1) CITIES
Chiefs: Kansas City, Missouri
City of 2.1 million people in the middle of the country with.....well, nothing else I can think of.
Niners: San Francisco, California
City of 4.7 million people, on the West Coast, home of the Golden Gate Bridge, the windiest road in the USA, cable cars, Alcatraz, the Castro District, and Nancy Pelosi,
Winner: Niners.
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2) Distance of the city from the site of the Super Bowl
(theory being, the closer the home site, the more fans for that team will be there)
San Francisco: 3115 driving miles, or about 44 hours.
Kansas City: 1464 driving miles, or about 22 hours.
Winner: Chiefs
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3) Team Mascot/Logo
Chiefs:
Letters of the city name, surrounded by an Indian Arrowhead. Chiefs named for the leader of warrior Native American tribes.
Niners:
Letters of the city name, surrounded by.....three circles of team colors? Niners named for a bunch of greedy, dirty, usually criminal types who crossed the country for no reason other than to try to get filthy rich....and they usually failed.
Winner: Chiefs, for both logo and mascot
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4) Coaches
Chiefs: Andy Reid
61 years old. Has been Chiefs head coach for 6 years. Has been a head coach in the NFL for 11 years. Started coaching football in 1982 at BYU as a graduate assistant. As an assistant coach in Green Bay, was with the team when they won Super Bowl XXXI in 1996. Took the Philadelphia Eagles to the Super Bowl, but lost to the Patriots.
Niners: Kyle Shanahan
40 years old. Has been Niners head coach for 2 years. Has been a head coach in the NFL for 2 years. Started coaching football in 2003 at UCLA as a graduate assistant. As an assistant coach in Atlanta, was with the team when they went to Super Bowl LI in 2016, but lost to the Patriots. Has never led a team to the Super Bowl.
So, in summary, Shanahan started assisting coaching the same year Reid took the Eagles all the way to a Super Bowl.
Winner: Chiefs.
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5) 2019 regular season record
Chiefs: 12-4
Niners: 13-3
Winner: Niners
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6) Quarterback Experience
Chiefs: Patrick Mahomes
24 years old. Been in the NFL since 2017 (three years). 76 touchdowns to 18 interceptions.
Following is a list of NFL records he holds:
- Most touchdown passes thrown through first two games of a season (10)
- Most touchdown passes thrown through first three games of a season (13)
- Most touchdown passes thrown through first three career games (10)
- Most touchdown passes thrown through first eight career games (22)
- Youngest quarterback to throw for six touchdowns in a game (22 years, 364 days)
- Most consecutive road games with 3+ touchdown passes (7)
- First player to throw for over 3,000 yards in his first ten games (3,185)
- Most consecutive 300-plus passing yard games (tied at 8)
- Fastest player to 4,000 passing yards and 40+ touchdown passes (13 games)
- Fastest to 7,500 career passing yards (24 games)
Has never been to a Super Bowl before.
Niners: Jimmy Garappolo
28 years old. Been in the NFL since 2014 (5 years). 44 touchdowns to 21 interception. Has no NFL records I could find. Has never been to a Super Bowl before (well he DID go to 2 Super Bowls as a backup quarterback to Tom Brady of the Patriots...but he never touched the football during either game).
Winner: Chiefs
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7) Quarterback Face Cuteness
Chiefs: Patrick Mahomes
Niners: Jimmy Garappolo
Hmmm, Mahomes is kinda twink-ish cute, but also, a lil bit goofy looking. Garappolo is more ruggedly handsome, but he looks kinda like a serial killer too.
Winner: I'm gonna call this one a tie.
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8) Quarterback Body Hotness
Chiefs: Mahomes
Niners; Garappolo
Winner: I don't know man....I'm gonna have to make this one a tie as well.
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9) Other Star Player
Chiefs: Running Back Darwin Thompson
Niners: Wide Receiver Marquise Goodwin
One guy's thick, muscular, with amazing pecs and a nice bulge. The other is slim, sleek and has entirely too many tattoos. While I would not throw either of them out of bed (except to fuck with them on the floor), I have to say....
Winner: Chiefs (more to hold onto and less tattoos)
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10) Team Super Bowl Experience
Chiefs: Have been to two previous Super Bowls, winning one and losing one, although their last Super Bowl appearance and their last win was 50 seasons ago in 1969.
Niners: Have been to 6 previous Super Bowls, winning five and losing one. Their last appearance was in 2012 where they lost to the Ravens. Their last win was 26 seasons ago 1994.
Winner: Niners
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So, according to this entirely scientific study, the results are the Chiefs have 5, the Niners 3 and there are 2 ties.
Thus, the Kansas City Chiefs will win Super Bowl LIV
(bear in mind however, this is the 14th years I've made these predictions here, and my record over the past 13 years stands at 6 correct, 6 incorrect, and one (Patriots vs Eagles two years ago) that I didn't even make pics because I didn't give a shit who won. So my record of predictions stands at 6-6-1)
POLT
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