My cousin has a 9 year old daughter that I'll call Lexi. My mom has spent a lot of time with her over the years, mainly, I think, cause mom doesn't have any grandkids of her own (obviously). In fact, mom, in addition to being just an awesome human being, has always been the favorite of everyone in her family. Everyone loves Aunt Bev! At any rate, she's been to most of Lexi's soccer games, taken her out ot eat, and had her at her house playing games with her, allowing her to play on her computer, baking with her, and even letting her spend the night more than once. Lexi's parents are divorced, and I say this as someone who likes her mother (although her father is my blood relative), but her mother is really white-trash living with an idiot. Mom has been an anchor of stability, love and support for Lexi...even moreso, in my opinion, than Lexi's own grandmother (my mom's sister). And Lexi's a good kid too on top of all that.
So what's the issue that required soul searching?
Jealousy.I have no idea why, but sometimes, I get jealous of the time mom spends with Lexi. And I don't know why. Mom does not ignore me, or spend time with Lexi instead of me. Mom and I spend plenty of time together, usually I see her several times a week for varying periods of time. Mom still has a lot of other friends she does things with, and groups she's part of, and activites she's involved in. And none of those bother me in the least. In fact, I'm glad mom's doing all this, keeping her active, physically, mentally and socially will, I believe, help keep her alive and well.
But when I hear tales of what she and Lexi did together, even days after they did it, for some reason, I think things like, "Oh who cares?" And I get these pangs of jealousy. And then I think to myself, "Why the hell is wrong with me?"
Today for example, mom and I were supposed to go out to eat after work to a restaurant she's been wanting to visit. But for lunch at work, they had tacos, of which I had WAY too many. So in the afternoon, I'm thinking that I'm not going to hungry right after work. I called mom to tell her that I didn't think tonight would be a good night to do it. And when she answered, she said she was just going to call me: she and Lexi went to eat for lunch at a buffet today and Lexi was over at her house and they were "making art" (probably with crayons, markers and construction paper). And I told her that was fine, we'd reschedule. But in my head, the first thing I thought was, "Oh, you throw me aside to go have a meal with her."
And then the shame hit. I mean, mom and I eat together at least once a week, Lexi and mom hang out once, maybe twice a month. And I didn't want to go anyway. Why should I think that way?
And last week, when mom and I were out eating, she mentioned the courtdate coming up where custody of Lexi will be decided. And since it's been summer Lexi's not been around town much, and mom said, "I missed the little girl." And inside, I snarled and thought, "Pffft, I'm glad she's not here."
WHY? Why would I be this way? Why would I feel this way? I'm ashamed of myself for thinking/feeling like this.
And even after all the soul-searching and meditation I did today about this, I still have no answer.
POLT
4 comments:
She's your mom. You're always going to be her child. Of course there's a little bit of jealousy. It's normal. It's great that you and your mom are so close.
Sometimes our emotions do shit that makes no sense whatsoever and we KNOW it makes no sense and it keeps doing it. There could be a small part of you that allows their close relationship to make you feel a bit inadequate because YOU didn't supply her with the grandchild to spoil and spend time with so by using someone else's kid, it kind of makes you feel like you're being pushed aside a bit in favour of white trash breeders. I KNOW that's not at all true but like I said, feelings follow no logic.
I can certainly understand why people are drawn to your Mom. She just give off and energy and vibe of kindness that makes you want to be near her. :-)
Polt, your mom is one of the coolest human beings I know, and I've eaten at her table many times! (Ain't nuthin' like Aunt Bev's cookin'!) She wants the best for everyone, and she still loves you very much. She is alone in the world, and I think she enjoys being able to spend time with her "adoptive" grandchild. They have a good bond. I wish we were closer to her home as I'm sure she would enjoy another "adoptive" grandchild of the male gender. (And so would you! - especially now that diapers aren't in the picture.....)
I wouldn't beat yourself up over it. Jealousy is a normal emotion. It almost sounds like a bit of sibling rivalry. Obviously Mama Polt loves you best!
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