Ffacts and figures, filling out forms, reading circulars...

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, God asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.
Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept competely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to your comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about your deity?
___Newspaper
___Torah
___Book Of Morman
___Divine Inspiration
___Near Death Experience
___Near Life Experience
___Mail Order
___Bible
___Television
___Elvis and the aliens told me all about him
___My Mama Done Tol' Me
___Dead Sea Scrolls
___Tabloid
___Burning Shrubbery
___Other (specify):_________________

2. Which Model deity did you acquire?
___Yahweh
___Jehovah
___Krishna
___Allah
___Satan
___Ra
___Father, Son, & Holy Ghost (The Trinity Pak)
___Jesus
___Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pak)
___Odin and entourage (Valhallah Pak)
___Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___The Burning Shrubbery
___Other (Specify):____________________

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
___ Yes ___No

3a. If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
Please indicate all that apply.
___Not eternal
___Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos
___Not capable of being all things to all creations
___Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera/Michael Jackson)
___Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
___Requires burnt offerings
___Pretty inflexible when it comes to sins and stuff
___Prohibits cigaretts, caffeine and designer drugs
___Hasn't answered the whole pesky evolution thing yet
___Does not smite those deserving of being smited
___A month of fasting is several weeks too long
___Not omniscient
___Not omnipotent
___Permits sex outside of marriage
___Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___When beseeched, does not stay beseeched
___Requires virgin sacrifices
___Requires me to be a virgin
___Requires me to get up early on my day off
___10 Commandments are about 5 too many
___Getting down to pray is hard on the knees
___Requires burnt shrubberies
___All this "blood of the lamb" and cruxifiction stuff makes me queasy
___Makes earthly leaders wear funny hats (the Pope, Ayatollah Khomeni, etc.)
___Ronald Reagan, lives forever. Princess Di, dead in her 30's. What up with THAT?

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity?
Please check all that apply:
___Indoctrinated by parents
___Indoctrinated by society
___Indoctrinated by wild eyed drug using hippies
___Indoctrinated by wild eyed Volvo driving Yuppies
___imaginery friend grew up
___Hate to think for myself
___Fear of death
___Desperate need for certainty
___Desperate need for conformity
___Thought Jerry Falwell was pretty cool
___Needed a reason to live
___Needed to focus on whom to despise
___Needed a day away from work
___Needed to feel Morally Superior
___Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
___Wanted to meet girls/boys/or both
___Wanted to piss off parents
___Like organ music
___Shit was falling out of the sky
___My shrubbery caught fire and a loud voice commanded me to do it

5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by?
Please check all that apply:
___Mick Jagger
___Baal
___Bill Gates
___Beelzebub
___Barney, the purple dinosaur
___The Great Spirit
___The Great Pumpkin
___The Great Wall Of China
___Cindy Crawford
___Cthulu
___The Almighty Dollar
___Left Wing Liberalism
___the Radical Right
___The Christian Coalition
___The ACLU
___The Sun
___The Moon
___Elvis
___A burning Shrubbery
___Other (Specify):____________________

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition ot God?
Please check all that apply:
___Tarot
___Astrology
___Television
___Ann Landers
___Psychic Friends Network
___Palmisty
___Self help books
___Biorhythms
___Suze Orman
___EST
___ESP
___Jimmy Swaggert
___Crystals (Not including Crystal Gayle)
___Wandering around a desert
___Wandering around a shopping mall
___Contact with aliens
___Lottery
___Runes
___Fortune tellers
___Fortune Cookies
___Dianetics
___Playboy and /or Playgirl
___Sex, drugs, and rock N roll
___Alcohol
___Tea Leaves
___The Internet
___Mantras
___Human sacrifice
___Pyramids
___Insurance policies
___Barney, the purple dinosaur
___Teletubbies
___Burning shrucceries
___None
___Other (Specify):____________________

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one):
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current Level of Divine Intervention
d. Divine Intervention by burning shrubbery only
e. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of miracles and disasters. Please rate on a scale of 1-5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent)
A. Miracles
12345 - Rescues
12345 - Stars hovering over jerkwater towns
12345 - Crying statues
12345 - VCR's that set their own clocks
12345 - Osama bin Laden still alive
12345 - Richard Nixon still dead
12345 - Sex in ANY way, shape or form
12345 - Chocolate covered caramels
12345 - Never hearing the words "President Palin"
12345 - Britany Spears' boobjob
12345 - The 1980 American Olympic Hockey team
12345 - Spontaneous remissions
12345 - Noctural emissions
12345 - Water changing to wine
12345 - Walking on Water
12345 - Velcro
12345 - Self adhesive postage stamps
12345 - Air conditioning
12345 - Zac Efron in Speedos
12345 - Jessica Alba in spandex
12345 - Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?
12345 - Stigmata
12345 - Burning shrubberies

B. Disasters
12345 - Floods
12345 - Earthquake
12345 - Famine
12345 - Republican Presidential Administrations
12345 - AOL
12345 - Daytime Television
12345 - "managed care"
12345 - Cauliflower and brussel sprouts
12345 - Sarah Palin
12345 - Britney Spears life
12345 - The Washington Redskins
12345 - War
12345 - Plague
12345 - Pestilence
12345 - SPAM
12345 - Your current employer
12345 - Teletubbies
12345 - Vista Windows
12345 - Overwight men in Speedos
12345 - Overweight women in Spandex
12345 - Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire?
12345 - Astigmatism
12345 - Rampaging wildfires started by burning shrubberies

9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary).

If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of Our conveniently located drop-off boxes by Jan. 31, you will be entered in The One Free Miracle Of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power, depending on the number of beings entered.)

Thank you,
Daryl
Clerk of the Supreme Being of The Apocalypse

POLT Listening to "A Little Respect" by Erasure

I could talk to you about your testicles all day, Ianto, but I imagine you have something even more important to tell us. - Captain Jack Harkness, Torchwood: Another Life