Super Bowl LVIII (58 for you non-Roman numeral literate) is fast approaching, and that means it's time for me use my scientific evaluations and make a prediction as to the winner: the Kansas City Chiefs or the San Francisco 49ers.
1. The Cities
Chiefs: Kansas City
(I just copied this part from last year)
A population of a 2.3 and some million (in the metro area). It's got one other professional sports team, the Royals of baseball. There's really not a whole more else to report about Kansas City (although it was nice to find a pic of their Union Station all lit up in purple).
Niners: San Francisco
San Francisco proper is some 800,000 people, but the metro area has a population of more than 3.5 million people. In addition to the Niners, baseball's Giants and basketball's Golden State Warriors play within the area. There's also a whole host of important site: Golden Gate Bridge, Alcatraz, cable cars, The Castro, Fisherman's Wharf, and many museums, theaters, colleges, universities, and many cultural places, events and areas.
Winner: Niners
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2. Distance from the Super Bowl.
The Super Bowl is in Las Vegas this year.
Chiefs: 1,350 miles away
Niners: 576 miles away
Winner: Niners
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3. Team Mascot/Logos
Chiefs:
Niners:
Hmm, so they're both just letters of the cities names. Pretty boring. But the Chiefs at least have an arrowhead, while the Niners have.....an oval. Which has nothing whatsoever to do with San Francisco or a 49er.
Winner: Chiefs
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4. Coaches
Chiefs: Andy Reid
Andy Reid is 65 years old. He's been a coach, at all levels, since 1982 (41 years). He's been the Chief's head coach for 10 years. And in fact, he was the head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles for 13 years. This will be Andy's 5th Super Bowl, his record in the previous three are 2-2, two wins with the Chiefs, and a loss with both the Eagles and the Chiefs. He's led the team to 6 AFC Championship Games in a row, and three Super Bowls in 4 years.
Niners: Kyle Shanahan
Kyle Shanahan is 44 years old (he was just out of diapers when Andy Reid started coaching). He's held various NFL assistant coaching positions since 2004, and the head coach of the Niners since 2017. He's led the Niners to 4 NFC Championship Games in 5 years, and to one previous Super Bowl, 4 years ago, which he lost....to the Kansas City Chiefs and Andy Reid.
Winner: Chiefs
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5. 2023 Season Records
Chiefs: 11-6 regular season (65%), total record 14-6 (70%)
Niners: 12-5 regular season (71%), total record 14-5 (74%)
Winners: Niners
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6. Quarterback Experience
Chiefs: Patrick Mahomes, 28 years old
He has been quarterback of the Chiefs since 2017. In that time, he has a regular season record of 75-22 (77% win rate), a postseason record of 13-3 (81% win rate), taken his team to the AFC Championship game 6 out of the 7 season he's played, and this will be his fourth Super Bowl. He's won 2 Super Bowls and been a Super Bowl MVP. He holds 13 NFL records himself.
Niners: Brock Purdy, 24 years old
This is his second season in the NFL, both with the Niners. His regular season record is 17-4 (having only started 5 games last season, for a win rate of 81%), a post season record of 4-1 (80% win rate). This is his first Super Bowl. I am sick to tears of the "Mr. Irrelevant" Schick, so I'll not go any further into it here.
Winner: Chiefs
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7. Quarterback Face Cuteness
Chiefs: Patrick Mahomes
Niners: Brock Purdy
Purdy isn't bad but kinda....average. Mahomes, however, I have always found attractive.
Winner: Chiefs
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8. Quarterback Body Hotness
Chiefs: Patrick Mahomes
Niners: Brock Purdy
They've been making jokes about Mahomes' "dad bod" which I don't see. I mean, yeah he doesn't have ripped abs, but it's not a dad bod. And Purdy, we;; he's got some pretty sweet biceps, pecs and nips.
Winner: TIE
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9. Team's Other Star Player
Chiefs; Travis Kelce
Kelce is a tight end and he's 34 years old. He's played for the Chiefs since 2013 and the Super Bowl will be the 21st playoff game he's played in.
Niners: Christian McCaffrey
McCaffrey is 27 years old. He's been in the NFL since 2017, playing with Panthers until traded to the Niners in 2022. This will be the 7th playoff game he's played in.
So, attractiveness wise, I'm not into bears, and mid-20s guys are better than mid-30s guy. So that would seem to point to McCaffrey. But Kelce has a much more impressive resume, which should point to Kelce. And that being the case this SHOULD be a tie.
However. With his vaccination advocacy, and Taylor Swift, and the way the both, separately AND together make the heads of the MAGA wingnuts explode, the winner HAS to be....
Winner: Chiefs
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10. Team's Super Bowl Experience
Chiefs: This will be the Chiefs 6th Super Bowl, with a record of 3-2 (60%)
Niners: This will be the Niners 8th Super Bowl, with a record of 5-2 (71%)
In both the number of appearances and the percentage of wins, the winner is...
Winner: Niners
So after this completely scientific and totally unbiased analysis, we have the following:
Chiefs - 5 wins, Niners - 4 wins, ties - 1
Thus, this at the end of this year's Super Bowl, the Kansas Chiefs will be hefting the Lombardi Trophy again.
POLT
PS
Just in case you're wondering what my track record on these "scientific" predictions:
Season My Pick Winner
2022 Chiefs Chiefs
2021 Rams Rams
2020 Chiefs Bucs
2019 Chiefs Chiefs
2018 Rams Patriots
2017 neither Eagles
2016 Patriots Patriots
2015 Panthers Broncos
2014 Seahawks Patriots
2013 Seahawks Seahawks
2012 Ravens Ravens
2011 Patriots Giants
2010 Packers Packers
2009 Saints Saints
2008 Cardinals Steelers
2007 Patriots Giants
2006 Colts Colts
2005 Seahawks Steelers
Predicted correctly: 9; Predicted incorrectly: 8; and 1 I didn't predict at all.
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