Walks along the waves of velveteen...

My emotions come over my like waves onto a shore...and they last as long. Sadness: for what's happening to dad; Anger: at dad for smoking for 50 years; Guilt: for feeling the anger; Helplessness: because I can't do anything; Worry: for mom and the toll this must be taking on her; Nervous: over what happens with everything after dad dies; Fear: that I could end up like him, but without a wife and son to help me; Self-Loathing: for worrying about my future when dad has none; Cheerful: cause how else can I be around dad and mom.

I sat with dad for about four hours today while mom took care of her retirement papers. He had to pee while I was there. he can't get out of bed, so I had to pull the front of his pants down and hold the palstic urinal onto him while he went. I swear, there is not reason in this world that a 40 year old man should see his father's penis. It was uncomforatable and awkward for both of us. I was embarrassed for myself and for him. He told mom later he hated having to do that, he almost couldn't go. It did take him a while to start. I don't think there's anything worse than seeing a parent, a person who's always been strong and self-sufficent, reduced to needing cared for like an infant. Well, a child dying, I think that might be worse, but I can think of little else.

Mom told me that he's discussed his funeral with her, what he wants buried with, and in, and that he wants no viewing, and few things he wants given to nieces and nephews. So at least, he's come to terms with everything. I think he knows too it won't be long. he barely eats, he has no appetite. he drinks, but not much. I think mom's doing well, I'm quite surprised in that I'm doing rather well myself. I mean, yeah, there's a bunch of conflicting emotions going on inside me, but I don't think I'm going to break down or anything, at least not until he's actually in the ground. I've got to be there for mom, and the family and friends and such, to get through this time. Once that's done, then...then I can safely have any breakdown I need.

I don't know how mom does it. I was over there today, and two groups of people came to visit, one as the first was leaving. And both times, she sat in the room with dad and them, chatting with them like there was nothing wrong, like her husband wasn't laying on a hosptial bed in front of her being eaten alive internally. Like they had just stopped by to chat. I was in another room reading, because I only know these people second hand. But I was pissed off. he's in pain, and he's tired, and you know she's got to be worn out. And yet, you're going sit there and chat about another relative that's not there, or about how your respective gardens are doing, or this or that. But then, I realized, I shouldn't be angry. These people are coming to visit dad, to show they love and care about him. And mom's just being a good hostess. I don't think i could do it...she's always been stronger than me.

I know he wont be here for Christmas, I doubt he'll be here for Thanksgiving, I wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't even here for Halloween. I just want it to be over. But then, I guess that's selfish of me...which brings on the guilt, etc, etc, etc. Waves on a shore...

POLT

Listening to "Groove Is In The Heart" by Dee-Lite