Last night, I revisited an old haunt of mine Deer Park Lodge , the area's only local gay bar. I went with Ag, a veteran of Deer Park herself. ALso accompanying us were Jen (a great little petite thing who was there once before) and Adam and Chris, two guys who work with Ag. The reason we all went is because it was a drag show. Apparently these shows are held like every Friday or so. And of the 5 of us, I was the only one of the homosexual persuasion. Yes, Ag, Jen, Adam and Chris are all str8. The best part was, Adam and Chris had never been to a drag show OR a gay bar before. When Ag told me this, I knew I'd be going too: 2 str8 guys, virgins to both drag queens and gay bars...Oh the fun and wacky hijinks that I knew would ensue!
So, as per plan, Ag, Adam, Chris and I went to eat at this little Italian place, Jen joined us there. While the four of us were sitting around the table waiting for her, it was rather....awkward. No one was really saying anything, I didn't really know what to say, as I've never met either of the boys before, but I kinda thought since the three of them worked together, they'dbe chattering away. Things improved once Jen arrived...and the alcohol started to lubricate the vocal cords.
We got to Deer Park just a tad before 900, and the show wasn't scheduled to start until 1000 (but of course, since we were dealing with drag queens, there was no way it was gonna start on time...and it didn't. It began about 1030). SO we all started drinking, and talking, and laughing. And...well so much shit happened, I dont even know if I remember it all...or where to begin...
There was the boys making fun of Jen's Foofoo drink (a Cosmo). But eventually, Adam first and then Chris both ordered Apple martinis and that's all they drank the rest of the night. There was their acting gay and pretending to be a couple fighting. Now, honestly, having str8 guys act gay can be quite insulting and offensive, but it wasn't with these guys. They werew just having fun, not stereotyping. We were all having a blast.
And then the show started. And the show itself wasn't the best I've ever seen, but it was in no way bad. But it was so entertaining cause the boys were there. For the first few performers, all we heard from them was, almost in unison, "No...fucking...WAY!" At first, they didn't hodl any dollars out to the queens, cause they were probably scared, but by the end of the show, Chris had been hugged by one, and Adam got a cheek kiss from another, and they had given away several dollars. And they're kinda dancing to the music the performers are performing too, and singing a bit and stuff, and man, it was just so funny!
And one of the performers was Raquel Chevallier, Miss Gay America 2005. That means the winners of all the pagents in all the country were whittled down until only she was left. She's the best drag queen in America...and she's here in little Deer Park Lodge! ANd she really looked good. And Chris, probably because of all the apple martinis, was seriously obsessing over her. He wanted her (!). ANd he insisted on a photo with her, which I managed to get right as we were ready to leave. And he was obsessing about a copy of it, and how hot she was, saying "DAH-HUM!!! She was HOT!" over and over and overagain. And the humor of a straight boy, firefighter, tough guy type drooling and practically wetting his pants over a man in a dress was not lost on me.
After the show, they cleared the floor and opened it to dancing. And all 5 of us danced, in various combinations:Adam and Ag; Adam, Ag and Chris; Jen and Polt; Polt, Ag, Adam; Jen and Chris; Jen, Chris and Polt; Polt and Chris; Polt, Chris, and Ag; Adam, Ag, Chris, Jen and Polt; the variations were practically endless. The best parts for me(for humor value, if not for the unintended eroticness of it) was when Chris was grinding his ass back into Jen, and I said to him, "Hey, it's not gonna work that way." And he just grabbed me and pulled me into him, crotch to crotch, all three of us grinding away. After a few seconds of enjoying the action, i said to him, "When this evening started, did you ever think you'd end up dancing with a gay man?" He replied, "I had my suspiscions!" And then a bit later, when Chris and Jen were crotch to crotch, Chris again yanked me in and there was a threeway full frontal grinding going on. Ag and I feared we might be subjected to the dreaded "Straight White Boy Dance", which is amusing to watch, unless you're with said Straight White Boy, and then it's just kind of embarrassing. And Chris had this somewhat unique dance style that can only be described as bend-at-your-waist-and-have-a-standing-seizure kind of thing. But it was quite entertaining to watch. in fact, the whole thing, the whole night, well, it was all just too much.
on the way home, Chris kept ranting about Raquel, and all that he'd do to her. And Chris and Adam both agreed that was the most fun they had had in a while. And they agreed they were never going to go to any bar BUT Deer Park, and they'd never drink anything BUT apple martinis' from now on, and they'd NEVER judge anyone again.
Also on the way home, Chris seemed to be having some issues of self image...
"I've got that rainbow ballsac I crocheted myself...does that make me gay?"
"I knew most of the songs they were playing...does that make me gay?"
"We had to go to a gay bar to finally truly fit in...does that make me gay?"
"I wanna screw a woman with a penis...does that make me gay?"
"The guy behind the bar called me honey...does that make me gay?"
And then he said, "God, I'm gayer than most gay men!" which caused the following exchange:
Polt: Excuse me? ExCUSE me! YOU are gayer than most gay men?
Chris: Yep...
Polt: And how many cocks have you had in your mouth in the last month?
Chris: ...um, none.
Polt: I've had 4!
Adam: Oooooooooo!
Chris: Well, I guess I better get working on that.
Polt (fiddling with his zipper): You want me to help you with that?
Adam: Oooooooooo!
Chris: I'm only interested if it's 13+ inches.
Polt: It is...but that's only before it gets hard.
Adam AND Chris: Ooooooooooooo!
And so, suitably chastized and put in his place, Chris gave in to the reality that he was indeed NOT gayer than most gay men. Hell, he aint even gayer than Uncle Polt.
So I've attempted to cover most of the night, but I'm sure I've missed some things. And if this isn't enough...well, I DO have the incriminating photos....
Above we have Adam and Chris early in the evening, looking somewhat nervous and pensive. That would change.
Here's the gang (minus Uncle Polt): Jen, Adam, Chris and Ag, still relatively sober and not yet totally acclimated. That too would change.
Adam and his first (but not last) FooFoo drink: apple martini
Chris, ever the trailblazer, always forging his own way, always original, and his FooFoo drink: apple martini. How original.
Miss Raquel Chevallier, performing, far away.
Miss Raquel Chavallier, performing, closer.
All the gang in a group grind. Is this legal in the tri-state area? Note the goofy dance face.
Chris and Jen...not being straight myself, I'm not certain, but I don't think that's the way straight sex works?
This is some unknown really freaking hott guy that was there standing by himself. I wish I could say I took this myself, but no, Uncle Polt doesn't have that kinda nerve. SO I sent Jen over. She's small, cute, petite, and all the queers love her. I knew he couldn't turn her down. And he didn't. BUt depite the obviously hottness oozing from his pores, he had major MAJOR attitude. Really a turn off, that was.
Ag and Adam cutting a rug, tearing up the dance floor, shakin a leg, etc, etc, etc.
I'm damn sure THIS ain't legal in the tri-state area. Notice the goofy dancing faces on Uncle Polt and Jen. And notice Chris' convenient head turn.
Ag and Adam again, grinding this time. Note the goofy dance face again. Is it the grinding that causes these faces?
Yet another really fricking hott guy. The picture may not reflect it, but Jen and I both agreed this guy wsa much MUCH hotter than most everyone else in the bar. I wanted to get a photo of the guy in the back with the Superman tee shirt, not only cause it's a Superman tee shirt (hello?), but he was pretty cute too, but that never happened. ANd yes, I was too chicken shit to get this myself. Jen, God bless her, got it for me.
Ag mackin on Adam, rockin the lip action. For God's sake, get a room.
Chris and the new love of his life (or at least the new star of his masturbatory fantasies) Raquel. And yes, gentlemen, that IS a guy underneath it all.
Adam, in a display of his own originality, wanted a photowith her as well. And I reiterate, gentlemen, that is indeed a man beneath the makeup. Incredible aint it?
This ia Chris and Ag outside, post show, while Chris is still howling like a dog bitch in heat over Raquel. To quote him, "DAH-HUM! God DAH-HUM! She's HOT!"
As we said on the way up to the show, "What happens in Deer Park, stays in Deer Park." So keep all this under your hats...if you can.
POLT
"Bats, you're starting to scare me." "I scare lots of people." - Batman, Savage Time
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