My name is christmas carol, i was born on christmas day...

As you may have heard me mention a few times, this year, for whatever reason, I’m all about Christmas music. There are two local stations that are playing it non-stop, 24/7. When I’m in the car, I switch between their stations, when I’m at work, I’ve got one streaming through the Internet.

As I’ve been listening to this quite a bit in the last two-three weeks, I’ve heard most of the songs, a lot more than once, and I’ve got something to say about some of them.

"Do They Know It's Christmas” by Band-Aid: Love this one. I know it was gimmicky kinda ploy to get money, but it was for a good reason. And the Brits did it first, and better, than the American (We Are The World…pfft), just like they do with TV apparently. Anyway, I just enjoy the whole song. But when Bono’s voice rings out with the line “Thank God it’s them instead of you” I get goosebumps. Every freakin’ time.

“Here Comes Santa Claus” by Gene Autry: I detest this song for two reasons. 1) He sings it “Here come Santy Claus” pronouncing it “Sanny Claus”. It’s SANTA, ‘TA” Claus, NOT Sanny Claus. I HATE that! And 2) I don’t like any version of it cause it mentions “We’re all God’s children”, “Say your prayers to the Lord above” AND is all about Santa.. Look, I got no problem with religious Christmas songs: Away In A Manger, Little Drummer Boy, We Three Kings, they’re all fine. No problem. But you don’t mix the religious and the secular in that same song that way! It’s just not right! It’s like football and church: both are on Sundays, but you don’t want the guy in the pew next to you watching the game on a small tv, and you don’t want to hear a sermon during halftime! The religious and the secular need to be kept separate. Haven’t they heard of the Seperation Of Church And Santa???

Nearly any Christmas song by the Carpenters: Again, I have no issue with the Carpenters songs per se. But their versions of Christmas songs are almost universally slow, boring, and tedious. I mean, even the ones that are supposed to be lively and happy sounds like their sung by someone slipping into a coma.

“Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” by Elmo & Patsy: Worst. Christmas. Song. EVAH. Elmo & Patsy should be strung up by their Christmas balls and drug all over the winter wonderland by a jingle bell covered mare. Just sayin’…

“12 Pains Of Christmas” by I don’t know who. Loved it when it first came out in the 80’s. It felt extremely dated about ten years ago or so, especially due to the Transformers reference by the kid. But now, it’s not so dated. Economics, politics and cultural references…they’re all apparently cyclical.

“12 Days Of Christmas” by The Muppets. Best. Version. EVAH. Make me laugh everytime I hear it.

"We Wish You A Merry Christmas" by Bing Crosby: What the HELL is figgy pudding and why won't you be leaving until they give you some? Well, I think I know what figgy pudding is, and it's digusting I'm sure, so I think I'd leave if they tried to give me some of it!

"Carol Of The Bells" by whomever: just a flat out beautiful song. Not sure if it's actually a Christmas song, per se, but they always play it around this time.

"Happy Christmas" by John Lennon: I like this one a lot. Kinda melancholy, but hopeful too. And a great message included in the song. Plus, you can't go wrong when there's a child choir in a song!

"Christmas Shoes" by anybody: I was incorrect above. This is the Worst. Christmas. Song. EVAH! Nothing like having a Christmas song add to the depression, sadness and crying that a lot of people already suffer from around here. Like buying a suicidal person a map to the Golden Gate Bridge. Yeah, great idea that. And even though I provided a link, I'm urging you to NOT click on it, cause the song is truly so drippy, sappy, and bad, I don't want to subject you to listening to it. But if you insist on punishing yourself, go right ahead.

"Mele Kalikimaka" by Bing Crosby: Corny, stupid, not that great, but I guarantee you it'll stay in your head for hours!

“Santa Baby”: Love this song as well, and while I really like Madonna’s version, I gotta say Eartha Kitt’s version is the best. She practically purrs here way through it…very sultry.

“It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year”: Pretty good song, I enjoy singing along. But I wonder every time about the lyrics “There’ll be ghost stories and tales of the glories”? Who the hell tells ghost stories at Christmas time? About two months too late, methinks.

Any Christmas song by Kenny G.: they should all be made illegal or only as insturments of torture by playing on a continuous loop. In fact, this goes for pretty much ANY song by Kenny G. Nuff said. (and I absolutely refuse to post any links to anything by Kenny G. here on the Palace)

“Christmas Don't Be Late” by Alvin & The Chipmunks: this isn’t something that would usually be something I’d like, but the damn thing is so catchy, everytime I hear it, I can’t help but do this little shuffle dance. Even when I’m sitting at my desk. Even while I’d driving the car.

"Christmas Canon" by anyone, really: Simply a beautiful song. Up there with Ave Maria as perhaps the most beautiful song in existence. And again with the child choir.

"Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" by Darlene Love: Catchy tune, kinda sad but yet hopeful message. There are a couple good covers, Bon Jovi, U2, but I prefer the original. She sounds more plaintive in it, more emotional.

"Christmas Wrapping" by The Waitresses: Funny song with a great New Wave/Early 80s' sound to it. Unfortunately, I can't post a link cause there's none other than videos of people's Christmas lights synchronized with this song. And I'm contributing to that shameful act.

POLT Listening to the Giants-Redskins football game

Sex is so great...as far as I can remember. - Gypsy, Gypsy 83