Crush ice, go head and get your shine...

So, I've decided I want an ice crusher. I'm tired of the cubes of ice, I want little shards of ice in my sodas. I've been meaning to get one, but never got around to it. And then last night, after work, Phoenix and I had plans to go eat, which we did.




















After the meal, we went to Borders. And then we went to Wal-Mart, which is at the other end of the shopping center. phoenix was almost an eye witness to two morons getting into an accident, but they avoided it, somehow. God favors the children and the fools, or something like that.

Anyway, once we got into Wal-Mart, both of us were unsure of where the ice cruchers may be. We eventually found the area with the blenders, and found may of those, but no ice crushers. Phoenix suggested looking for the ice cube trays, as they might have put the ice cruchers next to them. Good idea! But after several minutes of looking, we couldn't find any icr cube trays either. I had thought about maybe asking someone who worked there, but I doubt most of the slack-jawed local yokels that wore the blue vests had ever even seen the advanced technology that IS an ice crusher, much less knew where in the store they were.

I pointed out to Phoenix that the last time I got ice cube trays, I got them from Bed, Bath and Beyond, just a few stores down, back the way we had come. So we decided we'd just try there. And on our way we went.

We got inside BB&B, and Phoenix immediately saw the blenders. So we went to that section. We found blenders, cappacino machines, expresso machines, any make, model and color of coffee machine you could ever dream of, tea kettles, smoothly machines, even salad slicers. but an ice crusher?

Well I heard Phoenix say, "Heyhere!" So i ran over and he s aid, "Look, here's a blender with a 'Crush Ice' button!" "Yeah, but it costs 40 bucks, and there's 7 other buttons on there! I don't want a blender. I HAVE a blender! I don't know where it is, but mom gave it to me when I moved out 10 years ago, it's somewhere in the house. I want an ice crusher!"

So we looked a bit more, and then Phoenix suggested looking for the ice cube trays. We found those hanging on the wall in a 'kitchen gadgets' section. But was there an ice crusher there? Nope. Oh, I found a kitchen scale there, so you coudl weigh your ice cubes, were you so inclined, but there was no way to crush them up. Well, short of using the small wooden hammer they had hanging there, but that's NOT what I had in mind.

Returning to the blender area, i gave up and finally found an employee, on his knees moving some boxes around on the bottom shelf, or something. "Can you help me? Do you have ice crushers?"

"Sure," he said, pointing. "In the back row, with dinnerware." I looked at Phoenix. "Dinnerware??? It's in Dinnerware!" "Dinnerware," he said back. I nodded, "Of COURSE, it's in Dinnerware! I mean, where else WOULD it be?" And as we walked off, he said, "Dinnerware...now why didn't WE think of that?"

So we got to Dinnerware. We found plates of every size, shape, color and design. We found bowls and cutlery to go with them. WE found ice buckets. We found the shakers you put ice in to shake up for martinis or what have you. We found martini glasses, and well as most other kinds of glasses. Did we find an ice crusher? Take a guess. Go ahead, I'll wait.

I said to Phoenix, "I'm going back up there and physically drag that guy down here to show me where the ice crushers are." And as we walked back up, I continued, "This is crazy. I'm not asking for something made from some flower that only grows in mountains in Nepal in the month of April. I'm not asking for a pint of anyone's blood or thier first born child. I just want a freaking ice crusher!"

Before we got back to the blender section, we saw another employee. She was a small, petite young thing. Very cute. Were Uncle Polt of a different sexual orientation, I'm certain I would have felt a stirring in my loins. but instead, I just got her attention and asked her if they had icr crushers. Pointing, she said, "Yeah, last row, with Dinnerware." I think Phoenix and I both rolled our eyes. "yeah, okay, we've been there. Can you show us where they are, we might have missed them."

With a smile and a "Sure!" she's off through the store her ponytail bobbing behind her. We get to Dinnerware, and she goes right to an empty shelf. "Oh, they WERE here." She looks around a bit more. "I wonder if we have any anywhere else." And she pulls out this little radio/walkie talkie. "Do we have any ice crushers?"

"That's my girl." I tell her. "Get on there and get some answers!" Time ticks by and there's silence. So she says again, "Do we have any icr crushers?" And again, there's silence. "I think they're ignoring me."

"I think you outta ask for someone specifically. ya know, like, 'Steve, do we have ice crushers?' Or "Steve, I'm in Dinnerware and we've got an irate customer back here looking for ice crushers, and he's getting ready to throw a plate at me!' " "A serving platter," Phoenix offered. "They're metal and heavier and more of a threat." I nodded to her.

She was smiling when she next said, "Larry. Do we have any ice crushers?" No sooner did her thumb leave the call button than a voice replied slowly and sternly (even irritated it sounded like). "I. Do not. Know." And that was all.

Kathryn (that was her name, I just remembered), said, "Maybe we have some in kitchen gadgets we can-" I cut her off, "No I think we've been there too." She thought for a minute before saying, "Well see if we have any in the overhead there." and off she went. Phoenix and I followed, with a sigh. I truly was ready to just give it up and go, and then I noticed she had the radio to her mouth again. I tried to tell her not to call anyone else and bother them, but she cut me off said, "I was gonna call him-" indiciating a black-haired, neatly trimmed bearded employee ahead of us. "But there he is."

And then she said, "Eli, got a question for ya." Eli, came towards us, and she said to him, "Do we have ice crushers?" Eli nodded,pointed, and - (wait for it) - said, "Yeah, last row with Dinnerware." "No we've been there. Do we have them anywhere else?" "We've got blenders over here with ice crushing capability."

I took over."No, no, see I don't want a blender, I just want a simple little ice crusher. What I need to know is that you DO carry them, you're just out of them now, right?"

Eli looked, well, frankly, a bit frightened (but then he wasn't a very large man, and I am) and said, "Well, it's right after Christmas and people need ice for thier drinks on New Years." My jaw dropped. I didn't ask WHY they were out of them, I just wanted to know that I could come back later to get one (and anyways who gives an ice crusher for Christmas [although, apparently it would have made a nice gift for ME this year...and saved me a lot of headache]). "All I want to know is will there be some here later if I come back, like in a week?"

"Oh yeah," And I think Eli sounded just a tad bit condescending when he answerd, "They're a regular item we carry." I thanked him and Kathryn and then Phoenix and I left before my head hurt anymore than it already did. Phoenix suggested maybe trying Target, but I didn't want to have to fight through the traffic to get to the shopping center it was in...I'd dealt with enough morons for one night.

So after all that, what did I end up with when I got home? A soda full of ice CUBES and a headache. *SIGH*

POLT

I told you Jews have no rhythm. - Cartmen, South Park