Three nannies, an assistant and a driver and a jet...

I've decided I need to get myself a Personal Assistant (which I shall abbreviate as P.A., which does NOT stand for Pennsylvania, Public Address OR Prince Albert). You know, like all those celebrities have, someone to get my coffee and take my clothes to the dry cleaner and keep track of and manage my social calendar. And I've decided this despite the fact I don't really drink coffee, I've never had anything to take to a dry cleaner, and I don't have a social calendar to speak of.

See, as of late, because of how busy I am (and not at all because of my advanced age of nearly 40) I'm forgetting things. Like I've sent some bills in late because I forgot to pay them, and I forgot a cut-and-color appointment before and I keep forgetting to balance my checkbook...even though I've NEVER been able to do that. HEY, that's something else my P.A. could do: look after my finances. Oh, and help me tidy up the place as well.

Of course, I'd want my P.A. to be a him, cause honestly, if I'm gonna have a female nag me about money, and going to my doctor's appointments, and picking my dirty undies off the floor, well shoot, I might as well get a wife. And really, I don't think ANYONE wants to see that happen...least of all me.

And of course he's gonna have to be attractive, because it's much harder for me to ignore a really hot little guy than it is a Quasimodo of a man. And I'd have to pay him in room and board, cause God knows I've got enough trouble keeping my own ends meeting (reference the comment above about my checkbook). (ooooh, it would be pretty cool if I could make my own ends meet...I've seen that done in some pornos I have...imagine the possibilities...but I digress....)

Actually, you know, if he's really hot enough he could just sleep and live here, and wouldn't have to do any of the other crap, except let me gaze on him...among other things. I could live with that...I mean, that's what I'm doing right now, ya know...except without the gazing-at-hot-young-guy thing.

Some examples of what I'm looking for:

I'd expect the P.A. to serve my friends and myself cool drinks outside on the lawn in the summer....



And in the winter, shovel the snow off my car, and shovel me a path TO the car...although I'd let him wear a bit more than this. Gloves, boots and a scarf perhaps.



And all year round, he'd be expected to do little chores around the house, like the dishes.



So basically, I'm looking for a really cute guy that is part financial advisor/social secretary/maid/gopher. And he'll have to be willing to work for nothing, just for a bed to sleep in, food to eat and a horny, fat, hairy old-ish man to live with. Hey, i can't imagine why i don't have guys beating down my door now!

POLT

We spent more than $50 million to find out whether President Clinton prospered through some obscure land deal or was unfaithful to his wife. But we won't spend one red cent to independently investigate intelligence failures leading to war, the loss of more than 500 American lives, untold thousands of other deaths, and a worldwide increase in anti-American sentiment. - Leonard Pitts, feb 9, 2004