As this rap star trek belongs...

Polt's Palace rates the men of Star Trek.

We use a simple 10 point scale:

1 point if they're young, or young looking.
1 point if they're a minority.
1 point if they have a hairthing.
1 point if they have a cute face.
1 point if they have a rockin body.
1 point if they have a catchphrase.
1 point based upon thier job.
and 3 pioints on 'variables'.

These are all determined by Uncle Polt and he is solely responsible for the following.

Star Trek: The Original Series


Captain James Kirk
1 point for catchphrase (You....Klingon bastards, you....killed my son!); 1 for job, I mean come ON, he IS the Captain, right? And I'm gonna give him all 3 points for the variables just cause he was the first ya know? He laid the groundword for everyone that came after.
Point Total: 5


Commander Spock
1 point for catchphrase (Live Long and Prosper); 1 point for job, not only was he the Science Officer but he was the First Officer too. Pulling down two jobs like that definately rates high. And I'm giving him all 3 variable points: the guy's was a terrific 'straight man' for humorous coments, had that nifty Vulan Nerve Pinch thingee, and looked kinda hot in the Mirror Universe with a goatee.

Point Total: 5


Doctor Leonard McCoy
I know I'll get some argument on this one, but I always found his face kinda cute, despite the wrinkles, like he was pretty hot, I bet when he was younger, so I'm giving 1 point for a cute face. 1 point for catchphrase (I'm a doctor, not a______!); 1 point for job, he's a doctor for pity's sake. And his sense of humor, his other catch phrases (He's dead Jim; Why you green-blooded Vulcan...; I'm just an old country doctor) and just cause he seemed like he'd be a lot of fun at a party, I'm giving him all 3 variable points.
Total Points: 6


Commander Montgomery Scott
While not an actual catchphrase, Scotty did say frequently how his "poor engines canna take anymore" or something to that extent. Also, as the Chief Engineer, he was responsible for keeping the ship up and running, so that's two points so far. And i gotta tell you, if there's anyone in this list you'd wanna go party with, it HAS to be Scotty, so I'm giving him all 3 variables point.
Total Points: 5

Lieutenant Hikaru Sulu
1 point for being a minority, Asian. 1 point for a rocking body (which we saw all oiled up in "The Naked Time"). And I always thought he was cute, so 1 point there. His job was piloting the ship, pretty important, so he gets a point for that. Also, he's getting all 3 variables, because we know he later went on top become the Captain of the Excelsior, pretty impressive. And, George Takei just last year outed himself, so how can I NOT give points for the only (so far) out actor in Star Trek?

Total Points: 7

Ensign Pavel Chekov
1 point for being young. Kinda cute face, I'll give a half point for that. Did say in the fourth movie, "Were are the nuclear wessels?" which isn't a catchphrase, but was pretty funny. His job was navigator, but it was so unimportant, they didn't even bother to cast a regular into the part until later on. And I'm giving NO variable points, just because his hair is so horrendous, I outta deduct points for it, but I can't.
Total Points:2.5

Captain Jean-Luc Picard
No hairthing, but strangely, he looked kinda hot bald, so 1 point. Had a pretty decent body for an older guy, so 1 point there. "Engage" & "Make it so" were his catchphrases, so 1 point there. Again, he's the freakin captain of the ship, so 1 point for job. And I'm giving him all three variables as well, cause his demeanor just inspires respect in his subordinates, he was the originator of the "Picard Maneuver" both with star ships and his uniform, and I'm not into older guys, but really, wouldn't mind calling Picard 'daddy'.

Total Points:7 points

Commander William Riker
Not much into bears, but always was kinda hot in the beard, so one point for the face. Second in charge of the ship, pretty important so I'll give him 1 point for that. It's not really a catchphrase, but he had that "John Wayne" type of walk as he left a room, so I'll give him a point for that. I'll give him 2 of the three variables, cause he gave the order to "FIRE" on the Borg and Locutus in "The Best Of Both Worlds, part 1", and that took guts. But he's not getting the third one cause he should have moved on to his own captainship sometime, and didn't.
Total Points: 5 points

Lt. Commander Data
He's an android, that's certainly a minority, so 1 point for that. I'll give him two of the three variables, just since...well, he's a cool android.
Total Points: 3 points

Lt. Geordi LaForge
Oh, he's black, so one point for the minority. I always thought he had a cute face, one point there, but his body was just...'eh'. Started out as navigator, became Chief Engineer, that's a pretty impornant job, so one point there. And as for the variables, he gets one for the VISOR, one for his smile, and one for being Kunta Kinte.
Total Points: 6 points

Lt. Worf
Klingons, they're considered a minority, right? 1 point. The cronal ridges pretty much obscure the face, but his body looks hot under those uniforms. 1 point. Later in the series he grew his hair long enough to have back in a ponytail. 1 point. Chief of Security, that's important, right? 1 point. Not really a catchphrase, but he did say, "Captain, I protest! I am NOT a Merry Man!" Hi-LAR-ious. 1 point. And you just KNOW Klingons make wild and crazy lovers, so all 3 variables to him.
Total Points: 8 points

Wesley Crusher
Young, 1 point. Cute face, kinda, 1 point. Not giving him ANY variables, cause the character was so whiney/irritating/show-off-ey.
Total Points: 2 points

Captain Benjamin Sisko
1 point for minority. I know it's not technically a hairthing, but shaved heads on black are just freakin HOTT! 1 point for that. Being in charge of an alien space station next to a wormhole is certainly worth a point. His smile always made me melt, so we'll give a point for the cute face. As for the variables: 1 point for having the goatee and making it work; 1 point for being "The Emissary Of The Prophets"; and 1 point for having a deep and sexy voice that made me, occasionally, moist.
Total Points: 7 points

Doctor Julian Bashir
Young-ish, 1 point. Cute face, 1 point. A doctor, 1 point. Lean, slim body, 1 point. Variables: 1 point for that sexy accent. Yeah, he was irritating, so that's about it.
Total points: 5 points

Chief Miles O'Brien
Hmm, well physically he was never all that much. But he was responsible for keeping the whole station up and running, so 1 point there. And I'll give him all three variables, for being the only married Trek character to make it work, for having adorable kids, for rising from obscurity on The Next Generation, and just cause he seemed so damn likable.
Total Points:4 points

Constable Odo
Well, as a Founder, he's certainly a minority, so 1 point there. Since he can be ANYTHING, and his face, hair AND body are all malleable, I'm gonna give him a half point for all three of those, total. And I'm giving him all 3 variable points, cause his shapechanging power is just so cool!
Total points: 4.5

Quark
Ferengi's are minorities, so that's one. Yeah, really can't give him anything for phyical attributes, cause he's, well, a Ferengi. Will give him all 3 variables cause of his family (Rom, Nog, Moogy, and later Leeta), cause he was once the Grand Nagis, and cause he was responsible for the Roswell incident.
Total Points: 4 points

Jake Sisko
Young, 1 point. Minority, 1 point. Cute face, 1 point. Rocking body (in later seasons), 1 point. Variables, just two, cause he never really DID anything, although there was that cool episode that took place in the future with him as an old, old man.
Total points: 6 points

Commander Chakotay
Minority gives him one point. He was First Officer on Voyager, so 1 point there. But I'm not gonna give him ANY variable points because he was dull, bland, boring, uninteresting, and what the hell is up with the facial tattoo anyway?
Total Points: 2 points

Lt. Tuvok
Well, he's Vulcan and black, which are two minorities, but I can only give one for the minority. He is cute, 1 point. And in at least one episode, I saw him with a sleeveless undershirt on and he had nice biceps, 1 point for the body. He was Voyager's Chief Of Security, but the way everything from the Viidians to the Hirogen broke onto the ship, I don't think he was very good at it, so no points there. I'll give him one variable for working under Sulu on the Excelsior early in his career, and one variable cause he was also married, although we never saw his wife, but once as a hologram.
Total Points: 5 points

Lt. Tom Paris
Young-ish, 1 point. Kinda cute face, so 1 point. His job was pilot/part-time medic/Captain Proton/dater of Kes/Husband of B'ehlanna/rebel...somewhere in there has to be something worth 1 point. For the variables, I'm only giving him two, cause for the ship's "rebel" he wasn't very rebellious.
Total Points: 5 points

Ensign Harry Kim
Youngish, 1 point. Minority, 1 point. Cute face, 1 point. Definite hairthing (and if you don't see it on the official photo, check out the regular one! whoo-HOO!), 1 point. Not sure exactly was his job was, tactical, yeah I know, but more often than not he just stood back there and yelled what was going wrong. Looking damn fine while he did it, mind you, but still. And I'm giving him all 3 variables, just cause I personally think he is THE hottest guy ever to be a regular on any Star Trek, and because this is my post, so I can give him 3 points if I wanna.

Total Points:7 points (although in my mind, he's worth 10 points)

The Emergency Medical Hologram (Doc)
He's the doctor (a holographic one, granted, but still) so that's worth a point. And aren't holograms minorities? 1 point there. "Please state the nature of the medical emergency" catchphrase gives him 1 point. I always thought he was kinda cute, so 1 point there. And I'm giving him all three variables cause he was funny, fell in love with Seven, and loved opera. What more reason do you need for variables?
Total Points: 7 points

Neelix
He's Talaxian, which as far as I'm aware are minorities, so 1 point. Other than that he's just a freaking irritation. I'll give him 1 variable, just for not getting himself strangled by the rest of the crew over 7 years.
Total Points: 2

Captain Jonathan Archer
Well, as the captain, he's got a pretty important job, so 1 point there. Not much in the face department, but his body is pretty good, so 1 point there. I also give him all 3 variables just cause of the cute dog Porthos he had on board.
Total Points: 5

Commander 'Trip" Tucker
Chief Engineer is pretty important, 1 point. Kinda cute, 1 point. And only 2 variable points, cause I found his "Southern drawl" irritating, and not at all endearing.
Total Points: 4

Lt. Malcolm Reed
Well, he had a British accent and English Star Trek leads are a minority, so one point there. His job...I don't know, did he do more than hand out phasers and whine a lot? But I'll give him 3 variable points because irregardless of what they may have said on the show, anyone who watched it knew Reed was gay and had the hots for Tucker!
Total Points: 4

Ensign Travis Mayweather
Young: 1 point. Black: 1 point. Cute face with orgasm inducing smile: 1 point. One episode had his shirt off wearing a sleeveless tee underneath and his arms and shoulder are to DIE for: 1 point. Piloting the ship is a VERY important job: 1 point. Despite the fact he didn't really ever DO anything and they never gave him much of a personality, I'm giving him all 3 variable points, just on looks alone.
Total Points: 8 points

Doctor Phlox
What the hell is this? Is this Neelix, just thrown back in time and given new prosethics to wear? Okay, since he's the doctor, i'll give him 1 point for his job. And 1 point cause he did make me kinda laugh once or twice. but that's it.
Total Points: 2

So, there you have it. File this info away so you can use it at parties when the discussion turns to the attractiveness of the Star Trek male characters. And no need to thank me, I'm glad to help.

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