So, the 2024 NFL playoff season starts this afternoon. Since I'm such a tremendous prognosticator, let me tell you how these games this weekend are gonna go.
Los Angeles Chargers (#5) at Houston Texans (#4)
Firstly, they should still be in San Diego, not Los Angeles, just sayin. Second, Chargers are 11-6, Texans are 10-7. Thirdly, Chargers are coached by Jim Harbaugh, who improves every football team, college or pro, he coaches. He's taken a team to the Super Bowl and has at least one college playoff champion. And, the Texans are coached by...I have no idea who.
So, Chargers win this one.
Pittsburgh Steelers (#6) at Baltimore Ravens (#3)
Steelers are 10-7, Ravens at 12-5. Ravens have young mobile Lamar Jackson at QB, Steelers have not young and not mobile Russell Wilson at QB. Lamar Jackson has two MVP awards, Wilson's been to two Super Bowl, having won only one of them. But still, Super Bowls trump MVP awards.
Still, where I live has a lot of Steeler fans, and they're some of the whiniest lil bitches when it comes to their team. Anytime the Steelers lose, it's because the other cheated, or the refs were against the Steelers, or the NFL wanted the other team to win to they fixed it, etc, etc, etc.
For this reason alone, I'm picking the Ravens. (although even without the whiney fans, I'd pick the Ravens.)
Denver Broncos (#7) at Buffalo Bills (#2)
Broncos are 10-7, the Bills are 13-4. It gonna be cold in Buffalo, which is usually to their advantage, but the Broncos aren't from Miani, they know how to play in frigid temps in Denver. I can't stand the Broncos coach, Sean Peyton, even though he is a good coach, but like a certain retired "goat" quarterback and an orange shitgibbon, Peyton cheats. So that kinda negates how good he otherwise is. Plus I like the Bills, not as much as some other teams, but definitely better than the Broncos.
So, the Bills will win and move on to next week.
And now, onto the NFC (they've scheduled the three AFC games first, instead of mixing up the conference games as they usually do. I'm fine with it actually).
Green Bay Packers (#7) at Philadelphia Eagles (#2)
Packers are 11-6 and the Eagles are 14-3. God I hate both these teams. Can't they both lose? Nah, doesn't work that way. Then fine... Eagles running back Saquan Barkley has humongous thighs, and I love me some thick thighs, so I get to see his thighs another week, it won't be a bad thing.
Eagles win on the basis of Barkley thighs.
Washington Commanders (#6) at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (#3)
Wash (both their names are just too damn long, so I'm only calling the Wash) is 12-5, Bucs (again, too long of a name) is 10-7. God I hate BOTH these teams as well! Can't they both lose TOO? No. Fuck. Okay, well it just doesn't seem to me like the Bucs should even be in the playoffs. They're in a CRAP division, so they're just the least crappiest team there. Shit floats to the top, dontcha know? Anyway, despite my lifelong hatred of DC football teams, they're at least not crap. Or not as crappy as the Bucs.
Sadly, Wash wins.
Minnesota Vikings (#5) at Los Angeles Rams (#4)
Vikings are 14-3, the Rams at 10-7. This game is wrong, the Rams should be playing in Minnesota, not the other way around. But that's the way the playoffs play. Much like the Bucs, the Rams are a crap team from a crap division. And again, I don't even think they should be here. But here they are, in the playoffs. For this week, anyway.
Vikings win.
So, to summarize, the winners will be:
San Diego Chargers
Baltimore Ravens
Buffalo Bills
Philadelphia Eagles
Washington Commanders
Minnesota Vikings
POLT
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