Nathan, hold on, i got something to say...

My first real boyfriend was Nathan. We met in October 1993, the night that daylights savings ended. I remember that because we had an extra hour that night to get to know each other.

I was 25, he was a year or two older. We met at the local (in fact only) gay bar. I remember I was on the dance floor in the hot, sweaty gyrating mass of humanity gathered there, and I saw this really hot guy dancing off near the side. I kept him in sight even when I left the dance floor to get a beer from the bar. And as I drank it, he came over towards me, another guy with him. They introduced themselves we talked a bit before the guy I noticed first left, leaving me with his friend, who was Nathan.

Nathen was about 5'9 or so, and lean. He had blonde very curly hair that he wore long in the style of the time. He also had some acne scars, but they weren't a deal breaker. Nathan wasn't as cute as his friend, the guy I saw first. But unlike his friend, Nathan was interested in me. So we spent the remainder of the long night talking, drinking, toughing hands, arms, etc, and kissing.

Nathan lived about an hour's drive away from me. And he didn't have either a car or a license. This really wasn't a big deal, though, cause I was still living at home, so it's not like we could have done anything here anyway.

He had a roommate that had his own bedroom. His roommate was straight and not at all interested in meeting me. I don't think we ever did meet, other than in passing, he was frequently away at his girlfriend's place. That was a little strange. Also, when I took a shower there for the first time, i asked about a washcloth. he said they didn't have any, just towels. Which, since I had grown up with washcloths, struck as entirely strange. Inronically, now, I don't use washclothes either. But I digress....

Nathan was a recovering alcoholic, and he wanted me to go with him to one of his AA meetings. I did. We got to the church and went in and there was probably twenty or so people there. Not everyone talked, so I didn't feel like I stood out, but I wasn't terribly comfortable. I felt like an intruder, a voyeur. I mean, I wasn't alcoholic, and here these people were pouring their hearts out, to the affirmations of others who could understand what they were saying. But I couldn't. It was awkward, but i tried not to let on to Nathan, I just tried to be supportive.

After the meeting, we went to a Chinese restaurant where some of his friends were getting together. There was perhaps ten of us there. Everyone was very friendly, welcoming, and accepting. Nathan sat on one side of me and the woman on the other side asked questions of me all night. Not like an inquisition, but just because she seemed genuinely curious about Nathan's boyfriend. It was clear she cared deeply about him. In fact, it was clear they all did, and seemed excited for him that he was dating someone, and that I wasn't dodgey or anything.

Sex between us was, surprisingly, not a priority. We did not have sex every time we were together. I wanted to, but didn't want to push the issue, and he didn't bring it up that much. Or when I did bring it up, he would say he jsut wanted to cuddle. And since he was a damn good cuddler, I didn't mind.

I went to his apartment for New Years Eve 1993. He had two friends over, and we drank and had pizza and had a good time. After they left, we went to bed, got naked, and cuddled a bit. Then he said he had something he wanted to show me, and left the room. I was a bit nervous because I didn't know what he was going to show me, but I was excited as well, because I figured it was sexual. And I was more excited than I was nervous.

Until he walked back in the room. Wearing a diaper. And sucking on a pacifier. No, seriously, he did. Stop laughing, cause this isn't a comedy bit. I was truly shocked and disturbed. It was 1993, remember, the Interwebs were, no pun intended, in it's infancy. You couldn't just pop online and see or read about any kind of fetish you could imagine.

I had never heard of adults wearing diapers for sexual purposes, and frankly, it freaked me the hell out. But he crawled into bed and on top of me and was snuggling up against me, telling me (after removing the pacifier obviously) how understanding I was and how great it was that I didn't like scream at him and run out of the room. Although, honestly, that thought had crossed my mind.

But I liked Nathan. Did I love him? No, but I cared for him. And I could see that this took a lot for him to reveal to me, and I really did want to be understanding and supporting. I was calm, but on the inside, I was freaking out. If this is what he was into sexually, well, it was boggling my mind how we'd go about having sex. I was NOT wiping his ass and changing his diaper. And this explained why he wasn't really into the sex we did have.

Although that night, at that time, he was up, ready, and raring to go. I said the only thing I could think of using, the flimsy excuse that I had had too much to drink, and had a headache and was very tired. Shortly thereafter, we went to sleep. Or rather, he did. I stayed awake more of the night, trying to figure this out. It took all I had not to attempt to sneak out. But I did care for him, and wanted to be with him, and date him, I mean, I was having fun with him.

But after I got home the next day, well, I still couldn't come to terms with it. We talked on the phone several times after that, but I never saw him again. And before the end of January, we were officially seperated. I never made it official or anything, I just stopped answering his calls, or when I did, made excuses to hang up. And after about ten days of this, I think he finally picked up on it, and stopped calling.

I still feel bad sometimes about how I cowardly ended it, that I couldn't just man up and tell him I wasnted it over. But I just could NOT wrap my head around him wanting to wear a diaper. And that is how my first relationship ended. Not an auspicious beginning, eh?

POLT Listening to "The Man That Got Away" by Judy Garland

That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria! - Calvin & Hobbes