So,  I had a dream last night...

I was in my old apartment, but I wasn't living there.  An online acquaintance Mikey was living there...although everything looked the same, furniture, art, etc, as when I lived there.  And I was giving him little gifts.  All kinds of gifts.  I don't remember what they were, but he was saying how he liked and appreciated every one.  He has a daughter, but I was giving them for another friend's son. Why I was giving them to Mikey, who knows?

SO, the next thing I know, dad's sitting there in a chair in the living room with us.  My dad who's been dead for 15 years this October.  But I kept giving little gifts to him.  And then his husband Ty arrived there too, an he made over the little gifts i gave them.

And then my mother came into the apartment, and it was time for us to go.  We I gathered up my stuff, putting them in a paperbag, and tolling the top together and down so I could carry it and we left, going down the central stairway.

But when we reached the second floor, it was no longer two apartments, it was open and extended out much farther than the building.  in the front, was an Ollies stores, all those crazy signs and such.  As we walked towards the back, it opened up into a little grassy square, with small houses lining the roads surrounding the square.  I was just walking around, in a daze and amazed that I was seeing on this on the second floor of my old apartment building. 

And then some girl came up and asked me where Kookee was.  Kookee was our first little poodle we had.  She weighed like 14 pounds and was all black and we had her for about 14, 15 years.  Up until like 2002 or so.  But now, I too wondered where Kookee was.

And then to my horror, the paper bag I was holding started to move on it's own.  I opened it and inside was Kookee, looking very sickly.  I had her in there, almost suffocating her!  I took her out of the bag with her gasping for breath and looking like she might die.  I put on the ground in the grass, and then she changed into a small child, long white hair and pale.  

I told her how sorry I was I kept her in the bag.  She looked up and me and smiled and said it was fine, even though she was still trying to get her breath.     And I felt such horror, such guilt, such self loathing for what I had done, almost killing her, that I woke up....

And man I STILL felt all that guilt.  I hated myself for it.  And It took me a few minutes of self calming to get over it all, although the guilt remained for a bit even after I got out of bed a little while later.

Crazy...just crazy.

POLT