I know the internet is not really the place to bare one's soul, but whatever, here we go.
I've not been doing well lately. Ever since my co-worker's funeral on Wednesday.
I'm sad about her passing yes, but that's not what's affecting me. Her death has brought to the forefront the fact my mom is only three years younger that my coworker was. And that's highlighted the fact she's not going to be around forever.
And I've known this, realized this for years. Nearly every holiday, I think "this could be the last one we spend together". Not that I obsess about her dying, but like, it's there, looming over me, in the background.
And then THAT brings into hard focus my own mortality. The fact that my coworker was only 28 years old than me. It was 1998 when she was my current age. And then the brings to the forefront that my dad was only 68 years old when he died (10 years older than me) and my mom's father was only 75 when he died (17 years old than me). I think back....17 years ago, I bought that house. The time I've lived here might be the only time I have remaining! Or even less!
So, yes, I've spiraled into a web of existential dread, depression, anxiety and as a result, apathy. I'm feel overwhelmed sometimes and don't know what to do, so I do nothing. I sleep. I sit and stare at the wall. I get these nasty headaches, headaches the Tylenol takes the edge off, but which still remain. Headaches which had kept me from work the last two days.
Which really probably wasn't a good thing. Interaction with other people at work, at the very least, might have taken my mind off of this shit I've been thinking and made me feel better. But with the pain in my head and everything else, I just couldn't go. I WILL got tomorrow, as I'm the only one there on Saturdays. Even if don't stay the whole day, I will go to do the things that must be done that day.
I probably should get out and like take a walk or something...but I can't even be bothered to take a shower. I hate feeling this way...but at the same time, I don't really care enough about it to actively change my behavior.
*SIGH*
Oh well, as I said I'm going to work tomorrow regardless, I'll just pop some Tylenol and head on over. We'll see if that does some good.
POLT
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