Career opportunities are the ones that never knock...

I always said, when it came to a job, I only ever wanted to be a mid-level bureaucratic paperpusher. And now I am. And now I've realized I really should have been a little more ambitious in what I always wanted to be.

So, after much deep meditation and consideration, I give you the following:

POLT'S TOP TEN FAVORITE JOBS HE'D WANT TO HAVE

10. Lawyer

When I was in Middle School, I decided I wanted to be a lawyer. Mainly because they were one of two jobs that, in my mind, made a lot of money and they didn't have to deal with blood like a doctor did. But I hate studying and researching and reading crap that doesn't interest me. So I changed my mind. But I DID enjoy my two Constitutional Law classes in college, and I am pretty damn good at arguing, so i think I'd be a good lawyer. And the money would be nice. But I'm way past the age where I feel like taking finals and writing papers.


9. Oiler-Upper

I don't know what the offical job title is, but I want to be the guy who rubs the oil all over the abs, chests, biceps, shoulders and backs of the guys in the UFC and on runway models. Or to be the guy who towels off said oil when the match or fashion show is over. Or maybe even both!


8. Ambassador to Canada.

Canada's such an awesome country, I really want to live there. But citizenship takes too long and involves too many persky forms. So all I'd really need to do is get appointed as the USA's ambassador there. There would still be issues, like 1) the appointment probably would only last until the next president took office (but I could work on the citizenship thingee, in secret while serving as ambassador), 2) the ambassador lives in Ottawa, not Toronto, where I really want to be (but there IS a consulate in Toronto, perhaps I could get my residence transferred there) and 3) it probably would be unseemly to have the USA's ambassador sighted repeatedly in gay strip clubs and backrooms of porno bookstores (but like anyone would know who the hell I was anyway). So all in all, I'm pretty sure this would just be a really awesome gig.


7. Fluffer

The Urban Dictionary defines this as "(noun) a person in the adult entertainment industry whose job it is to give male porno stars blowjobs in order to get them ready to perform." Is any further explanation necessary?


6. Politician

I LOVE politics. Especially presidential politics. I remember arguing FOR Walter Mondale with some family members in 1984 at the tender age of 16. I remember being very upset when Jimmy Carter didn't win in 1980 when I was 12. I remember voting for Jimmy Carter in our class vote in 1976 when I was but 8. It was my major in college. BUT since I'm a gay liberal Democrat living in a rural, redneck, conservative, wingnut Republican red area of Pennsylvania (ie NOT Philly or Pittsburgh), I have a better shot of having sex with Sarah Palin than I do getting elected to anything around here.


5. Custom Condom Fitter

I'd have to measure the clients to find the right size condom for them. And then of course, once it's prepared, I'd have to put it on them to make sure it fit properly. And if anyone needed help getting to the proper....state for the fitting, I'd help with that. Using my fluffing skills, naturally. By appointment only.


4. College Professor

I like to talk. I like to look at college aged sexy frat boys. I like imparting information. Put all these together and it should be obvious I'd love to be a college professor. In history, or political science. And I'd get to hire all those Teaching Assistants to...help me in my duties! Perhaps at the University or Toronto?


3. A member of Torchwood

When the team looked like it did above. I'd be happy to just be the guy who would look up from a computer and say, "I'm recieving strange Rift activity, Captain!" Like a old, fat, hairy, gay Uhura. The job wouldn't matter, but I wouldn't really wanna have to use a gun, and I wouldn't wanna deal with all those weird, dangerous, out-of-this-world aliens. I think I'd prefer to just stay in the Hub, next to the coffee maker, in case Ianto needed someone to talk to. Or a shoulder to lean on. Or something fluffed.


2. Collegiate Wreslter Weigh In Supervisor.

College Wrestlers. Weighing In. Naked. Nuff said, eh?


1. Writer or DC Comics

This is what I've wanted to be almost as long as I can remember wanting to BE anything. It would my fantasy come true to be able to write even a few issues of the Justice League Of America. Or the Justice Society. Or the Legion Of Super-Heroes. Or the Teen Titans. How orgasmic would this be for me? I'm fairly certain my head would explode if I found out it was actually going to happen.

So what would be YOUR fantasy job?

POLT