Allow me to preface this post by pointing out that I am NOT a Scrooge. I do NOT go around saying Bah Humbug towards any Christmas festivities. In fact, I like the Christmas season just fine, thank you very much.
However, there are some things that just irritate the crap outta me and push me closer and closer to getting on Santa's naughty list. So, here is...
The Top Ten Irritating Things About The Holidays!
#10. Traffic. Okay, this one irritates me all year, all the time. But it gets worse at this time of year. Does everyone HAVE to be out and about at the same time I am? I just want to get home from work and put my feet up, I don't want to have to drive through downtown NYC rush hour traffic to do so.
#9. Stupid Drivers. Again, this irritates me all year, but increases this time of year. Do you REALLY need to drive 55 MPH in the fast lane of the Interstate? Do you REALLY need to attempt to run me over to get that parking space that's the absolute closest to the store front as possible? Do you think you might want to use your turn signals once or twice, especially when trying to get the parking space that I'm walking in front of? Do you REALLY need to be yammering away on your phone while the light's been green for 15 seconds and you've yet to move? Disintegration rays mounted on the hood of Miss Cleo, seriously, if anyone can do this for me, you'll be my best friend forever.
#8. Having To Wrap Gifts. I am a horrible gift wrapper, always have been. I never needed to put stickers on my gift about who they were from, everyone could always tell by the wrapping. Seriously, I can't do it, and honestly I don't care. Whatver. But when the same relatives (and you KNOW who you are) make the same comments every year about how bad the wrapping is (did I do it in the dark? was I blindfolded? Did I get the blind lady at the gift wrapping table?) it just gets old really quick. Like, really, who the hell CARES how the gifts are wrapped? As soon as the gift is opened the wrapping goes in the trash anyway, right? Get the hell over it, sheesh.
#7. Taking Down The Christmas Tree. I love putting the tree up. Its a preview of things to come, its' fun, it's something to look forward to each year. But when it comes to taking it down....nope, no excitement. Not one bit. Tedious is the word I'd use. I try to take it down mid-January. I usually always get it down before Valentine's Day. Only once did I leave it up until Memorial Day. Hey, leave me alone, I hate taking the damn thing down.
#6. Post Christmas Letdown. This kinda ties into the previous one. Sometimes, it starts right after the gifts are open, sometimes not until the 26th, but it's always there two days or so after New Years. All the excitement and anticipation for the season, and the gifts, and the celebrating and the fun and stuff, all building over the weeks and then all of a sudden, like popping a balloon, it's all gone. Quite a letdown. Course, a few weeks later is the Super Bowl, and that usually perks me back up.
#5. Early Decorations. Do you put up your Valentines Day stuff in December? Hide Easter Eggs in February? Jack-O-Lanterns out in August? Start cooking the Thanksgiving turkey in September? No? Then why in the name of Heat Miser do you put your freaking Christmas tree up the week after Halloween????? Do you really need to replace your presidential candidate yard sign right away with a Santa in a sleigh pulled by reindeer???? I'm anxious for it to get here to, but doesn't it just seem wrong to put Christmas stuff out before all the leaves have even turned yet?
#4. Inflatable Decorations. If you've got stuff like THIS or worse yet THIS in your yard, then I'm sorry, but you're just stupid. These things are silly, unsightly, and stupid and so is the anyone who puts them up. And if I'm offending anyone, I am sorry, but when I see these, I just pray for a strong wind to blow them away. Or better yet, blow a sharp knife or rake or shovel or some other yard iimpliemnt into them and deflate them. They are hideous. If Bill "Loofa" O'Reilly wants to fight a 'real' war on Christmas, he could make it against these abominations.
#3. Excessively Happy People. I'm generally in a good mood (contrary to what this post may be indicating), but I can't stand people that are overly cheery and wishing everyone 'a blessed day' instead of a goodbye, or are smiling and all chipper and telling you all about the deocrations on their house and the gifts they're getting the kids, and so on and so forth. There's a fine line here, hearing about this stuff isn't really a problem, I'm just talking about the people that do so incessently, and constantly, and talk about it all like them just mainlined a case of Red Bull. Anyone that perky, I think, is overcompensating for something else in their life. Just sayin...
#2. The Hannakuh Song. Well, not the Hannakuh Song specifically. I mean I like the song, it makes me laugh...but not the 50th time I've heard it with more than a week to go until Christmas. That's just irritating. We need more Christmas songs, cause really, by Dec 20th, I've heard every Christmas song in Christendom, and probably a few from Muslim countries, and I'm just sick of them. Oh, and whoever wrote, enjoys, or has even pruchased a copy of the song, "Grandma God Run Over By A Reindeer" needs to be pummled about the head and shoulders with a set of rubber reindeer antlers. And whoever had anything to do with the making of the animated cartoon of that song needs to be pummeled about the head and shoulders with a set of REAL reindeer antlers. And trampled by reindeer hooves. For all eternity.
#1. Santy Claus. It's NOT San-TEY Claus, it's San-TAH Claus. TAH, TAH! It's an "A" not an "y". I swear when I hear this I cringe. It makes the speaker sound like a backwoods, white trash, redneck...which they probably are. Maybe this is only something from the area I live in but it really drives me nuts.
Now, having purged my system of all that, let's all go out there and just have a very Merry Christmas, okay?
POLT Listening to "Alive" by Dirty Vegas
A woman in Brazil has given birth to a giant baby, all 17 pounds of him. The woman will talk to the press just as soon as she puts her vagina back together. - Tina Fet, SNL Weekend Update
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3 comments:
i am with you on the appropriate punishments for the sick people who came up with "grandma got run over by a reindeer." though i have to say i think even worse than that is "dominic the italian christmas donkey." that one makes me bleed from the ears and stirs rampaging homicidal tendencies.
No decorations or tree this year, and it's really quite nice. The inflatable decorations are like neighborhood blight. And I so hear you on the traffic.
RE: Inflatables
Yeah they are just lame. We have a couple of houses in our neighborhood with them one has 10 of them. They also have every tree and part of the house decorated with lights which is kinda nice.
Onanite
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