They wrap around my head and they blind my eyes...

I wasn't really gonna post on this, but this has been rattling around in my head for almost 24 hours now. Usually in that time, I can get my head around an issue, I can get a grip on it, and resolve it. I can't seem to do that now. So this is apt to be somewhat rambling and stream of consciousness like. Bear with me.

The problem, if that's what it actually is, is involved with T. I've known him for several years, at least 4. We met through a mutual friend and have been friends since. We've had sex at least three times, perhaps four times. And one time, we even remotely, but not seriously, discussed what it would be like to be with each other, to date each other, to be a couple.

I have absolutely no problem having sex with someone without an emotional attachment, as definitively proven by the most recent Toronto trip. Shit, I don't even really have to know someone's name, or even speak to them, to have sex with them. On the other hand, there have been several friends, both gay and straight, that I've fooled around with once or twice or thrice, and we stayed friends the whole time, with no problems, and even afterwards. I've always included T in this last category.

Except, now, since he left, I'm having problems with it. I'm feeling like I'm getting an emotional attachement. I find myself thinking about him more than perhaps I should, and remembering, well remembering the whole thing actually. But specifically the kissing. I lurve kissing. And he's such a great kisser. passionate, yet yielding. Anxious, yet patient. His lips are plump. soft, moist, and pliable. He makes soft little moaning noises sometimes when we kiss. He runs his hands up my arm, or across my back, or through my hair, entwining his fingers there while we're kissing. He waits for me to end the kiss, never pulling away first. And then, as I'm pulling back, he quickly licks his lips and then leans over and gives me one more quick, gentle kiss, like a PS at the end of a letter. Yeah, obviously, I've been obsessing about this.....

It wasn't like this before. Oh, the kissing was, yeah, but my reaction to it wasn't. I didn't want to just hold him and cuddle, or lay with him and watch a movie or something while we enveloped each other on the couch. I didn't want to...well, enough obsession, you get the idea.

A relationship is not possible for him and I at this time. For a multitude or reasons that I'm not going to go into. But the biggest one is, I don't think we're compatable. We're two different people, too different to mesh. Our interests don't really overlap. Our goals don't. He's at a point in his life that I put behind me twenty years ago, and I don't really wish to visit again. I think we're actually two friends who are...well, chemically attracted to one another, but that's it. And i could sense a connection the first time we met. I knew I thought he was hot right away. And I could tell by his furtive, secretive glances at me that lingered a bit too long. The way he smiled. How he hugged me tighter, and a bit longer, than seemed the norm for friends. Sorry, I'm digressing again...

Back to my issue: I suppose the problem is that I'm feeling things for T I shouldn't, or at the least, can't act upon. And I know it. And that's what's bothering me. Why I'm feeling a bit meloncholic (and perhaps a bit melodramatic as well) lately.

I suppose I should be happy, be DAMN happy, that I have the situation I do. I mean, I could be pining over T from afar instead of having what I do. I guess one just has to be happy and content with one has, and not upset or stressed over what one does NOT have.

I read and reread this, and wasn't going to post it. But then I thought, what the hell. I wrote it, and it feels rather cathartic. It's helped me get a grip on the issue, and I think helped me reach a conclusion I can live with. And if I post it, I can always return to it and read it again should the need arise.

POLT Listening to "I Know What Boys Like" by The Waitresses Oil: 68.62 (+.24); Gas: 2.53 (+.02)

Carlos, if you're taking me somewhere where I don't need a boa, then I don't want to go. - Gaby, Desperate Housewives