Like a Friday fashion show teenager....

Ya know, when I was going through it, I thought I had a rough childhood. I was fat, didn't have any REAL friends, was gay (even though I thought it was only a phase) so I wasn't interested in girls when all the other guys were, and that made me feel even more freakish. I was not at all good at sports and that made me feel even more like a freak. In high school, I never was one to go to a party, or if I did, I never got stinking drunk, or if I did, I never tried to get into a girls pants. And that made me feel even more like a freak. And I couldn't talk to anyone about it. My dad was moronic and we never got along. My mom and I did, but I was too close to her, a mama's boy in my eyes, and that made me even more of a freka. And my life just sucked, and no one ever in history had ever had as shitty a growing up as I did.

God, what melodrama. Butcha know, as I've grown older, I've seen what a damn good life i had. My parents still married even now. They never hit me (oh spanking, sure, but I mean abuse), they weren't alcoholics, they didn't fool around on each other ( to my knowledge), they did scream and yell and pound on each other, they didn't spend the money on drink or drugs or loose women. We didn't live in luxury, but there wasn't much I ever really wanted for. Sure I didn't get cable tv or a/c or a VCR when the other kids had them, but I got them eventually. And I always knew i was loved, even though dad never told me until i was 16. Mom told me all the time.

I was depressed, as any teenage gets, but I wasn't homicidal or suicidal. I was reading online they released some of the diaries of the two Columbine shooters. Granted, they probably weren't your average teenager. But nonetheless, the low self esteem, the self hatred, the outrage at others, the absolute lonliness...I just never experienced any of that to that degree.

I have, in the past, written some poetry when I was depressed. But man, some of this other stuff that I've been reading in others blogs, adolescent writers, there is such ostracism, and again, lonliness. And worst of all, no hope of a change. I can't imagine feeling THAT down. How horrible it must be.

I think back and I didn't have very many close friends at that point, but i had a large circle of friends, acquaintces perhaps. It's funny, it's the opposite now. Now i have a few really deep friendships, and many many...shall we say shallow ones. Nonetheless, back then, if I wanted to go and DO something, anything, there was a rather long list of people I could call to do something with. Granted I wasn't in THE popular cliche, BUT I knew most of the kids in that cliche and could, when necessary, blend in easily with them. I coudl fit into nearly every cliche in high school except for the potheads and the Future Farmers Of America crowd.

Anyway, I'm not real sure what the point of this post is, beyond the fact that I've been thinking about some of the stuff I'm reading. And I see now, in retrospect, despite being fat, gay, and socailly a bit awkward, I still had a pretty damn good and easy time growing up.

POLT = listening to "Uh La La La" by Alexis

I was rasied to be charming, not sincere. - Into The Woods