You will like my sense of humor...

Took yet another test this afternoon, a 3 variable Sense of Humor test. And below, is the result:

(and I apologize for the weird spacing....there's text boxes all over this, and I can't seem to get them sized or spaced properly...)

(okay, I managed to get the spacing a bit better...but still...oh whatever...just read on)

the Idiot Savant

(38% dark, 69% spontaneous, 52% vulgar)
your humor style:
VULGAR SPONTANEOUS LIGHT

You like things silly, immediate, and, above all, outrageous. Ixne on the subtle word play, more testicles on fire, please. People like you are the most likely to RECEIVE internet forwards--and also the most likely to save them in a special folder entitled 'HOLY SHIT'.

Because it's so easily appreciated, and often wacky and physical, your sense of humor never ceases to amuse your friends. Most realize that there's a sly intelligence and a knowing wink to your tastes. Your sense of humor could be called 'anti-pretentious'--but paradoxically enough, that indicates you're smarter than most.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Johnny Knoxville - Jimmy Kimmel





The 3-Variable Funny Test!
- it rules -

If you're interested, try my latest: The Terrorism Test
Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on Ok Cupid

SO there you have it. Now, when you comment on this, do NOT forget to put the Savant after the Idiot! And take the test yourself and let me know what kind of humor you have, assuming some of you do indeed have a sense of humor. But regardless, who doesn't want to have humor most like Johnny Knoxville and Jimmy Kimmel????

POLT

Love lasts as long as a squirt in the dark. - Totally Fucked Up

Worry worry worry is all I can do...

I worry. No, not normally. Normally, I am one of the most stress free people I know. I try to just let shit roll right off. but lately, like in the last few days, I have been SO stressed. My stomach's been upset, I have a slight headavhe most of the time, and last night, I could NOT get to sleep cause all I did was think about this stupid shit.

What was a worrying about? In no particular order, they are:

1) That audit at work, which was finished today. WE got 100% on one section and 97.8 % on another so obviously we passed the audit. And so, THAT particular problem should be gone now.

2) BUT, there's talk of a major reorganization of my jobs duties, which kinda pisses me off, cause I don't WANT to do what they're gonna give me to do, but at the same time, I've done it before, so I know how to do it. Whatever...

3) My tooth. yeah I know this one's kinda stupid, but I KNOW I'm either gonna have to have it pulled or have a root canal, and I am just SUCH a pain when it comes to mouth pain. My mind goes, like which one should i have done, and when, cause I have training the middle of the month and I'm going to Toronto the end of the month, and I'd like to wait until afterwards, but what if it flares up rightin themiddle of Toronto???

4) My money sitaution, which sucks. yeah, I shouldn't be bitching about money if I'm going to Toronto for a week, but man, I really dont have the money for it, but I HAVE to go, cause i've been nagging one friend for like 5 years to go along, and he finally agreed to go, and I can't back out now...and this will, barring any surprising upturn in my income, be last time fora little while that I go...but up and beyond that, when i return, I'm gonna have to REALLY cut back and save and pay off debts....PB&J and grilled cheese for everyone!

5) the price of gas. I'm not so worried about IT specifically, but what these insane increases will do to my financial state...

Yeah, I know, people have no homes, or incomes or have lost family members along the Gulf, and MY problems dont even compare to that, and i understand that and am not sympathetic to their plight...BUT their problems are not mine (thank GOD) and my problems ARE mine, and those are the problems I have to deal with, so comparing them to someone else's is like apples to oranges.

Anyway, I just hope I can get past all this soon...man i HATE feeling this way...stressed and all!

POLT

Karma Police, arrest this girl, her Hitler hairdo is making me feel ill. And we have crashed her party. - Radiohead, Karma Police

Made a lot of choices, I wasn't prepared to make..

This in no way makes light of or diminishes the tragedy left in Katrina's wake, but does anyone else find this ironic?

A hurricane, over which no one has any control, hits the Gulf coast, destroys it, wiping out livelihoods, houses, and infrastructure and kills, well I haven't heard final figures, but let's say hundreds. And Bushie decides to cut his 5 week vacation 2 days short to monitor the problem.

That's all well an good, until one considers a war, that HE started, has been going on now for over two years, destroys Iraq, wiping out livelihoods, houses, and infrastructure and kills 100,000 Iraqis as well as 1800 US servicemen and women not to mention all the military personnel maimed and wounded, and yet, with all that going on, Bushie decides to TAKE a 5 week vacation. And yet despite the continuing death and destruction, he continues on through his vacation.

Is being cold, heartless, selfish, and unfeeling "Christian, traditional values" that the far right, Christian conservative Radical Republicans espouse so often?

POLT

It's always nicer to vomit in your own toilet. - Emmett, Queer As Folk

Now aint that some claim to fame...

I wish I could remember the place I got this from, had a bunch of other funny things like this:


Al Qaeda Claims Responsibility for Pat Robertson
Submitted by Comrade Che on 23 August, 2005 - 11:37.
Washington, DC - A videotape aired earlier today in Islamabad by the popular television program Good Morning, Pakistan featured Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden claiming responsibility for remarks made by Pat Robertson.
"In our objective to destabilize the Infidel Lands of the United States, we have sought to disrupt the United State's relationship with its neighbors, as well as the rest of the world," says a man on the video whom the Pentagon believes to be Osama Bin Laden. "We are pleased to have brought the world to this era, and we thank Pat Robertson for doing what he can to support our cause. Even if we differ on theological points of view, we must acknowledge his good work in dividing Christians and Muslims. God is great."
The videotaped announcement was released only hours after Pat Robertson called for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez.
Robertson is quoted at CNN as saying, "We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability."
The Christian broadcaster is believed to be a favorite of both Muslim and Christian fundamentalists, two groups who are often in support of murdering random people and saying they had divine permission.
"Du-u-u-de, Pat is all about Jesus kicking a** and stomping people who disagree with whatever he thinks Jesus believes this week," said one supporter of Wikan Springs Trailer Park, Iowa. "He's like Will Ferrell and Drew Carey! Pat Robertson totally rocks!"
These sentiments seem to be shared by the ruling council of Al Qaeda, who appear to be highly appreciative of everything Pat Robertson is doing on their behalf.
"We admire Pat Robertson very much. We admire his religiosity - and we approve of him when he encourages the use of violence to bring about a Theocratic State. He would make a good Jihadist - all he needs to do is refer to his God as 'Allah' and carry a Kalashnikov. Even if he didn't join us in name, it is clear - by his ability to make foreign enemies for the United States - that Pat Robertson is a friend of ours."
Pat Robertson was not available for comment.

Hehehhehehehehhheeehehehe......

POLT

If you're going to waste time, at least do it with your buddies.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes...

Well, kids, Uncle Polt's blog has been hit with spam yet again. So, I had to make some changes. I had to set it up so that when you leave a comment, you have to type in a word that appears on the screen as well. This will prevent automated thingees from spamming me. It's only one more step for you guys when you comment, so don't let that keep you from doing so. I think it might prevent you from posting something anonymously as well, and if that's true, I'm sorry, but this spamming blogs thing just irritates me, so i took corrective measures.

Please keep reading and posting though!

POLT

I've known sheep who could outwit you! I've worn dresses with higher IQ's. - Jamie Lee Curtis

I would like, if I may, to take you on a strange journey...

Just got off the phone with Mama Polt, she's back home. In the span of 36 hours, she went from our town, to Baltimore, to Boston (where she got to visit Fenway Park, which she always wanted to do) back to Baltimore and back to our town. All courtesy of the brainiacs running our government.

Well, at least her flights went well and she's home safe. That's the most important thing, I guess.

POLT

I'm not much of a man by the light of the day, but at night, I'm a hell of a lover! - Dr. Frankenfurter, The Rockey Horror Picture Show

Hear me screaming, "You're a pork chop, pork chop!"...

Thank you, I don't mind if I do.

POLT

I only require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless and stupid. - Dorothy Parker

Rock, rock, rock, rock, rock and roll high school...

This is the first day back to school for students in my local school district, and it got me to thinking. From Kindergarten up until like sometime in Junior High, my mother would always take a picture of me, leaving the house on the first day of school, lunch box and whatever bookbag I had in hand. That HAD to stop when I was like 13 or 14, becuase by then I was too old for such foolishness. now, of course, I would love to have a photo like that of me every year, to see the changes.

Also, I have a rather unpleasant memory from about this same time dealing with the first day of school. When I entered Junior High, it was traumatic experience for me. We had two elementrary schools and two junior highs: Summitview Elementary kids went to East Junior High and Fairview Elementrary kids went to Antietam Junior High. Except that, due to a moronic change in the line of division between the two, there were 4 kids who went to Summitview that had to go to Antietam, to a school full of people they hadn't spent the last 7 years together with. And I was one of those 4. SO I'd be in a brand new school, which is always somewhat daunting, but now I'd know almost no one.

In addition, being 13, I was in the midst of adolescence and as such, my body was changing and betraying me daily. And in Junior High we had to shower after gym class, which frightened me to no end, because I was ashamed of my body and didn't want to undress in front of others. (yeah, I know...what I difference 25 years make, huh?)

So, bearing all this in mind, I left home and started walking to my first day of Junior High School. I got about halfway there, and remembered that I had forgotten something I needed. What is was, I have no idea now, but, man, do I remember the fear and anxiety i felt when i realized I didn't have it. So I had to hurry back home, thinking I'd just have mom drive me to school. But when I got there, she had already left for work. I stood in the middle of the kitchen, and literally thought of just not going. Just saying fuck it all, and staying home. But then, I was worried about my "permanent record" and the fact that I wasnt' there the first day would cast me as an even bigger outsider than i was already was going to be.

So I set out again for school. I was sweating, with all the anxiety I mentioned above, plus, not I was moving fast so as to not be too late, and plus I was sweating cause i knew I WOULD be late. And I was so would up, honestly, i almost started to cry. But I held on, and somehow made it to school without being late at all, but I got there jsut at the first bell.

And surprisingly, I can't remember a single thing else about that day. I know it didnt' go that bad, cause I made some new friends that day, and didn't suffer and undue traumas or harsh memories. but dear God, do i remember the trek to school, and how horrible I felt. I thought I'd show up late, be laughed at, ostracized, and the remainder of school life would be that of a made fun of loner (hey, I was a teenager, who else is prone to such hyperbole and melodrama?)

And then, I remember one other first day of school thing: as a senior in high school, i was also the oldest of my 6 cousins. ANd I had a car (a tired old Pontiac 6000, that had the Po fall off from the name on the back of it...good old Ntiac, she was). SO I was responsible for getting a number of cousins to school. Had to take Tim to East Junior High, where he was in 7th grade, then take Trish to Antietam Junior High where she was in 9th grade, then take Tracy with me to the Senior High school as she was a sophomore and I was a senior there. But it was okay, I loved, and still do love, all my cousins.

Not such a bad school career, now that I think of it, of course at the time, oh, it was just THE worst ever! SIGH....to be young again...but to know what I know now.

POLT

I got a really had feeling in the pit of my stomach. I think it's love. - Jesse, Dude, Where's My Car?

You can canel your plans, cancel your man...

Mama Polt is coming home. She arrived in Boston at 4:30 pm Sunday afternoon and will leave on a plane Monday aftenoon at 2:30pm. Why? Because of Hurricane Katrina. Yeah, go figure that one out. Due to a hurricane striking Lousiana, the director of mom's department canceled all travel and vacation, and ordered everyone back to thier jobs. How a a hurricane hitting the Gulf Coast affects an employee at a convention in Boston who works an hour out of DC is beyond me. But then, it's the fedeal government, and as we know, THIS particular administration is not ruled by logic.
Mom wont get to see Fenway Park or a few other attractions she wanted to see, and she wont get all those freebies she usually gets, but that's really the only way it affects her. But for you and me, Joe Taxpayer, that means the money the government spent on registration for the whole week, and hotel rooms for the whole week, not to mention emergency flight tickets home, is just so much wasted cash. And this is just for one person. Let's not forget ALL the personnel of her department traveling all over the country, hell the world for that matter. ALl have to immediately return home.

And no one knows why. Is it because they were afraid the hurricane would be around Boston on Thursday when their flight was originally to leave? No. Are they calling them home to send them to Louisiana to help with government efforts there? No. They just want them home for the emergency.

What a crock. Wasn't it the Republicans about, oh 12 years ago or so, that said if they got in power, they'd curtail government waste and spending? And yet, not only do they do something stupid like this, but the budget deficit is at an all-time high, Congressional staffing and budgets have gone through the roof, and we're giving huige tax breaks back to rich people.

And yet, they still keep getting re-elected. What fools the American people be.

POLT

"How old are you?" "How old do you want me to be?" - In The Flesh

Week 6...

Monday's Hot Shirtless Guy Photo

POLT

He beat the Gambler! And the Gambler cheats! - Shade, Green Arrow #17

O jealousy, is she fine....

What is best about this picture is not the tight top, nor the cup placement, nor the boob tattoo, nor even the crown (although that IS pretty nifty). It's the look on the other woman's face. You can see she's enviously thinking, "Vicki-Lou, you cheap whore, it's bad enough you not only have more teeth than me, and you've had more men this past week than I have, but dammit, why did the good Lord above give me such a paltry bosom in comparison to yours? Oh, if only I too could hold my beverage with my breasts, then Billy-Joe-Jim-Bob would take me to the NASCAR race in his 1975 Chevy pickup with that new coat of primer on it! "

White trash...ya gotta love em, for entertainment value if nothing else.

POLT

Fucking beauty queens, blowing chunks...it was the most horrible thing I've ever seen! - Drop Dead Gorgeous

You better work, you better work it, girl...

I have one thing to say, and while most of you will have no idea what I'm talking about, to anyone who does, they're smiling already!

Way to GO, girlfriend! I am SO proud of you!

POLT

"Eric, did you say the F-word?" ".....what, Jew?" - Cartmen, South Park

In Boston Massachusetts, she'll be there....

So, Mama Polt is off to Boston. She's going to some conference for her job. Man, I'd love to have a job witht he federal government. They've sent her to San Francisco, New Orleans, and San Antonio (although, Texas in August, like they sent her last year, is something I would NOT want to do. And it's all for this same kinda training, something about the federal credit card she uses for her job and stuff. And there's always a number of companies there who hand out free stuff to her: hats, tee shirts, pens, i forget all the stuff she's gotten. And its free trips to different cities. Man, who wouldn't like a job like that?
POLT

The difference between men and boys is the price of thier toys. - Liberace

It's a terrible case of mistaken identity...

Heheheheehehe....horrifying thought, ain't it!

POLT

Boys might be bad sex, but they tended to be indefatigable. - Paul Reidinger, The City Kid

Come on, meet me in the boys bathroom...

Last week, kids, Uncle Polt undertook a daunting and dangerous task. One that he only undertakes under EXTREME circumstances. One that he dreads doing, but knows must be done regardless. A deed that has planted fear firmly into the hearts of the courageous, and sends the brave and adventurous running for their lives.

Uncle Polt cleaned his bathroom.

Yes, yes, I know what you're saying, oh the Doubting Thomas-es (Thomas-i?) among you, I can hear you all now: NowWay! You're lying! It's about time! Ew! But I assure you I did. And as proof, I have.....before and after pictures.

Now I give you all fair warning here: the before photos are not fit for man nor beast (actually, the after photos aren't all THAT much better, but I digress), so lock up the old folks, hide the children, secure the pets.....I give you....Uncle Polt's Bathroom Photos!

The Bathroom: before and after

The Sink: before and after

The Toilet: before and after

Don't ask about the shower...what you think I have a death wish? There's some things even Uncle Polt can't do without a HazMat suit, an independent air supply, and probably some Xanax. But at least, I can now allow other to use the bathroom and not suggest that they NOT turn on the light and just use it by the night light.

POLT

The avalanche has already started. It is too late for the pebbles to vote. - Kosh, Babylon 5

The Eisenhower blues...

Should any political party attempt to abolish social security, unemployment insurance, and eliminate labor laws and farm programs, you would not hear of that party again in our political history. There is a tiny splinter group, of course, that believes you can do these things. Among them are [a] few other Texas oil millionaires, and an occasional politician or business man from other areas. Their number is negligible and they are stupid."
President Dwight D. Eisenhower, 11/8/54

Good old Ike. He knew the score...and that was 50 years ago, no less.

POLT

Ain't it a shame that at the top, still those soft-skin boys can bruise you? - Rufus Wainwright

Trapped in a prison with no prison bars...

We've got a brand new, first time commenter here at the Palace: Mrs. Phoenix. She writes:

Thanks to a nice thing called a bookmark, I found your blog.
Well good! Return visitors are not only wanted but encouraged.

It's so nice that I've made it onto one of the comments.
Oh yeah, everyone I know makes it in eventually. Some wear it as a badge of honor. Glad you're pleased.

I think that being allowed to visit with you once a week should be considered being released from prison.
Nah, that's just a furlough, like a weekend pass some prison inmates get. At the end of them, they have to, reluctantly I'm sure, return to the prison.

And besides, if you have a problem with everyone paying for their own meal each week, you know where I live.
Oh I don't have a problem with everyone paying for thier own meals. However, nor do I have a problem with alternating paying for the meals every other week, just like one might alternate or share the driving duties to said meal every other week, or even as one might share deciding where exactly said meal would be held. Sharing, a novel concept for us only children, eh? And yes indeed I do know where you live, but as my lack of appearances there could possibly indicate, it's unlikely I would show up there, especially over something as small and petty as this. However, should you wish to discuss this further, I feel confident you know of other, better ways to discuss it than on a blog.

Have a pleasant day.

POLT

You're not lost. You're just fulla shit. - Debbie, Queer As Folk

Vote for me, we can overtake the world...

Okay, ya know people, I don't ask much of you. Check in every so often, see if I've put anything up worth looking at, maybe, occasionally, leave a comment or something. Nothing too strenuous or taxing. But I've added a blogpoll over there in the blue box on the left, and I recently changed it, and its being ignored like a red headed stepchild.

Now if you're a first time or casual reader of Polt's Palace, then I guess it's not that big of a deal (although I usually vote in all the polls I come across, even if I don't know the person). But I know I have a few regular readers, and its a bit disappointing that with the two polls i put up, one had three votes and the other one has only two so far, in both cases I know damn well one of thevotes was mine!

All I'm asking is that you take a moment or two and vote. All you gotta do is find the blue box, and put the cursor on whichever circle you want, click the left mouse utton and then tap the button when the cursor is on the grey box marked"Vote" and that's IT! whoo-hooo!

Course, I guess I should take the reluctance to vote as a hint or something...maybe just ditch the blogpoll altogether....

POLT

"You fucked him in your office?" "He was the best thing to come across my desk in a long time." - Brian, Queer As Folk

Ya know, as I read over this, I sound like a whiney, angry bitch, which I can be, but I don't mean to be that way here. I'm not whining, angry or bitchy, I just want people to vote in my blogpoll. Is that so wrong????

Four fingered fisher man, alright...

Last night, I watched the Tom Green movie "Freddie Got Fingered". It was one of the stupidest wastes of my time that I have ever done. The movie was weird, strange, and absurd, and NOT in a good way. It's biggest sin, though, was that is simply was NOT funny.

Not a little bit.

At all.

The strangest things about it are 1) that any Hollywood studio would commit one dollar to make this piece of inanity and 2) that there managed to be so many actors in it that I knew. What shape must thier careers be in that they appeared in this. Was thier agent high? Or just retarded? Julie Haggerty, Rip Torn, one of the American Pid kids, Anthony Micheal Hall (okay, well he doesn't have THAT stellar of a career), Drew Barrymore (she can be excused cause she was married to Tom Green. Or that actually could be the biggest damnation of all).

Mind you, I have laughed at some of Tom Green's bits before. But a small bit of him goes a LOOOOONG way. And two hours of him....nah, it gets old really, REALLY fast.

It's sad to think that people actually wasted time making, and watching this movie. I weep at the things that that money COULD have been used for: a decent mainstream movie, and well funded independent film, or a very potent euthanasia agent for Mr. Green to ensure no more drivel like this ever sees the light of day again.

POLT

Why do we live in a time when the smart have no power and the stupidest rule everything? - Dr. Hibbert, The Simpsons

Stop, in the name of love...

Bwahahahhahhahahhahaaahahahahahahahahahahhhahahah!!!!!!!!!

POLT

"What sizes does this come in?" "Twink, stud, and bear." - Emmett, Queer As Folk

Pretty pretty bad idea...

So what happens when you take too much alcohol, add in bored probably already drunk college boys, and mix in some fire crackers? Nothing good.

No amount of liquor can turn you into Johnny Knoxville or Steve-O. Now, let this be a lesson to you all.

POLT

We could be heroes, if just for one day. - David Bowie "Heroes"

I wonder all the time, why worry...

Okay, so the dentist thing is over. And I did all the worrying for nothing. ohmiGOD was I stressed! I don't like going to the dentist, but normally, it's not any kind of issue for me. But this time, Lord, I stressed all about it at work, my stomach was doing flip flops, I didn't even lunch because I was afraid I'd puke it all back up! While driving home, I seriously thought about just calling in an canceling. The back of my shirt was plastered to my back with sweat; sweat was running down my sides from my armpits like a waterfall. I was sitting in the office, and had a sheen of sweat on my face. It was HORRIBLE! And my tooth wasn't even hurting right now!

But anyway, I explained to him what was going on. he took and x-ray, and said it's probably an inflamed nerve in the tooth. he said ultimately, we'd either have to do a root canal or extraction, but if it's not hurting me now, we should leave well enough alone. He gave me a prescription for pain and anti-biotics if the pain came back and I couldn't get to him right away. And that was that.

All that stress and worry and anxiety for nothing. Course, I DO have the rest of the afternoon off, AND I've got a pretty good pain kller, should I ever need one. SCORE!

POLT

To being an us, for once, insread of a them! - Mark, Rent

Look into my eyes, what do you see? Cult of personality...

HEY, I put up a new Blogpoll, and it's just screaming your name, dear reader of Polt's Palace! Have at it!
***********************************************************
Okay, so I went back to the Global Personality Test results and thought I'd check and see what exactly some of this stuff meant. It is not always flattering, but, and I'm somewhat ashamed to say this, it's mostly accurate. Those of you who know me will I'm sure agree. But in order I give you Polt's Personality Traits:

Sexuality 90%: more kinky than vanilla, erotic, feels pleasure should play a central role in life, not oppossed to strip clubs, promiscuous tendencies, likes to be naked, seductive, loves getting massages, likes to dress provocatively, merges and feels intimate oneness with others, believes love is proven through physical expression, believes they get what they want because of how they look, more sensual than intellectual, uses looks to get what they want, believes personal relationships are more important than personal privacy, would rather risk rejection than remain alone, not afraid to show their feelings when they like someone, impulsive, charmer

Interdepence 83%: good at taking advice, prefers to do things with others, easy to get to know, expressive about feelings, likes to be part of a group, learns better with others, trusting, positive, content, tends to be traditional

Self Absorbed 76%: does things primarily for the benefit of themself, puts their feelings first, can't do anything when they don't feel good, swayed by their emotions, more concerned with themself than others, prefers personal glory over team victories, pleasure seeker, uses their looks to get what they want, gets angry when they don't get what they want, dramatizes their suffering, wealth seeking, superficial, manipulative, narcissistic

Anti-Authority 76%: resents supervision, does not like to be bound by schedules or habits, prefers to do things when they feel ready, appreciation for anarchy, has a need for complete freedom, would rather work for self than a company, questions everything, wants things done their way, prone to behavior problems in school, gets angry when they don't get what they want, subversive, tends to dislike organized religion, fears confinement, values loyalty, challenging

Peter Pan Complex 76%: avoids responsibilities, people tell them they are childish and need to grow up, would rather live in their head than the real world, wants success to just happen to them, focuses on fantasies more than reality, believes they deserve to have whatever they want, life lacks direction, never know what to do next, does dumb things frequently, inconsistent performance, lazy, slacker, does the minimum to get by, does things without thinking, does not feel they have any reason to accomplish anything, tend to ignore or put off problems, believes fun is the most important thing in life, most people think they are crazy, forgets scheduled appointments, more past than future, gets attention through negative behavior

Physical Security 76%: feels they have sufficient financial and material resources

As I said, not all that flattering all the time, but, if you know me, you know it's accurate. It's me, warts and all.

POLT

There's nothing in America that I would miss. This present government in America, I just find it disgusting. - Robert Altman, Jan 2002

We could write a four chord wonder...

Phoenix wrote me four, count em, four comments tonight. WHoo-hoo! Without further ado (or adont) let's get to em!

In regards to the "Ub" sign i had posted, he writes:

...and surprisingly the picture came out clear...

I don't know why he's surprised. I mean, I know my camera takes clear pictures, and I assume HE can take clear pictures (especially since I had the damn car stopped right next to the sign) I think he just lacks appropriate faith in our team, photo taking abilities...
*****************************************************************
In regards to my....mood....he writes:

...and of course the warden didn't help any...

Okay, Phoenix, this is venturing into subject matter that is just better off NOT tread upon. (ya know, most inmates, at some point in time, get out from under the oppression of a warden eventually, whether by getting out when their sentence ends, whether they get out on a technicality, or whether they just escape and run away. And you've been married now HOW long......)
***********************************************************
In regards to the one quiz I had listed, he writes:

okay here's my results...70% SCIENTIFIC INTUITION and47% EMOTIONAL INTUITION I ended up more or less in the middle of the graph but slowly drifting toward the "geek" vortex.

Drifting towards the "geek" vortex....now how many times have I TOLD you to be careful where you're going and watch that nasty drift of yours!?!
***********************************************************
And finally, in regards to the other quiz, he writes:

Okay Polt, here are my "Advanced Global Personality Test" Results:
Cool! Lay em on me, man!

Stability results were medium which suggests you are moderately relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.
Okay, this is you, I think.

Orderliness results were high which suggests you are overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense too often of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun.
Well you ARE organized, reliable and neat, haven't called you anal retentive before? And as for the others, aren't I always telling you to lighten, let go, go wild? (Course, with being at the other end of the spectrum, well, i wouldn't want to go that far...might hurt yourself trying to become like me.)

Extraversion results were low which suggests you are very reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.
I don't think you're secretive at all, but the others are pretty accurate I think. Freaky, how good these quizzes are, huh?

I guess this is probably not too suprising. Just boring, un-fun, un-spontaneous, reclusive me... :(
Oh, don't be silly. If you were boring, un-fun, and reclusive, would I want ANYTHING to do with you? NAH! (you could be a little more spontaneous, but, hell I been working on ya about that for years, so it's like a game now) Besides, opposites attract, that's why we get along so well. And Christ, if you like me, the two of us would have just spontaneously combusted YEARS ago! You're Phoenix, just the way you are, and that's good enough!

POLT

Superman, have I told you I love you? In a really butch, hetero guy-to-guy sort of way, I mean. I mean, in the same way I love Joe DiMaggio! - Plastic Man, JLA Incarnations #7

I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes...

I think $2.49 is just too much for the Ub Of The Month. Now, if it was only $1.99....

POLT

Snapshots always say a lot more about the person who took them than about the people who are in them. - Paul Russell, Boys Of Life

I have been contemplating letting go of you ego...

Also took the Sloan Personality test, and this is the results:

Test Results
Extroversion 76%
Emotional Stability 63%
Orderliness 16%
Accommodation 16%
Inquisitiveness 50%

Your sloan type is SCUEN
Your primary type is Egocentric
You are social, calm, unstructured, egocentric, and moderately intellectual

So, what does SCUEN mean? Here is the result:
SCUEN
not easily hurt, spends more time in group activities than solitary activities, comes alive at parties and in crowds, not very religious, would not want to give up drinking or smoking, not mystical, not big on science fiction, does not care if people think poorly of them, not very introspective, fits in most places, does not like to go days without speaking to people, likes change, trusting, not very intellectual, underachiever, not easily moved to tears, thrill seeker, does not like to compromise, not apologetic, avoids difficult reading material, relaxed most of the time, likes danger, not punctual, impatient, not upset by the misfortunes of strangers, believes in an eye for an eye, not detail oriented, uninterested in the needs of others, avoids responsibilities, not known for generosity, more dominant than submissive, underachiever, likes crowds, aggressive, willing to take risks, not embarrassed easily, not passionate about improving the world, show off, socially comfortable, acts as they please, not bothered by disorder

And since Egocentric is my primary type, let's see what they have to say about that:

Egocentric
egocentric, self absorbed, not loyal, not generous, only concerned about those close to them, prone to bitterness, can ignore the rights of others, narcissist, meglomaniac, competitive, controlling, needs to have the upper hand in relationships, vain, materialistic, values indivuality over loyalty, not afraid of conflict, would pursue a career that was harmful to others, believes the benefits of freedom outweigh the benefits of attachment, does not value organized religion, does not like to admit making mistakes, quick tempered, not traditional, tactless, blunt, suspicious, makes enemies, wants to be famous, prefers technical careers (law, engineering, medicine), prefers instant gratification, attracted to prestige, manipulative, influenced more by self than others, decisive

Hmm, not terribly flattering, but it appears accurate.

POLT

Reality is merely and illusion, albeit a persistent one. - ALbert Einstein

My global mind reaches out for the truth...

Took the Advanced Global Personality test (all 127 questions) :

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion 66% Stability 70% Orderliness 16% Accommodation 23% Interdependence 83% Intellectual 50% Mystical 16% Artistic 56% Religious 43% Hedonism 23% Materialism 50% Narcissism 43% Adventurousness 10% Work ethic 10% Self absorbed 76% Conflict seeking 63% Need to dominate 70% Romantic 23% Avoidant 10% Anti-authority 76% Wealth 10% Dependency 23% Change averse 56% Cautiousness 23% Individuality 36% Sexuality 90% Peter pan complex 76% Physical security 76% Physical Fitness 10% Histrionic 56% Paranoia 16% Vanity 43% Hypersensitivity 30% Female cliche 30%

Stability results were high which suggests you are very relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.
Orderliness results were very low which suggests you are overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense too often of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.
Extraversion results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.
trait snapshot: messy, disorganized, social, tough, outgoing, rarely worries, self revealing, open, risk taker, likes the unknown, likes large parties, makes friends easily, likes to stand out, likes to make fun of people, reckless, optimistic, positive, strong, does not like to be alone, ambivalent about chaos, abstract, impractical, not good at saving money, fearless, trusting, thrill seeker, not rule conscious, enjoys leadership, strange, loves food, abstract, rarely irritated, anti-authority, attracted to the counter culture
Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

So, I'm highest on Sexuality (90%) [no surprise there] and lowest on Work Ethic [again no surprise], phyisical fitness [nope, no surprise there], wealth [unfortunately, no surprises here either], adventurousness [disappointing, that] and avoidant [whatever that means].

I think the assessment, though is pretty accurate.

POLT

Only the weak succumb to brutality. - Superman, Kingdom Come #3

I just go weak when I hear mood indigo...

I am in a mood.

BLECH!

And I'm not sure why. I mean, nothing terrible is going on today. Yesterday, in fact most of this week so far, had the potential to be bad, but wasnt. It could be all the stupid crap going on at work. Or it could be the money issue I'm having (espeically with the Toronto trip upcoming in about a month). Or it could be worry about my tooth (got a dentist appointment Thursday afternoon, and I am just SUCH a wuss baby when it comes to mouth pain). Or maybe a combination of all of it. Who knows? I'm just not really fit to be around man nor beast lately.

And poor Chris, poor, poor Chris, he just happened to be around when it all exploded. Started out with something political and that opened the floodgates, and well.....I hope the poor boy recovered.

But man, I just wish this spell would end. I HATE being like this. BLECH, inDEED!

POLT

No sex is wrong if there's love in it. - Marilyn Monroe

Stupid Cupid, you're a real mean guy...

Took yet another quiz, this one to find out what kind of lover i am, or some such junk. THIS is the result:

Don't ever marry, you're The Hornivore. Roaming, sexual, subhuman. The Hornivores (you) are some of the most screwed up and naughty beings in the Universe. And their numbers are growing, mostly due to skipped or misused contraception. You care not. There's one thing you want, one sole need. Half manly, half bestial, you act on instinct, and animal charisma smoothes the way. It's unlikely you're driven by much other than your own selfish, orgasmic requirements. Your appearance and personality have evolved for the hunt. Ass beckons, you oblige. For the record, you can happily bang all personality types, however your match percentages might be low with the kinder, more sensible people of the world, purely because they all wish to avoid you. Good luck to them.

Heheheehehehe....well, that sounds about right. If you wanna take the test yourself, well I can't find the exact test, but it was in OK Cupid, so you could start here: www.okcupid.com

Good luck.

POLT

Morality is best learnt through actions and imitation, not words and litigation.

Its that nutty rhythm that gets you thinking you're almost going insane...

Check this out:

VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. - Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson suggested on-air that American operatives assassinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez to stop his country from becoming "a launching pad for communist infiltration and Muslim extremism."
"We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability, " Robertson said Monday on the Christian Broadcast Network's "The 700 CLub."
"We don't need another $200 billion war to get rid of one, you know, strong-arm dictator, " he continued. "It's a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with." "Chavez has emreged as one of the most outspoken critics of President Bush accusing the United States of conspiring to topple his government and possibly backing plots to assassinate him. U.S. officials have called the accusations ridiculous.
"You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it," Robertson said. "It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war ... and I don't think any oil shipments will stop."
Robertson, 75, founder of the Christian Coalition of America and a former presidential candidate, accused the United States of failing to act when Chavez was briefly overthrown in 2002.
Electronic pages and a message to a Robertson spokeswoman were not immediately returned Monday evening.
Venezuela is the fifth largest oil exporter and a major supplier of oil to the United States. The
CIA estimates that U.S. markets absorb almost 59 percent of Venezuela's total exports.
Venezuela's government has demanded in the past that the United States crack down on Cuban and Venezuelan "terrorists" in Florida who they say are conspiring against Chavez.
Robertson has made controversial statements in the past. In October 2003, he suggested that the State Department be blown up with a nuclear device. He has also said that feminism encourages women to "kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians."

What the HELL????? This man, like much of the far right religious radical nutbags, is crazy! I wonder, did he ask "What Would Jesus Do?" and get THIS as the response? What happened to turn the other cheek???

Is it any wonder our country is so fucked up when this is the type of guy that is all through the upper echelons of our government!

POLT

Life's a series of long red lights followed by short bursts of green. - Audi commercial

Week 5...

Monday's Hot Shirtless Guy Photo

In light of all the hot steamy weather we've had lately, I thought I'd show a hot shirtless guy cooling off....not that his photo helps ME cool off at all......

POLT

It's weird going on a date. It's so....hetero! - Mike, Queer As Folk

Get up, drop the bombshell...

Took a quiz recently (no I didn't save the site I got it from, sorry) called "Who Is Your Inner Bombshell?" Obviously, the quiz was meant for women, but I thought, hey, I'm close enough. Turns out my Inner Bombshell is Lucille Ball, which I found hilarious, and not altogether that surprising, when you think about it. Anyway, my point in posting all that here is that the questions, i thought, were funny than the outcome. So, I've reproduced that questions, and my answers here as well.

Who is your inner bombshell?
How would you describe your hair?
-bleached within every inch of it's life
-the same color it's always been, i like it natural
-i'm a redhead, by choice or by birth
-the darkest color imaginable
-i change the color almost as often as I change my men.
(well I saw no reason to lie on the quiz, but I chuckled at the 1st and last answer)

What do you look for in a man?
-it's all about size....like the size of his....wallet
-an exotic man from another country will do just fine!
-a loving partner with a soft touch. someone to hold my hand.
-i don't have much time for men, but big and famous men are one's i'll slow down for.
-::diamonds diamonds diamonds::
(the wallet answer was tempting...but the last one had me chuckling too)

What would the title of your autobiography be?
-The Art and Power of Being a Lady
-My Love Affair With Jewelry
-Ball of Fire: The Tumultuous Life and Comic Art of...
-Goodness Had Nothing To Do With It
-Blonde
(Oh, how tempted I was to pick the 1st or 4th answer, cause really I loved them both. but the one i picked seemed most appropriate)

What's your favorite part of your body?
-My big feet
-My sleepy eyes and pouty lips
-My ballerina like legs
-Everything, honey.
-My dark, doe-like features
("Ballerina like legs"...me....BWAHAHAHAHA! I was tempted with the 4th one...but then I thought, well, the 1st one could be good too!)

How many times will you get married?
-Isn't that a rather personal question?
-Marriage is a great institution. I'm not ready for an institution.
-Three times. Love is fickle and I swoon easily.
-Eight times. What do you expect me to do? Sleep alone?
-Twice. Although I hate the idea of divorce, sometimes people aren't just right for each other.
(hey, is there any OTHER choice I could have made here?)

What does a normal day for you consist of?
-usually lounging around home sipping champagne all day until i realize that i forgot to do something important.
-sex, sex and more sex
-gosh by the time i wake up and decide what diamonds to wear my day's already half over!
-Normal? There is no such thing as a normal day in my life. I'm a troublemaker!
-gardening, playing with my many animals, supporting one of my many charities, just being lovely
(and really, is there ANY other choice I could have made here?)

And so, Lucille Ball it is. But the other answers are entertaining as well. Not as entertaining and fighting with a little old Italian lady in a vat of grapes or trying to keep up with chocolates on a conveyuor belt, but what can ya do?

POLT

If you ask me, nobody makes a better woman than a gay man. - Emmett, Queer As Folk

what the hell???????

You have:
62% SCIENTIFIC INTUITION and
92% EMOTIONAL INTUITION

The graph on the right represents your place in Intuition 2-Space. As you can see, you scored super high on emotional intuition and above average on scientific intuition.Your emotional intuition is stronger than your scientific intuition. Your Emotional Intuition score is a measure of how well you understand people, especially their unspoken needs and sympathies. A high score score usually indicates social grace and persuasiveness. A low score usually means you're good at Quake. Your Scientific Intuition score tells you how in tune you are with the world around you; how well you understand your physical and intellectual environment. People with high scores here are apt to succeed in business and, of course, the sciences.

Okay, I dont know what the HELL happened here...I had trouble getting this imported to my blog, and now, the spacing and stuff is just all wacky. I tried to fix it as best I could, so if it's still all over the place, well I apologize. nonetheless I found the stuff interesting. Course, I guess a 62% scientific something or other does nothing to help you figure out the HTML on a blog, now does it? POLT PS - Well, I got it spaced out better, I think. And if anyone wants to take the test, here below is where I took it: http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=3890039532751104124 If you DO take it, let me know the results. I'd like to see how i compare. It has always been the prerogative of children and half-wits to point out that the emperor has no clothes. But the half-wit remains a half-wit and the emperor remains an emperor. - Dream, Sandman #60

This is just a passing thought...

I found this thought on No Milk Please :

I think when people hear "homosexual," they think anal sex. But when the same person hears "heterosexual," they think Ashton Kutcher, which is so ironic because Ashton is an asshole. See the disconnect? People don't think of homosexuals as people, they think of us as a deviant sex act, which wouldn't bother me so much, except that I'd rather be thought of as an armpit fart.

Hmmm, I don't know. Made me laugh first, then made me think. I think too much.

POLT

I'm not sick, but I'm not well. - Harvey Danger

We're gonna drop the button, there ain't no time...

BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!

POLT

I would feel infinitely more comfortable in your presence if you would agree to treat gravity as a law rather than one of a number of suggested options. - Delirium, Sandman # 63

I see your true colors, shining through...

Found a new alert system the Bushies are gonna implement. It's the Homo Warning Scale.



Examples of each include:

Red: The Castro in San Francisco; DuPont Circle in DC; Chelsea in New York; Key West; Fire Island NY; Rehobeth Del; Provincetown Mass; Gay Pride celebration in any large city; Wigstock; The US Navy;
Orange: The rest of San Francisco; Gay Pride celebration in any small city or large town; the Liberace Museum; Hollywood; Broadway; The US Marine Corps;
Yellow: Gay Pride celebration in any town; when Bette Midler's in town; Tom Cruise's homes; The US Army;
Green: Hairstylist conventions; a Rock Hudson Film Restrospective; The Supreme Court (Scalia 'doth protest too much'); The US Air Force; The New Jersey Governor's Mansion;
Blue: all the 'red' states (ironically enough); any NASCAR race; NRA meeting;
Purple: Utah; The National Convention Of Conservative Republicans for Christ; The White House (or so they believe);

POLT

I love living single, drinking double and sleeping triple!

It don't talk back unless the wind blows...

Got a few comments here....

First up is Johnnie:

i'm in favor of allowing morons to weed themselves out of the population. the only bad thing is that when they don't have insurance the tax payers end up footing their bill to pay for their stupidity. there should be an addendum to the bill saying that if you're in a motorcycle accident and aren't wearing a helmet, you get no medical treatment without payment. i vote yea

This was in regards to the post I made about motorcylists not being required to wear helmets, and I'll tell ya, John, if we could get that clause added to the law, I'd have no problems with it either.
***********************************************************
Next we have this one:

good post... thanks

you are certainly welcome, but since it was sent anonymously, then I have no idea who's thanking me and who I've just welcomed. I know there's a way I can disable the anonymous option, I just have to find it. That would cut down on some of this stuff too, I imagine. Although, anonymously or not, I still appreciate the thanks.
***********************************************************
Next in line is this one, in regards to the post about the dangers of masturbation (heheh, still make laugh, that one does...)

holy guacamole, I just snarfed my coffee reading that story

This one is from Dale, who has his blog at DC Gays Of Our Lives which is also listed to the left. It's a blog by a gay couple in DC (OBVIOUSLY) but a lot of thier posts contain things that make laugh, not as a gay man, but as a human being (the grandmother and her wig in the Chinese restuarant in particular had me laughing). Thanks for stopping by, Dale.
***********************************************************
And finally we have this one in response to the boxer shorts in the road post:

oh, so that's where i left them! man, i tell yah, if i'm not making drunken phone calls i'm forgetting about, i'm leaving my underwear halfway across the state. and i swear to god, that girl was 20 yrs younger and had all her teath the night before....ugh. -anonymous drunkard w/ dog

See, Joh-...um, I mean, Anonymous Drunkard W/Dog, Wild Turkey is NOT your friend. Nope. No matter how much Johnny Walker, and Jose Cuervo may tell you its so, it just isn't. Think of your poor undies, for God's sake! Won't someone please think of the undies????

POLT

PS
in case anyone's following the continuing saga....the scanner is still securely in its box.

I don't have to compromise my principles because they don't have the slightest bearing on what happens to me anyway. - Calvin & Hobbes

Desecrate the vows within...

Got this from The Inside Dope :


It seems a good Amurican by the name of Larry Northern decided that what to do was to plow his pick-up over hundreds of crosses and flags representing the fallen soldiers from Iraq which lined the road near where Cindy Sheehan and others are staging their peace vigil.

Wonder why the right wing patriotic flag defenders aren't howling their heads off? They're strangly silent.

Yeah, I wonder why that is? They're the ones that want a Constitutional Admendment against flag burning, right? Oh but I guess it's okay to run the flags over, just not burn them. Or maybe it's okay to desecrate a flag, in any way, so long as you're doing it to support the current administration?

They get all wound up into a lather when someone burns a flag in protest (which by the way is the way you are supposed to dispose of flags), but don't bat an eye when someone plows them over because they were an embarrassment to Bushie?

Buncha hypocrites.

POLT

"His ass gets more compliments than the burgers!" "That's cause his buns are fresh!" - Ted, Queer As Folk

Yes I know, you're going to throw it all away...

So I'm on my way home from work, and in the middle in the road is a pair of boxer shorts, navy blue and white checked, right on the yellow lines. It had rained earlier, so they were a wet mound, not moving in the wind of passing cars. And as I went by, my mind wandered (as my mind is known to do): How did a pair wet boxer shorts get in the middle of PA route 316 just north of the Maryland state line? How exactly does this happen?

Now I know I'm not the most...normal of persons, but really, when I've got boxer shorts with me, they're usually ON me. I thought perhaps thier previous owner was on the way to or from the laundromat, but really, this stretch of road is between two towns, and there'd be no reason to go from one town to the other just to do the wash. And even so, unless you would have a clothes basket full of undergarments strapped to the top of your auto, how could you lose a pair of boxer shorts?

Okay, maybe the clothes basket was in the backseat, and the windows were down (although it was raining a goodly portion of the day, but I digress) and perhaps they were just blown out? But can you imagine the freakish nature of that little windstorm that would just blow the boxer shorts out, and leave the other unmentionables there? Rivals the path of the "Lone Bullet" theory from the Warren Commission.

Maybe someone threw them out on purpose. But why? A kid grabbed them from the clothesbastket next to his carseat? The owner had an...accident in them? There was incriminating...evidence on them? Maybe someone threw them out in a fit of anger? But was the owner, or the owner's other half? And what would they have been angry about?

And, I continued to wonder, how long did it take the owner to notice his undies were missing? And did he wonder about them as much as I was?

When I realized the answer to the last question was, No, probably not, then I was jarred out of my haze, and realized I was damn near home.

I suppose the moral is: Make sure you know where your undies are, so that I'm not distracted while driving home form work.

Yeah, this is kinda what they looked like...cept these aren't wet...and laying in the road, but you get the idea.

POLT

The government of the United States is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion. - George Washington, Treaty of Tripoli, 1796

Neighbor, don't wonder what goes on in my home...

Met the new neighbor yesterday. He moved into the first floor apartment. I kinda know him from around town. He's retired, and pleasant, and active in local Democratic politics (which is always a good thing). SO I doubt we'll have any trouble, like loud parties, or violent fights, or just plain idiocy like we had with prior people that lived there. So it ought to be good.

But I am somewhat disappointed. I saw the cute military guy and his wife that looked at the apartment. And I spoke to the both the cute college aged guys who were looking (only one was filling out the questionnaire, and he was the lesser cute of the two, but still...). And I heard about the mother of the other military guy who was looking at it, and how he son was in his early 20's as well. I even saw the girl in her mid 20s that looked at it. And while she was of no interest to me, girls in thier mid 20's generally have boyfriends in their mid 20s as well. And yet, none of them took it. I guess there would have been more noise and a larger potential for problems with those guys...but despite all that, I would really have preferred to see any one of those in just thier boxer shorts taking laundry to the basement instead of seeing this guy do it.

Its a tradeoff...either i get little noise and no scenery, or good scenery, but possible problems. Tough time deciding that question.....

POLT

For your information, I'm staying like this and everybody else can just get used to it! If people don't like me the way I am, well TOUGH BEANS! It's a free country! I don't need anyone's permission to be the way I want! This is how I am, take it or leave it! - Calvin & Hobbes

When masturbation's lost its fun...

Okay, kids, let me say at the outset, I got this story from Craigslist. It is not, I repeat, NOT about Uncle Polt. Although it IS quite funny! Actually had me laughing out loud. Enjoy.

Let's just say, 'hypothetically', that I decided to flogg my dolphin last night just before retiring for the evening. And let's just say that when I went to pee in the morning, some dried manchowder might have dried up around the opening to my prick, blocking the flow of urine. And let's just say that that blockage, might have caused urine to back up inside my rod for a second or two, creating an unusually fierce spray of piss pressure once said blockage was busted. And let's just say that this high-velocity piss-stream shot off at a 45-degree angle to the left because of said blockage. Let's just imagine that this 45-degree angle cause me to hit the ear of the cat who was perched not too far away, causing said cat to 'flip out,' screech, and perform a 4-legged leap with a half-twist and quarter roll (diffuculty of 6.8). Let's just say there may have been an empty glass resting on the back of the toilet, which may or may not have been tossed off the back of the toilet by said cat in the aforementioned jump. That glass, we might say, falls really close to my foot, lodging a small shard of glass into my left foot. This lodging of glass shard may have caused me to immediately grab said left foot, creating a situation of hopping on one leg (while still relieving myself, mind you) on a tile surface which is becoming increasingly wetter by the second. Let's just say that it only takes a few hops on one foot on a slippery surface to end a physical event of such fashion. AND LET'S JUST SAY that once my foot was taken out from underneath me, that I crashed into the shower door, knocking it off its tracks and causing me to fall in the shower and somehow ending in a back down, face up position, legs elevated, with blood running down my leg, pee streaming down my body to my neck, and a new head-welt with massive headache to boot.

Let this be a lesson to you, next time you feel like rubbing your pole.

Hehehehhehe, I just re-read it...still makes me laugh!

POLT

Don't screw with me, Bob! I bit a nun's ear off! - Pickles, The Oblongs

I'm one, I'm two, I'm three, I'm four, I'm 500 miles...

Well, kids, thanks to all of you, Polt's Palace has had it's 500th visitor (not including the spammers). Thanks to all of you. It's only been like 2 months and I've had 500 visitors already...just boggles my mind. Guess I must be doing something right! And I'll try to continue to make your visits worthwhile for all of you! Thanks again!

POLT

C'mon, chicken fingers and pornography!!! You coming??? - Morph, Exiles # 16

Spam, again and again and again...

Chris commented the following:

and here all this time I thought that spam only came through email...

Yes, it seems that Uncle Polt's blog has been spammed. I read about this in other blogs, but never thought it would reach the palace. SO far, I've only gotten three of them, so I consider myself lucky. One blog got 25 in the span of an hour before the owner caught it. So rest assured Uncle Polt is trying to keep a handle on this.

POLT

The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals and 362 to heterosexuals. This doesn't mean God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision. - Lynn Larner

Bazoooka in the tooth he's flashing...

My tooth hurts...AGAIN! God, I hate this. It's like a dull throb constant pain. Ugh! It was like this for about 4 days last month, it started just as suddenly as it ended, I can't think of anything that would have caused it, and the same right now. Monday, everything's cool, Tuesday morning at work, it's sensative and throbbing. Argh! I was gonna try to just wait it out, see if it gets better on its own again, but honestly, this constant throbbing, I think I'd just rather the tooth be gone if that's what needs to be done! I hate it. Might call tomorrow and try to get an appointment. God, I am SUCH a wuss baby when it comes to tooth pain. I hate it!

POLT

Anybody can have sex. Romance is much harder. - David Duchovny

Run like a villain, let the good times roll...

MSN had a listing of the top TV Bad Guys (and Gals) [hey, I got to do SOMETHING at work, don't I?] I found it interesting, so here ya go:

J.R. Ewing, "Dallas"(CBS, 1978-1991). Larry Hagman's cunning portrayal of "Dallas's" scheming tycoon launched a thousand great bad guys, including Tony Soprano and Vic Mackey on "The Shield." Over his conniving, cheating, lying core, J.R. spread a glistening patina of Texas crude that made him irresistible, but no less deadly (Cliff Barnes, R.I.P.). Who didn't want to shoot him, darlin'?

Leland Palmer, "Twin Peaks"(ABC, 1990-1991). Yes, there were loads of creepy people on David Lynch's skin-crawling series -- whacked-out Leo,double-crossing Benjamin Horne, icy Catherine Martell -- butLaura Palmer's avuncular-seeming dad was by far the scariest. He killed his daughter (which viewers were spared) andthen he killed her look-alike cousin, Maddie (which we weren't... shudder), and then his "spirit" appeared to live on in all the evildoings around town, including the mysterious BOB. Diane, the food is damn good -- but the villains, even better.

Mr. Burns, "The Simpsons"(Fox, 1989-present) Evil, cold (literally), calculating -- with (yellow) feet of clay. As an animated baddie, he owes a debt to Boris Badenov of "The Bullwinkle Show" (nefarious plans undone by own hubris) and Snidely Whiplash of "Dudley Do-Right" (drumming of fingers replacing twirling of mustache). But Montgomery Burns has his own way with words ("Simpson, I like the cut of your jib!"). Springfield -- not to mention Smithers -- would be lost without him.

Omarosa, "The Apprentice"(NBC, 2004). Does anyone even remember who won "The Apprentice" the season Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth appeared? No wonder; she eclipsed the entire boardroom with her scheming, double-crossing, take-no-prisoners approach. That she was gorgeous and supremely self-confident only added to her allure. Never mind the "Surreal Life" backslide; one day we'll all be working for her. And watching our backs.

Amanda Woodward, "Melrose Place"(Fox, 1992-1999) The minxy love child of J.R. Ewing and "All My Children's" Erica Kane, Heather Locklear's flinty Amanda was the steely backbone of Aaron Spelling's soapy masterpiece. What Amanda wanted, she got: businesses, boyfriends, real estate, other women's husbands. Nobody ever looked so fierce in a power mini-suit.

Bill O'Reilly, "The O'Reilly Factor"(Fox News, 1996-present). If Baretta -- or Travis Bickle -- had his own newscast, this is what it'd be.For the throw-the-baloney-sandwich-at-the-TV-as-you-shriekquotient, you can't beat O'Reilly's show (though Nancy Grace's is a close second). He's a jerk and a proud provocateur; even if you disagree with him, you can hardly turn him off. That's right: Shut Up!

Catwoman, "Batman"(ABC, 1966-1968). Eartha Kitt and Lee Meriwether have their fans, but the Catwoman who earned nine lives for her statuesque, slinky nastiness was the original, Julie Newmar. Honestly, we never really thought the Joker, the Penguin or the Riddler could pull one over on Batman, but who could miss his squirming when Newmar padded in on little cat feet? Halle Berry, eat your heart out.

Eddie Haskell, "Leave It to Beaver"(ABC, 1957-1963). What saved this wholesome sitcom from a saccharine aftertaste was the unctuous, two-faced Eddie Haskell, whose very name has come to mean "insincere brownnoser" ("Why, good evening, Mr. and Mrs. Cleaver... "). Weren't we all just a little disappointed when the actor who played him, Ken Osmond, ended up becoming an L.A. cop and doing something meaningful with his life?

Maj. Frank Burns, "M*A*S*H"(CBS, 1972-1983; Burns 1972-1977). Larry Linville played the hypocritical, obsequious Burns to perfection as the foil of Capt. Hawkeye Pierce and gang. Burns' blowhard character took potshots as a stand-in for the Nixon administration as well as a military whose goals in Vietnam seemed murky at best. Typical exchange: Burns: "Why does everyone take an instant dislike to me?" Trapper John: "It saves time, Frank."

Soup Nazi, "Seinfeld"(NBC, 1990-1998). OK, I actually ate the real guy's soup in New York. He was horrible! And mean! (Good soup, though.) What, you thought Newman was a better bad guy? No soup for you!

I agree all these are pretty bad. The worst, though, is the only real one on there, the one not playing a role, O'Reilly. Course, then, his "newscasting" is a lot like acting: spouting lines of fiction written by someone else solely for "entertainment", not informational, value.

POLT

You know, you look like an infection I once had. - Terry, Kiss Me, Guido

Our dating days are over and done...

Found these last week online, forgot I had them. Don't recall where I got them either. They're some dating tips. I laughed at some...

#1 Do not take home drunk bitches from parties. Inevitably they will shoot you in the gut with your own gun, kidnap your dog and steal your car, although not necessarily in that order.

#2 There is a certain age range that one should observe. For instance if you are over 25, a 20 year old is probably not your best choice, you may want to go with someone closer to your age. This rule is only applicable to women, cos men will date anything with 2 breasts and a giggle, age is not important to the cock.

#3 Buying gifts that can die isn't your best bet. Living animals and cut flowers being the biggest offenders in this group, with houseplants running a close second, are just a bad bad bad idea. Don't follow Nike's advice, just don't do it.

#4 Dating outside your intellect is like playing with fire, sometimes you get burned and sometimes it's just 'Ooo pretty.'

#5 Never trust someone who just wants to 'share' a bed. They will break your heart in a million ways and not even realize it.

#6 Girls, if he dresses better than you, smells better than you, and dances better than you, he's probably not interested in you.

#7 Chicks are like cow patties: the older they get the easier they are to pick up.

#8 There's a fine line between falling for someone and stalker. Know where the line is, and don't cross it. Cooking a pet in a pot of boiling is a dead giveaway you've crossed it.

#9 Unless you look like Brad Pitt, being spitting, slurring, glazed eyed drunk is really not all that impressive to prospective dates.

#10 Your mom's basement is really not a romantic place for a hook up. Even a room at the Motel 6 has it's charms.

They really all seemed self evident to me, but hey, maybe somebody needs to know this.

POLT

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for I am the meanest mutha there!

So speak your mind, my dear, your loves and fears...

Got my cellphone bill today. It was 70 dollars. I should start by saying I normally pay 40 buck a month. But it's a helluva lot better than the $159 bill I had last month. Checking the bill, i saw there was a $7.51 late fee. On no, no was THAT was gonna stand. It was due Aug 8, I put it in the mail Aug 2, and I am NOT responsible for the Post Office, and that's what I told a sweet voiced young man named Jason who took my call at Sprint. I was expecting the runaround, but he took it off right away, and was quite polite about it all. Good job, Jason.

I bring this all up to point out that I went 27 minutes over my 300 minute limit (have to be even more vigilant about that) and the rest was text messages (guess I can cut back on those too). But the point is, I get evenings and weekends free, and during those times, last month, I talked for 1,398 minutes...damn near 1400 minutes!!! Thats like...(God, I hate math)...23 hours and some odd minutes....in a MONTH! Damn near a day's worth spent talking on the phone in the evenings and weekends!!! wow!

Well, I guess that's what happens when you know cuties in New York. *blush*

POLT

When life gets you down, consider the benefits of unconsciousness.

Welcome to the Sixties...

Just finished the book 1968, by Mark Kurlansky. It's a very well researched, well written book. But despite that, it's not terribly interesting. It took me almost two months to get through the book (which only has less than 400 pages. I can normally get through a book like that in two or three weeks). I though it would talk a lot about the USA during 1968, and it indeed does talk about it, but he also spends a lot of time on Poland, Czechoslovakia, Mexico, France, Cuba, etc, etc. And he goes all the way back to the birth of the major figures of the time: Castro, Dubcek, some of the student movement people in Poland, and the USA. That stuff, while very well researched, was kinda boring to me.

Overall, it was a good, informative book...but it wasn't an easy read, because I kept losing interest.

POLT

Well for Christ's sake, the woman clung to your tap shoes while she was flung through the air like a lawn dart! - Loretta, Drop Dead Gorgeous

Just relax, get ready for the Penguin...

Was talking with mom this afternoon, and noticed the movie "March of the Penguins" was still playing locally. I didn't really have that great of an urge to see it, but I know Mama Shockey LOVES penguins, so I mentioned going to see it, and she jumped at the chance. So we went to see it.

She surprised herself by being able to get for a senior's price, since she is not a senior. So we got into a theater, a smaller one in the building, and there's no one there, but it's very dark, really dark. They only had minimal lights on, and I had trouble seeing as well, although I could see better than she. She stopped almost right inside the doors and said, "Boy, it sure is dark." I waited a few seconds and then saw she wasn't going to move, so I went around her and told her to come on this way. I walked us down the center aisle, me a few steps in front of her. I then said, "Here." and went into a row, four seats over and stood there. She was still in the aisle, turned around, at the end of therow in front, and said, "Wait, where are you?" I said, "Here." and she says, "Where I can't see you." And so I waved my arms up and down and she started laughing, "Oh, I can see movement...but I can't see you."

Bearing in mind my size and weight, and the fact we were barely ten feet apart that should give you an indication of the darkness, and her eyes.

She came into the row, and i sat down. She walked a bit over and then damn near fell over the seat she was trying to sit in. That started her laughing and giggling, and that started me laughing. I'm glad no one else was there to see it. So she sat down, and then, attempting to put her purse in the seat beside her, she dropped it on the floor, while the seat was still up. This started her laughing again, and she asked why she was having so much trouble. I could only answer that her senior irises apparently don't react as quickly as they used to. Adn we both laughed again.

I dont recall the last time I went to the movies with my mother. I know we saw Fahrenheit 9/11 last year, but before that, I have no idea. Anyway, I don't know if she did it before or not, but at this movie, my mother was one of those....*gasp*...movie talkers! yep, she talked about the movie, and TO it, DURING the movie. And not in a quiet funeral/wedding tone of voice. I'm just real glad no body was sitting particularly close to us. I hate it when people do that. And so I tried to ignore her so she'd get the idea, but apparently with being a senior not only comes loss of iris control, but a loss in the ability to pick up hints. But as the movie went along, she gradually did cut back on it. Thankfully there weren't that many people there.

The movie itself? Oh it was alright. had it been a one hour special on the National Geographic channel, or PBS, or Discovery, or the Nature Channel, it would have been very interesting. but at 1 hour and 15 minutes....it drug on. Good, but long.

POLT

The two parties have morphed into on party with two heads, wearing different make-up. - Ralph Nader

Wake me when September ends....

This is a line from a Green Day song. The reason I mention that is thus: I was flipping around through the channels as I'm known to do, and I came upon MTV who, much tomy surprise, was actually showing a video! Who knew MTV still showed videos? At any rate, it ended, and a new one started. I was still in shock from seeing videos on MTV so I stayed with it. It was the Green Day song I mentioned. It starts out with two teens in a field, one played by the kid from Billy Elliott (great movie, by the way) and it really is a mini movie. It's a beautiful video. I loved it. The entire album, by the way, is quite good also. Indeed, SPIN listed it as the best album of 2004, i believe. And it's one the best (and only) albums to come out recently about social commentary. I guess that's why its not a huge commercial success, the American people are stupid and would rather listen to gangsta slappin up ho's, and boy bands singing about eternal love for you, girl, and busty, bubble headed fake boobed bimbo lip sync to whatever rather than listen to social commentary. The American public is a bunch of American Idiots...the 2004 presidential electio is evidence of that.

At any rate, if anyone gets the chance to see the video, check it out.
POLT

This is utterly fecal. - Death, The High Cost Of Living

4th week

Monday's Hot Shirtless Guy Photo

See, Johnnie, its not the least bit pornographic (although, the pierced nippled does add to the eroticism). You worry too much.

POLT

There are two kinds of people in the world: my kind of people and assholes. - Mink Stole