If there was a way, I'd hold back these tears...

Today, when i got home, Freddie I went to bed to cuddle and play a little bit. And my cell rang. Normally, in those circumstances, I'd let it ring. but it was from my cousin Tracy, I knew she we here visiting, so i answered it. She was over at my parents, and I said I'd come over.

Tracy is three years younger than me and the closest thing to a sister I have. She lives in Baltimore now, and his sister Trish (who's one year younger) lives in Hershey PA, and they get back here maybe once or twice a month. i don't get to see them very often, so i try to see them when they're here.

I went over. They came by to visit dad, and mom or course. Dad was not having a good day. Normally, when people stop by for a visit, he at least listens the conversation taking place around him, maybe saying something every once in a while. Tonight, he didn't even want to be bothered with visitors. He didn't saw much to them except hi. And then he even grumbled at them a bit later, so they went into the living room with mom, and that's where they were when I found them.

We had a nice visit, the four of us. Then another cousin, his wife, and son showed up. The living room was a bit crowded, so i took the 9 year old, and my dog, into the back yard, where we walked for a bit and ran and stuff. Had a fun time.

Later on, Tracy and Trish decided they were ready to leave. they went to say bye to dad, and then I heard them in the kitchen. They were there for a while. So I got up from the living room and went to see what was up. They were crying. I hugged Tracy, and she would NOT let go. She just hugged me and cried and cried. I only got her to stop when I reached for more Kleenex for her. She and Trish dried thier eyes. Tracy managed to say, "He's always been my favorite uncle." And I know he was. And I know he loved her very much too. So I pulled them both in and they both started crying again.







And so did I.







It was the first time since all this started back in the Spring that I've cried. And I what surprised me was that I was crying for them. I felt so bad for them, that they felt so bad. They both realize, I'm sure,that this is the probably the last time they're going to see him. I wish there was something more I could have done for them.

And I cried for them, but I have yet to cry for myself, or mom or dad, even. I mean, I just don't feel like crying over that. It seems....premature? Pointless? I don't know. It just isn't...time yet. there's too much to do. We've got to make sure he's as comfortable as possible, and that he gets the drinks of ice water when he needs them, and that he gets moved when he wants, and that he can empty his bladder when he needs to, or have the bed raised when he needs to cough. Who the hell has time to tears?

But I do feel really really sad for my cousins. I'm tearing up as I type this. I guess my time for tears will come, but it's not here yet. And I'm not trying to "be strong", believe me, I can cry like a baby for his mama, and I have no shame about doing so. I just don't believe that time is yet.

I'm glad I started this blog over two years ago. For many reasons, but not the least of which is that it's kinda cathartic to type all this out. It's not gonna solve anything, I know. But I feel better after i do so, even if the whole thing is just a stream of consciousness thing. And typing it out is easier for me than talking about it, sometimes.

I guess I better get used to this, cause the closer he gets to death, the more people will get upset, and the more I'll be seeing them crying and upset. Oh well...what can ya do? Ya gotta do what ya gotta do.....

POLT

Listening to "Block Rockin Beats" by the Chemical Brothers