Rocky Statue, among many other tourist attractions.
Winner: Eagles
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2. Distance From Super Bowl
(the theory being, the closer team will have more fans there, making it more of a home field advantage than the other team)
The Super Bowl is in Phoenix Arizona this year (Glendale AZ technically, but we'll go with the place the local team is from)
Chiefs: 1220 miles away
Philadelphia: 2358 miles away
Winner: Chiefs
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3. Team Mascot/Logo
Chiefs:
Eagles:
Chiefs are strong, Native American warriors. Eagles are strong, large birds of prey. I think Native American Warriors can take a bird, even if it's a large bird of prey. And the logos are both kinda cool, so that doesn't help. So I guess the winner is....
Winner: Chiefs
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4. Coaches
Chiefs: Andy Reid
Andy Reid is 64 years old. He's been a coach, at all levels, since 1982 (40 years). He's been the Chief's head coach for 9 years. And in fact, he was the head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles for 13 years. This will be Andy's 4th Super Bowl, his record in the previous three are 1-2, one win with the Chiefs, and a loss with both the Eagles and the Chiefs.
Eagles: Nick Sirianni
Nick Sirianni is 41 years old (Andy Reid's been a coach as long as he's been alive!). He's been a coach, at all levels, since 2004 (18 years). He's been the Eagles head coach since 2021, just 2 years. He has never been to a Super Bowl before.
Due to age, coaching experience, Super Bowl experience, and just sheer football experience, the winner has got to be...
Winner: Chiefs (Andy Reid)
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5. 2022 Season record
(including playoffs)
Chiefs: 16-3
Eagles: 16-3
Winner: Tie
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6. Quarterback Experience
Chiefs: Patrick Mahomes, 27 years old.
Eagles: Jalen Hurts, 24 years old
Winner: Clearly Chiefs
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7. Quarterback Face Cuteness
Chiefs: Patrick Mahomes
Eagles: Jalen Hurts
Honestly, I'm gonna have to call this one a tie
(on a different note, I wonder if there's been a Super Bowl before where both quarterbacks were men of color?)
Winner: Tie
(follow up, I just looked it up and this will be the first time both starting quarterbacks are men of color. Whaddya know?)
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8. Quarterback Body Hotness
Chiefs: Patrick Mahomes
Eagles: Jalen Hurts
Hmmm, well I'd not throw either of them outta bed (except to fuck them on the floor), but I think I'm gonna give this one to Hurts. He's just a bit more defined.
(now I may need a minute to think about having these men in bed....at the same time......)
Winner: Eagles
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9. Team's Other Star Player
Chiefs: Travis Kelce
Travis is a Tight End (oh I just BET he is), he's 33 years old, he's played for the Chiefs since 2013 and in that time, he's been in 17 playoff games.
Eagles: Jason Kelce
He's the team center, he's 35 years old, he's played for the Eagles since 2011 and in that time, he's been to the playoffs six seasons and won one Super Bowl.
Yes, they're brothers and, I just confirmed, this will be the first time brothers have played each other in the Super Bowl.
Winner: (since I prefer a nice bubble butt to a hairy bear) Travis and the Chiefs
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10. Team's Super Bowl Experience.
Chiefs:
This will be the Chiefs' 5th Super Bowl, current record: 2-2 (50%)
Eagles:
This will be Eagles' 4th Super Bowl, current record is 1-2 (33%)
Neither record is quite stellar, but clearly, 50% is better than 33%, so...
Winner: Chiefs
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So this completely scientific and totally unbiased study, results in the following:
Chiefs - 6 wins, Eagles - 2 wins, ties - 2
Thus, at the end of this year's Super Bowl, the Kansas City Chiefs taking home the trophy again.
POLT
PS
Just in case you're wondering what my track record on these "scientific" predictions:
Season My Pick Winner
2021 Rams Rams
2020 Chiefs Bucs
2019 Chiefs Chiefs
2018 Rams Patriots
2017 neither Eagles
2016 Patriots Patriots
2015 Panthers Broncos
2014 Seahawks Patriots
2013 Seahawks Seahawks
2012 Ravens Ravens
2011 Patriots Giants
2010 Packers Packers
2009 Saints Saints
2008 Cardinals Steelers
2007 Patriots Giants
2006 Colts Colts
2005 Seahawks Steelers
Predicted correctly: 8; Predicted incorrectly: 8; and 1 I didn't predict at all. This time will be the tie breaker!
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