My Christmas gift list for others:
My Boss:A big retirement party (well, one can hope)
Michael Brown, ex-FEMA director: Week's vacation on an deserted island, with no food, water, ice or air conditioning, in 90 degree heat and equal humidity.
George W. Bush: a book on public speaking...and probably someone to read it to him and explain all the big words.
CEO's Of the Big Oil Companies: A car that runs on water, so they can no longer monetarily rape the consumers at the gas pump on thier whim.
Dick Cheney: All the bacon, salt and butter he can eat, cause that next big heart attack might be further off then we need it to be.
Ann Coulter: permanent, incurable writers block.
Tom Cruise: a nice villa along the French Riveria where he can retire to, ala Greta Garbo, and stay out of the public eye, thus not embarrassing himself anymore.
DC Comics: Continuation of the outstanding comics they're putting out now, and a continuation of the ass kicking they're giving to Marvel Comics.
FOX NEWS network:A subscription to the Washington Post, so they can learn the true meaning of "Fair and Balanced" news coverage.
Indianapolis Colts: The Lombardo Trophy...although they're well on thier way to getting it anyway.
Michael Jackson: Citizenship in the United Arab Emirates, so he leaves our kids alone.
Johnnie: Lots and lots of life experiences having something to do with balls, so I can get regular Testicular Tuesday columns.
Kansas, the state of: A Bible, a science textbook, and the ability to tell the difference.
Rush Limbaugh: Permanent, incurable larengitis.
MTV: Videos. Do they even remember what that word means?
Nick Lahey: my address, since Jessica kicked him out, he needs somewhere to lay his head, and if my couch is too lumpy, my lap is available.
The Opposition to gay marriage: a copy of the Declaration of Independence, where it says all men are created equal, and a copy of the Constitution, wherein the 14th Amendment says all citizens born or naturalized shall have the rights enumerated within, regardless of whomever they may love.
Bill O'Reilly: Permanent, incurable retirement.
Professional athletes: A paycheck commenserate with thier contributions to society as a whole, which should give them a rality check and stop them from acting like spoiled brats and cry babies. And a realization that they're PLAYING a game, and not really WORKING!
Residents of New Orleans: a city to return to.
Arnold Schwartznegger: Three more Terminator sequels, so he gets out of Sacremento, and back to Hollywood, making crappy movies, where he belongs.
Britney Spears: more pregnancies, cause while she's knocked up, I don't have to worry about her making any more harpy screech albums.
Superman: A movie worthy of your legacy, legend, and name.
Toronto, Canada: Me. There. As often as possible. Possibly living there full time. Please send money, donations graciously accepted!
United States military personnel in Iraq: A plane ticket home, so you don't get killed for Bushie's oil buddies.
United States Senate: About 10 more Democratic Senators, so it can get back to representing the people and not be the plaything of the Republican party.
United States Supreme Court: An appointed member that's the reincarnation of Harry Blackmun, Thurgood Marshall or Warren Burger, God knows we need them now
The West Wing: Either the writers from the first couple seasons, or a dignified finale.
All my readers: The Happiest Holiday you can possibly have!
POLT = listening to "Mad World" by Tears For Fears
Damn computer! It ate everything! Big, fat, smug, damn, stupid crappy piece of crappy crap! - Jake, Daria
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment