why is so much of my self-image, self-esteem, self-worth wrapped up in sex? why do i feel better about myself when i know a 19 year old, or better still, two 19 year olds want me sexually? why is that way when i got to the backroom of an adult bookstore and have sex with 4 men over the span of 4 hours? or go to toronto and have sex with 13 men over a 4 day weekend? and why, when a guy i hardly know and don't find all that attractive rejects me, do i get depressed and down? and we're not even talking about the quality of the sex here. with freddie, it's better, cause there's an emotional attachment that i don't normally feel. but somehow, despite the emotional and physical bond i feel with freddie, i can still feel like less of a person, less worthy, if i'm rejected sexually. and that doesn't make any sense to me. i don't know why it matters, but it does. perhaps i should be worrying less about why than about how to change it. sex shouldn't mean that much to me. I don't care about improving my health, the cleanliness of my apartment, the thoroughness of my work, my poor finances, but god forbid i get stood up for sex with someone i wasn't really interested in, and my day goes to shit. and it's always been that way, all my life. how does one reroute thoughts, feelings and emotions that are as normal and ingrained to him as breathing? do i even really want to change? if i attempt to change this part of me, will i be the same person i am now? and would that be a desirable goal, to be a different person? i wasn't going to actually post this, i was just writing it out to see if it helped. whatever, i guess it helped. at least i'm thinking about it now, rather than just letting it all sit there and nag me and nag me and nag me. i don't really need any answers, i'll have to come up with them myself. some introspection could do me some good.
POLT
No sense getting the public worked up in thinking teachers might want to teach something that hasn't been approved by a minister or Dick Cheney. - Tim Rowland
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5 comments:
It's human nature Polt. We all want to be accepted. To be rejected because of social standing or finances is not bad, but be rejected in the sexual area and we are devestated. When it happens just remember that those who are important to you will never reject you. Believe me I know rejection, It hurts worse than bamboo shoots under fingernails. Just call Freddie and he will assure you of your worth and put your ego back on the pedestal were the living is fine.
There are some glaringly obvious answers there that I no longer choose to contemplate. I wasted too much time in my younger years trying to figure out stuff like that only to discover that a whole bunch of other people feel just like me while there are a few that don't.
I can tell you that my own self-esteem has not been greatly impacted by rejection from strangers while quite the opposite has been true when people that I came to trust ended up rejecting me. In those cases I ended up questioning my own judgement of why I trusted the person...thus questioning my own sense of self, self-image, etc.
I've not had quite the success, fun and tales to tell of anonymous exploits such as you, Master Polt. But on those few occassions where an anonymous hook-up failed I have kept in my mind that there was probably a good reason why it didn't happen and I was probably better off for it not happening.
Fairy Godfather (above)
It is the gay subculture we live in. Just check out the ads in any gay publication, the guys are not real, they are like human size dolls, and always young.
The flesh we usually see on the net is always near perfect, then I look in the mirror and see my belly, not cut, not a six pack, and I feel less attractive.
As we get older all of us men need to rearrange our thought process, we need to be more real and face reality, we are getting older, but the gay subculture is stuck at 19.
We all teens to 80's need to accept people and ourselves for who we are not some image that we aspire to be.
Onanite
I wish I could see where you're coming from, but I am perfect in every way, and people are always throwing themselves at me for sex. Sometimes it gets annoying, but then I think of poor bastards like you, who get stood up for sex, and I feel better.
Try not to kill yourself.
PS- Given the choice of being serious or going for the joke. I almost always go for the joke.
Buck up kiddo!
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