The grabbing hands grab all they can...

Testicular Tuesdays With Johnnie (comments inserted when appropriate by Polt)

Last Thursday I headed off to the bar with my dog Montana and four lovely ladies that are in the same grad program as I am. I'm always a fan of going to the bar with several beautiful women all to myself, so I was in a rather relaxed mood. Three of the girls were good friends but the fourth I barely knew and was interested in getting to know a little better. We were hitting it off quite well with a bit of flirting going back and forth until at one point when we're playing pool this guy goes over and talks to her for a few minutes. I recognized this kind of guy right away: blond fratboy, the kind Polt oogles over and the kind I find extremely annoying (just cause I'm ogling them doesn't mean I don't find them annoying as well.). At this point I figured she probably found him more interesting, but to my surprise she walks over to me and whispers to me "Please save me from that guy, he won't leave me alone." So I suggested I pretend to be her boyfriend for the evening and she thought that was a great idea (woohoo).

Later another one of the girls came over laughing, telling us the line this guy used: "Hey, I don't know if you noticed or not, but I'm really hot." So I got to hang out with my pretend girlfriend for the evening, with my arm around her and everything (just for show, of course :)). I figured this would be a very relaxing, smooth evening, but this guy keeps hitting on her and I keep having to go save her. At one point she went up to the bar to buy a round for all of us. While she was waiting for the bartender to make her shots he smoozed right over next to her and started talking to her again. I caught the "come save me" look and ran right over like a good hero.I said to her "Hey, honey, do you need help carrying those back to the table?"She said "Yes, please!" and mumbled "don't leave."So I put my arm between the two of them and grabbed the beer she had bought for me, leaving in there and chatting with her. At this point creepy guy started mumbling threats in my ear and I can feel the evening taking a turn for the worst.

So we head back to the table and give the girls their shots. I sat down facing the pool table and my pretend girlfriend sat down beside me. Pretty soon creepy guy sat down on her other side just being quiet and looking creepy (though Polt would say looking hot or something) (there is, sometimes, a fine line between hot looking and creepy...not that that's ever really been an issue for me) while we chatted away. After a few minutes of this she leans over and says to me through clenched teeth "He's touching my ass, what should I do?" So I told her to get up and move to the table and I moved over with her as we put our backs to creepy guy. I looked over when she stood up and he had HIS WHOLE HAND underneath where she was sitting just grabbing her ass, like the biggest ass in the world.

So she sent a pretty clear signal, right? Creepy guy gets the hint and leaves, any sane person would think. But oh no, he stood up and walked over to the table and put himself between where pretend girlfriend and I were sitting. We all ignored him and continued our conversation until he started muttering threats to me again. I started imagining him throwing a sucker punch and then getting eaten by my 90lb dog, which would be ok until they take my dog away for attacking a quasi-human. So I thought I'd make it real clear that my dog wouldn't just sit there and called him over. Frat-boy-from-hell then proceeded to say "So you want to get your dog beat down too?"

So now it's on. Testosterone has gone beyond control and it's testicles against testicles. (ooooooohhh, shudder, shudder....now THAT is an image worth imagining) The guy clearly isn't backing down and I'm going to have to defend this poor girl's right not to get her ass grabbed by weirdos. At this point the meek girl from Minnesota looked up at him and said "None of us are interested" and the other girls looked up at him and nodded and said "Nope, sorry."

He walked away, problem solved. He didn't say a word to us for the rest of the night. I realized then as I have before, balls are not the source of power, vaginas are. Man, that was so easy, I wish I had that kind of power. If I would have said that it would have been just silly. (I kinda think if YOU had said none of you were interested, it would not only have been silly, but would have egged him on, as he would have thought then you were gay and not her boyfriend. Leave the gay proclamations for those of us that know what we're doing.)

POLT = listening to "Yellow" by Coldplay

And when you say its gonna happen soon, well, when exactly do you mean? See, I've already waited too long, and all my hope is gone. - The Smiths, "How Soon Is Now?"