The opposite of war isn't peace, it's creation...

FINALLY, we get a factual explanation as to why Bushie was all hellbent on a war with Iraq.

Ahhhh, now it all makes sense...a sick, perverted kind of sense...but sense nonetheless.

POLT = listening to "Gold Digga" by Kanye West

We're gay. We don't have children. We have taste. - Paul Rudnick

Love two times, baby, love me twice today...

Not more than half an hour ago, I had Logo on the TV and Madonna's new video, "Hung Up" came on again. That's twice now that I've seen that video on Logo in the last 5 days...which is exactly two times more than I've seen ANY video on MTV, VH1, or MTV2 in same time period. What do those channels even exist for? Why not take them off the air and give us some channels that actually SHOW videos? What a novel concept, eh?

But the video got me up and dancing. God, I love it so much! It's music like she used to make. yep, ole Uncle Polt was up shaking a tailfeather while the video played. Guess that accounts for the barking of the downstairs neighbor's dog, eh?

POLT = listening to "Someday" by the Strokes

T-t-t-t-t-t-touch me! I want to feel dirty! - Janet, The Rocky Horror Picture Show

Gazing at you with scorpian eyes, Halloween...

So I showed some ideas I had used in the past for Halloween costumes. Those, i thought were pretty good. Now, I've got a few definate Halloween costumes DONT's!

Firstly, if Batman ate too much Trick Or Treat candy, this would be the result. Not good. And it's not even homemade, I mean, this is one that's for sale. It costs way more than it's worth. Course, it IS purple....

It is a social faux paus to show up wearing the same costume as someone else. However, when you're as hot as these guys, who's gonna care? Especially when they Captain America costumes are just a bit too small? And one wonders what they were doing that they got all torn up like this. not to mention the bulge on the right one...
I'd recommend that one not dress up like a fairy...unless one IS a fairy. Then go right ahead. (although they DO wear those little panties rather well, dont they?)
Dorm whores. Is this a costume or a way of life?
This is just SO wrong, on SO many levels........there's nothing more i can say here.
While inventive, and humorous, it's best to avoid West Viriginia while wearing it...others might want to have a turn. And wouldn't your ass get cold?
Ya know, unless one looks like Lynda Carter, it's best to leave the Wonder Woman costumes to the professionals.

Now, go out there tonight and have yourself some fun. Put it on Uncle Polt's tab.

POLT = listening to "Pinch Me" by The Barenaked Ladies

They who can give up liberty for a little temporary security deserve neither liberty nor security. - Benjamin Franklin

MONDAY'S HOT SHIRTLESS GUY PHOTO
POLT = listening to "Ruined In A Day" by New Order

That's the way people are: ignorant or stupid, and there's nothing you can do about it, except educate them...or shoot them - Debbie, Queer As Folk

My lap of luxury, cause I'm a happy dog...

Two words: Lucky and Dog!
POLT = listening to "Hash Pipe" by Weezer

Some people say forgive and forget. I say forget about forgiving and accept it...and get the hell outta town. - Gross Pointe Blank

Middle finger response...

I've gotten a few more comments, and before too much times passes, let's deal with them.

First, we have comment from Katherine about the historical FoxNews photos I posted. She writes:

Possibly you found them here. I found this site through Rocketboom. Anyway, just thought since I'd seen 'em I'd pass the credit along. Best.

Why thank you Katherine. I'll gladly give credit to whomever did them. And I wish they'd do some more, those things were great. Oh, and best to you as well.
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Next we have a comment from Mark, my Fairy Godfather. It's in response to the article about the hot dog eater.

Did you know that it is impossible to drink a gallon of milk within 1 hour and not puke it back up? Too much lactose for a body to process, I'm guessing. One of my new co-workers and a friend of his were bored so they tried it out and sure enough......cheap entertainment. I'm still adjusting to the rural midwest mentality.

I actually did not know that. I had heard of it, but never knew anyone that actually tired it. So, that's what passes for fun out there in Michigan, drinking milk until you puke? Sure is different from Dupont Circle at 1000 pm, eh? I'm not sure I could ever get so drunk as to drink milk until I puked. ...Course, now that I think of it, there's been plenty of times I've drunk beer and such until I puked.....I'm not sure what the difference is (other than the liquid ingested, of course). Should I be mocking myself as I'm mocking the milk drinkers?
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And finally we have another anonymous comment (I wonder if this is from the same previous anonymous, or a brand new anonymous!).

There is this thing called a library, one can borrow books for free....

This is was in responce to my "blogging is free, but books cost money" statement. And Anonymous is right, there ARE libraries. However, if I borrow a book, that means I must return it and I don't get to keep it. And it's not the same if I don't own it, and have it around to show off and/or read later. I know there are those in the populace who don't understand that statement, but true reading afficiandos understand you need to own the book to fully enjoy it.

And besides, I'm not aware of any library that would carry Fratsex: Stories Of Sex In College Fraternities. But if there IS a library out there that carries that, I want to become a member of it! Makes one wonder what the punishment is for an overdue book...

POLT = listening to "I Feel Love" by Donna Summer

Ronald Reagan was always a man with a very loose hold on hte real world around him. - Jack Germond

Trick or treat, the bitter and the sweet....

For a period of time in the mid-90's, I went each year to a Halloween party in Harrisburg PA. This is a ROCKIN party, where the house was filled with costumed partiers. And I pretty much planned each time on getting shit-faced, fall-down-and-pass-out-in-your-puke drunk! not that I enjoyed that part of it, but the getting to that part was just inCREDibly fun. Oh the Host and Hostess: Dave and Sandy, were just a blast! I mean, people came from as far away as Pittsburgh each year just for this party! We played quarters, which is usually what resulted in my drunkness, although a home made concoction Dave called "Witches Brew" that always had dry ice floating in it, MIGHT have had something to do with it as well.

At any rate, except for the first year and last year I went, I always had an award winner costume. And I thought I'd post photos of them from each year here. (and yes, Phoenix, I DID use my scanner for these!)

Firstly we have me going as a vampire. As I said, nothing out of the ordinary, a good costume, but just not spectacular. That would change.
Next year I went as a Jewish grandmother, accent and all...although as the night wore on and I got drunker and drunker, I think the accent went from Jewish grandmother to sloshed sad drag queen.
Next we have the Floor Of A Movie Theater. I thought of this like the Wednesday before the party. Needless to say, it was quite a hectic deal getting everything together and ready to go before Saturday. but I did it. With good results, may I add.
After this I went as an Prison Inmate. The jumpsuit and shirt on my head were borrowed from an actual jail (although, they were thoroughly washed before I wore them). The neck tattoo was temporary. The handcuffs were mine (blush). And the knife you see in my hand was borrowed from a friend's husband who was sick and couldn't go. And somewhere, at some point during the night, I lost that knife. Have no idea where it went.
Then we have the Underwear Drawer. Yes, that IS a bra on my head, that IS a string of condoms at my neck (which i got use later that night, as my boyfriend at the time accompanied me this time), that IS a maxipad stuck to my left shoulder, and that IS a stain on the back of the white boxers on my arm...but it's jsut a chocolate bar, nothing else.
And finally we have, a candle. This was a great idea, that just didn't pan out the way I wanted it to. And the orange headress thing is supposed to be a flame...but I had to explain that to so many people, I don't believe it worked well.
Feel free to make use of any of these ideas, if you need them. And Ihope you enjoy them as well as I did.

POLT = listening to "Abide With Me" sung by Perri Alleyne

Our credit cards are fake and we've been saddled with an unfair existence, so why not splurge? - Morph, The Exiles #11

That fraternity stuff is too much for me...

So I just finished another book recently. It's called "Fratsex: Stories Of Sex In College Fraternities" (not only was the inside of the book good, but check out the hot cover!)
I started it back in May, and it took me so long because...well I could only read small portions of the book at a time...if you catch my drift. *wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more*

I've really cute back on my reading of books this year. I think it's because bloggin takes up my free time that I would have spent reading. Not that I'm complaining or blaming the blog. I mean, blogging is free, and books cost money, and so right there, it's a benefit, ya know?

POLT = listening to "Mickey" by Toni Basil

Now listen! Why is it that everything that's happened tonight has involved things either going in or coming out of my ass? - Cartman, South Park

I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me...

The Washington Redskins lost to the NY Giants today 36-0. Hehehehehe! I HATE the Redskins! And this was the first EVER shut out for a Joe Gibbs coached Redskins team. I LOVE it. HEHEHEHEHEH!!! And to top it off, Dallas beat the Cardinals like 34-13 or so. HEHEHEHE, I just LOVE it! ALso, as an added bonus, I had picked Dallas in the winners pool at work, so I'm still in that. Still among the 6 people in the running for the $250 dollars. We had 50 people playing from the the first week. That money would certainly come in handy! I forget who I took in the loser pool, could have been Buffalo, but hopefully, they'll lose3 tonight too. But if not, hey a Washington loss coupled with a Dallas win ALWAYS makes for a good day!

POLT = listening to the Denver/Philadelphia game on TV

My proof the homosexuality is not a choice? A question for my straight male readers: Is there anything I could do or say or write that would convince you to willingly, happily, eagerly, anxiously, deliriously, lustfully put my dick in your mouth and leave it there until I had an orgam? I rest my case. - Dan Savage, Skipping Towards Gomorrah

Would I lie to you, honey would I lie to you, Part 2...

This is the second part of a two part post. Please read the previous post first!

SO, Connie and Alecia dropped me off in front my house aroudn 200 am I think. I staggered back the walk, and was going to go to the door, when I decided I really had to pee. So there's a deck off to the right that overlooks the neighbor's yard. I just walked over there, leaned against the railing, pulled our little Polt and let loose. It felt great. It was one of those I-havent-pissed-in-a-long-time-but-I've-been-drinking-and-really-REALLY-have-go kinda pees. And it was quite a relief.

So afer peed for what seemed like forever, I put it away, staggered back to the door, and had a bitch of a time getting my key in the keyhole. But I managed to get it open. I walked in (which when I say walk, I mean stumbled over the door eave and damn near fell forward flat on my face) and upon recovering, turned around and shut the door, quietly, cause I didn't want to wake my parents who's room was almost right above where I was.

I stood there and rested my forehead against the door, cause the room was swaying slightly. And it was pitch black. So i turned on the ceiling light, and then turned around.

And sitting on the couch, was mom! In her nightgown and robe, arms crossed across her chest, obviously sitting there for quite some time, and never having made a sound. It's a damn good thing I had emptied my bladder outside, cause I very well could have emptied it right there! I think I might have made a small squeaking noise, not unlike a mouse.

Without changing her facial expression (which i couldn't see very well because my eyes were refusing to focus when i told them to), she asked how the parade was. I told her it was great, and that we had a great time, but I was really tired now. And I faked a yawn. At least I hope it looked like a yawn, God only know what it might have actually looked like. ANd thenI told her goodnight, and went to my room, being very careful to not mkae any clumsy or noisy errors in walking. And I remember as I lay in bed, before going to sleep (also known in some circles as passing out), and as the room rockedd around me, I thought, "Wow, I got away with it!"

...........Man, was I a dumb ass.

The next morning, i'd say, oh about 700 in the morning, my bedroom door flew open with such force it slammed into the wall and rattled the pictures hanging on the wall. And it rattled the teeth in my head too, or so it felt. And my mom said, in an extremely loud, yet not really yelling voice, "GOOD MORNING! TIME TO GET UP!" I'm sure I mumbled some sort of response, but she ignored it and shouted (still not sounding upset, just loud) again, "COME ON! BREAKFAST IS READY! YOU GOT TEN MINUTES TO GET DOWN HERE!" I tried to tell her i wasn't hungry, but oh, no, that wasn't happening. "GET UP AND GET READY AND GET DOWN THERE. TEN MINUTES. OR YOU'RE GROUNDED!"

And then I knew something was up. SO I figured I'd better do as she says, and maybe I can salvage something from all this. SO I went down. I dont know what she had made for breakfast but I knew a piece of toast was all i could handle. Dad was nowhere to be seen.

SO I crunched on the piece of toast a bit. I stared at the table, not wanting to look up. I knew I'd look liek hell warmed over. BUt when I did look up, I saw her just starting at me. I tried to smile, but all she said was, "Where were you last night?"

I got a look of confusion (or what I hoped was confusion. Hell I could have looked anything from constipated to castrated for all i know from the way I felt), and said, "I went to the mummers parade."

Keeping her elbow on the table, she lifted her hand and raised one finger up. "You're grounded for a week. Where were you last night?" She said without any inflection in her calm tone or voice. Like she was reading a recipe out loud or something.

I got all shocked and said louder, "I was at the mummer parade with Andy." She held up a second finger. "you're grounded for two weeks. Where were you last night?"

Okay, okay, she knew I wasn't at the parade. Try a new tactic: "I went to a party with Connie and ALecia."

"were you drinking?"

"Mom! Of course not!" Even I didn't believe me.

The third finger went up. "You're grounded for three weeks. Were you drinking?"

Abort abort! "Yes, there was drinking there and I had some. But not much." After this, we talked about it, she told me she knew I was lying to her almost from the start. And she grounded me three weeks for lying to her each time and another week cause I had been drinking. And then she went throughthe whoel parental Don't Drink Speech, and told me that if i ever got picked up for drinking and sent to jail, not to call her, cause she wouldn't bond me out. She's just make me sit there for being so stupid.

And while I did drink after that while in high school, adn beyond, I never really lied to mom after that about where I was going. It wasn't worth the grounding.

BUt she never was real happy with my drinking. Especially the night i came home, puked, thinking I had it all in the toilet, and did manage to get some IN the toilet, but there was also a lot ont he back of the toilet, the floor aroudn the toilet, the wall next to the toilet, ont he toilet paper holder... yeah it was bad. And then she later went to use it in the middle of the night.

It's bad enough being hung over, but it's even worse when you're hungover and having to clean up all your vomit at 500 in the morning because your mother walking and sat in it. I was gagging while I was cleaning. And had to listen to her screeching beside me like a banshee about what I had done.

SOmetimes, it's best to just stick to Pepsi.

POLT = listening to "Get Busy, Child" by The Crystal Method

Love is a dunghill, Betty, and I am but a cock climbing atop it to crow. - Cunningham, Rob Roy

Would I lie to you, honey would I lie to you...

The Saturday before Halloween, a town near mine, Hagerstown, MD, has the Alsatia Mummers Parade (I hope I spelled that right). They've been doing it for over 100 years, I think, and its a big huge thing, supposedly the largest Halloween parade on the East Coast, or something. And tonight is the parade.

But am I going? Oh Dear GOD, no! We went when I was a kid a few times, and we had to park in a mall parking lot like a mile from the parade route and walk there, and even parking that far away, it still took us like until daybreak Sunday morning to get back home with all the traffic. Well, not really, but anyway....

I bring this up because 20 years ago (oh God...has it REALLY been twnety freakin years?) when I was a senior in highs school, the senior class planned it's Class Kegger for the same night. There's a state forest near where we live and its riddled with dirt trials all through it and up over the mountains here. Back one of these roads was the party spot known to most teenagers as The Shale Pile. It was so called because, well, there was a big mound of shale on the side of the mountain next to the road. And we'd pull off there and party. Until the park rangers discovered we were doing this.

Then, on the road to the Shale Pile, off on the left, was an offshoot road then went down into a kinda of clearing in the forest. I think it was campsite of sorts. Anyway, since the rangers had cut off the Shale Pile, the kegger was held in this campsite.

The Class Kegger, for those of you who don't know, was a tradition for our school. Every year, some group of seniors would get together and have someone get them a keg, or two. And then they'd set them up (usually at the Shale Pile) and tell the rest of the seniors, and charge us a nominal fee, give us a cup, and we'd drink away.

Now, all through high school, i never drank. I didn't discover alcohol until the summer before my senior year. My uncle had a pool and I'd go there and hang out at the pool and with the cool kids in his neighborhood. And they showed me alcohol. I never got hungover (that wasn't until I went to beach after graduation, but that's another story), but we'd drink and hang out. And while I didn't really like the taste of beer, it freed up my inhibitions and allowed me to lighten up and have fun. Like the time David Hawbaker and I were drinking while in the pool (ah, the stupidity of teenagers) and I got up the nerve to yank his trunks off of him. And I wouldn't give them back. (But that's another story) And I digress...

You may be wondering what this all has to do with the mummers parade...bear with me, I'm getting there...

SO I made plans with my friends Connie and Aleia to go to the Class Kegger. But I didn't normally hang out with Connie and Alesia, so I told my parents I was going with my firend Andy to...(wait for it)...the Mummers parade. (Hence the connection) But I forgot to tell Andy of my plan. SO the day of the parade and kegger, Andy calls and i'm still asleep and asks mom to tell me to call him when I get up, he wants to see what I'm doing later.

Yeah...not good.

SO when I get up, mom tells me of the call. I feign confusion, like "What is he talking about? We're supposed to go to the parade!" so i call him back and while im in another room, but speaking loud enough so mom can hear me, I'm like calling him stupid for forgetting, and asking if we're still going and all. ANd so I thought i had my mother convinced it was just Andy being dumb.

Riiiiiiight, like my mom's THAT easily fooled.

SO then, a bit later, this time while I'm in the shower, Connie calls and tells mom to tell me she'll pick me up at liek 730 instead of 700, or something like that. yeah, I hadn't told Connie about the deception either.

Hey, I just started drinking like 4 months before this, i wasn't used to all the depection and alterior planning and stuff that was required! Gimme a break!

So I get outta the shower, and mom tells me about the call. now, to my credit, I can be kinda quick on my feet, cause without missing a beat, I tell mom that Andy said his car was acting up or something, so he was gonna have Connie drive us to the parade. She seemed to buy it and I thought i had dodged a bullet.

But then Andy calls AGAIN, and of COURSE mom answers it and gives it to me. And he wants to know where exactly the kegger is, cause he might end up going too. SO I go outside to talk to him to give him the directions. Outside, during the end of October, after dark, when it's cold. Like I couldn't jsut talk to him inside. I worried that it looked suspicious (and it did) but what else could I do? And when mom didn't say anything, thought I got away with it.

So then at the appointed time, I went outside to wait for Connie and Alesia. This again was unusual, cause normally, my friends came inside and hung out a bit before we'd leave to go somewhere. I just said we didn't want to be late.

SO when they pulled up, I hopped in the car and off we went. I remember on the ride, they had a large soda cup full of 100% proof something or other, or so they said. It tasted like fire when I sipped some down. I don't really remember a lot from the kegger itself, other than there were two camp fires burning about 20 feet apart, and the keg was between them. We each paid two dollars for the big stadium cup they gave us, and then mingled in with the crowds at either fire. People kept moving back and forth from one fire to another. And I remember the surprise of some of the people there gathered to see me there. As I said, I was something of a goody-goody or geek or soemthing prior to this. And actually, being there made me more popular as the school year went along.

I really don't remember more than that, but I know I got home around 200 I think.

And since this post is SO LONG, I'll continue the story on the next post.

POLT = listening to "Roam" by The B-52's

Just because you're a Republican and I'm a Democrat doesn't mean we can't be friends. I'll hug your elephant and you can kiss my ass. - t-shirt

Now move along, hot dog, alright....

Takeru Kobayashi
Sport: Competitive Eating
Takeru Kobayashi is quite simply an eating machine.

Career Highlights: The five-time winner of the Nathan's Famous frankfurter eating contest held each Fourth of July at Coney Island in Brooklyn, New York. In 2004, he broke a contest record, eating 59 hot dogs in 12 minutes. In 2002, he won Fox's Glutton Bowl 1, and in 2003, he just barely lost to a Kodiak bear in a hot dog eating contest on Fox's Man vs. Beast program.

So, why are his opponents scared of him? Have you seen this guy?! Only 131 pounds, Kobayashi is an eating machine. The legend of the sport (and yes, this is a sport!) uses the innovative "Solomon Method" technique when digesting his dogs. A master of the eating style, Koboyashi breaks each hot dog in two, then stuffs both halves in his mouth at once. NFL great William "Refrigerator" Perry tried taking a stab at Koboyashi in 2003 but failed miserably. The 1985 Super Bowl star ate four hot dogs in the competition; Kobayashi had 44 1/2

So why did I post this? I don't know. Something about this appealed to me. Perhaps it's the thought of a small little Asian guy handling so many phallic-symbolic hot dogs.

I'm just glad I don't have to use the bathroom after him following a competition.

POLT = listening to nothing, as I'm posting this from work

It'll be drama...bad, not funny, like Roseanne drama. - Adam, Go

Don't know much about history...

Let us suppose, let us consider something somewhat horrific...what if FauxNews Channel were around and active at various times in the past, what would their headlines have been? What would we have seen on the TV screen, had there been TV's then? Probably something like this (and don't forget to read the tickers at the bottoms!)

First, in the 1700's:

















Next, during the Civil War in the 1860's:















Next, in the South in the early 1960's:













Next, in April 1968:














And again, in the late 1960's:















I sincerely wish I could take credit for these, but I got them from another blogger. And unfortunately, i don't recall which one I got it from. but whoever did these, kudos to you!)

POLT = listening to "My Best Friend's Girl" by the Cars

If you obey all the rules you miss all the fun. - Katherine Hepburn

Can you hear them, they talk about us...

Okay, kids, I've gotten several comments recently, and have kinda been pushing them off to the side, doing other things instead. but now, well, it's time to take care of them.

Firstly, we have Lone Primate (good to see you're back at the Palace) who, in response to the magnets I posted writes:

Shouldn't it be "blue states, keep LEFT", and vice versa? :)

Ya know, Primate, I only noticed that after I bought it. It would have been funnnier that way. Oh well, probably made in China with slave labor, by a business who shipped the American job making magnets overseas. And what does a Chinese slave laborers know about American politics anyways?

Primate also writes, in regards to my Madonna list of songs:

Oh, man... what about Live to Tell? :)

Aw, everybody's a critic. Ya know, I gotta say, I'm just not a ballad kinda guy. I like songs that rock, or make me tap my foot or dance, not a slow song. So that's why it didn't make the list.
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My Fairy Godfather, Mark, commented, on my post about Rosa Park's death and her contribution to all the rights movements in our country:

YES! Without any movements the country would be terribly terribly constipated.

Oh, always the comedian. Your razor sharp wit hasn't been dulled a bit by your move westward. Seriously, had we not had all those movements, the country would be in even worse shape, even more fulla shit than it is now, so yes, in a way, we WOULD be terribly constipated. Thanks for pointing that out. :)
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Next we have a post from anonymous, who truly is anonymous, cause they didn't sign the comment and I have no idea who may have sent it (but mystery IS the spice of life...right?)

Check out the glbt channel, the Q Television Network (www.qtelevision.com). Reichen Lehmkuhl and Sandra Bernhard just joined the channel! YEAH!

I would love to watch the Q network also, but considering where I live, I'm frankly overjoyed to just have Logo! Oh, an welcome to the Palace, anonymous. there's no reason to be shy, we're all friends here. Sign your post next time.
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And Johnnie commented on the post about Madonna's new song and video and movie:

all this is well and good, but how about an opinion on harriett miers pulling out her nomination? i wanted to see her and bushy dragged through the coals thomas style, personally. Now I'm afraid bush will appoint a hardline conservative to appease his base. thoughts?

Frankly, my first thought is you need to not be so dimissive of Mrs. Ritchie. She was making music before you were born, son, have some respect. I hadn't posted an opinion on that stuff cause not everyone loves the political posts I make (and yet, not everyone loves the Madonna posts as well, which, frankly, is a boggle to my mind. but I digress....)

The Miers nomination failed primarily because she wasn't as obviously hardline, far right, wing-nut conservative as the obviously hardline, far right, wing-nut conservatives wanted her to be. Bushie base is in an uproar because of it. SO he very well could appoint a hardline, far right, etc, etc, to appease them. However, that will bring up major problems in the Seante, and probably and attempt to force the "Nuclear Option" again, and if that didn't work when Bushie's ratings were much higher than they are now, why would anyone think that it would work this time around? What's the incentive for McCain and the other 6 Republicans that helped avert it last time, to sudden go back on it and allow the Republican leadership to change the rules to get their way over filibusters?

With all his problems over the last two months (and for those of you who weren't paying attention, that includes the Katrina debacle, out of control energy prices, the Miers nomination, the grand jury investigation, etc), Bushie might want jsut a quick victory to crow about, appointing a "consensus" candidate, that's conservative, but reasonably so. Someone NOT in the wingnut vein of a Scalia or Thomas, but in the vein of a Justice Kennedy or even O'Conner, who they'll be replacing. Someone like that should said through the Senate.

My guess at which way it will go? the first option. When challanged, Bushie has a habit of diggin in his heels and getting a stubborn like a Texas mule, instead of perhaps trying to work on a better altrnative. And a hard fight on a Justice, even if they are NOT approved, will fire up far right base, and get them all foaming at the mouth, and that's the jumpstart they might need to get motivated for next year's elections.

I hope I'm wrong, I seriously do. but I still see a future where Roe v Wade is gone in 5 years and gays have every right stripped from them. It's a sad and bleak future...

POLT - listening to "Road To Nowhere" by The Talking Heads

I've been around the world and found that only stupid people are breeding. - Harvey Danger

Sulu, go to warp!...

October 28, 2005
Star Trek star George Takei comes out
Actor George Takei, best known as Mr. Sulu on the classic TV series Star Trek , comes out of the closet in the new issue of Frontiers . Or rather, as he tells editor Alexander Cho, "It's not really coming out, which suggests opening a door and stepping through. It's more like a long, long walk through what began as a narrow corridor that starts to widen." In the interview, the 68-year-old actor also discusses his childhood in a Japanese-American internment camp, his 18-year relationship, his siblings' inability to accept his homosexuality, and the upcoming Los Angeles production of Equus in which he stars.
Well how about that? Who knew? He was always, to me, the most attractive guy on Star Trek. Some would say Kirk, but nah, he was always kinda....too overbearing to be attractive. Some would say Chekov, but nah, that mop of hair was just too unruly (and yes, I DO know how weird that sounds coming from me). but Sulu...Sulu, strong, in charge, in control, without being overbearing. And he looked really hot without a shirt, something Shatner never did. Oh, and the Asian thing never hurt either.

POLT = listening to "Woo Hoo" by The 5,6,7,8's

I'm just an insignificatn bald guy. - Moby

Care and keep me, hung up on you...

This morning, on the way to work, I was lucky enough to catch on the radio Madonna's new song, "Hung Up." Liked it a lot. It goes back to her roots, it's quite funky. Sounds like it came from the Music CD, thankfully skipping the muck that was her last album.

Then, in the evening, (on Logo, WHOO-HOO), I got to see the premiere of her video for the song. (man, it's great to have a network that actually SHOWS videos). And despite the fact her hair was Farrah Fawcett circa 1978, and her outfit was pulled right from Flashdance, I gotta say, Madge can still work it. Christ, the woman is like 47 or so, and she's movin better than people half her age. And since she's the diva she is, she gets to cast THE hottest young men in her video, shirtless, may I add.

And then, Logo (whoo-hoo) played this movie called "I Want To Tell You A Secret", a sort of documentary about her last tour, the one Aggie and I saw in 2004. She was in DC Gay Pride weekend, what a coincidence! And what a weekend! (And thank you once again, Mark, for the free upgrade on our seats! you are SUCH a saint!) Anyway, the movie was at times an excess in her ego, but was interesting to watch, and the concert footage had me, honestly, up and dancing sometimes. And as a plus, we got to see up close and meet her dancers, which were naturally, all hot as hell, and cute and young! (oh the perks of being a world class diva!)

POLT = listening to "Aura" by The Church

I never wanted to be called 'Black Vulcan'. I wanted to be called 'Supervolt'! 'Black Vulcan' was Aquaman's idea. So, I said, "Well, maybe we should call you 'Whitefish'! - Black Vulcan, Harvey Birdman, Attorney At Law

Got a full house in your mind tonight...

I'm not a master at poker, but I believe that if you've got three of one kind and two of another, then that's called a full house. And so, I give you the following:
The Kershner triplets and the Lane twins, makes a full house. Or a cutie twinkie house. I know they'd fill up MY house! But I'm the queen on this house, and a queen, in this house, trumps cuties, twinkies, triplets and twins. They need to bow to the queen...and while they're down there....

POLT - listening to "Out Tonight" from the Rent soundtrack

I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep everyone's expectations. - Calvin & Hobbes

Bare ass in my face, but I'm okay...

LONDON (AFP) - Britain's Prince Harry was forced to drop his trousers during a military parade to prove he did not have his girlfriend's name tattooed on his royal rear, a British newspaper said. The 21-year-old son of Prince Charles is halfway through his British Army officer training course at the elite Sandhurst academy. The Sun, Britain's biggest-selling daily, said Harry, third in line to the throne, was ordered to bare his bum after rumours spread he had blonde Zimbawean-born girlfriend Chelsy Davy's name inked on. During a parade, a colour sergeant yelled: "Cadet Wales, drop your pants and show me your backside!" Harry, apparently oblivious to the rumour, replied: "Are you serious?" before being ordered: "Just get them off, I want to see if it's true", The Sun said. The prince had his trousers around his knees before the grinning colour sergeant said: "It's OK, Wales, I'll take your word for it!" An unnamed member of Harry's platoon told The Sun: "It was the funniest thing any of us have seen for ages. Everyone had heard the rumour but no one wanted to ask Harry if it was true. "Then one of the colour sergeants decided to play a trick on Harry in front of the whole platoon. "You should have seen Harry's face. We all fell about laughing. Harry blushed, then he also laughed." The Sun said the manner in which Harry took the joke on the chin proved the young prince was "made of the Right Stuff."
Okay, now bearing in mind British newspapers are generally the equivalent to our National Enquirer, the accuracy of this incident is in question. Nonetheless...oh to be Harry's commanding officer....gives one shivers up one's spine, it does....

POLT = listening to "I Know What Boys Like" by The Waitresses

How can someone with glasses that thick be so stupid? - Bart, The Simpsons

A bachelor boy and that's the way I'll stay..

So, late Tuesday, Johnnie emailed me the following. But he didn't say whether he was just sending it to me, his old buddy Uncle Polt, or if it was this week's installment of Testicular Tuesdays. i read it, and it was funny, but there was nary a mention of reproductive organs in it. So I sent an email back to him, asking him if I was use it or just read it. It's not about 22.5 hours after I sent that email, and 20 hours after Tuesday ended, and I've received nada from him on the subject.

SO I'll just use what he sent as his...column, and hope that's what he intended. And so, I give you...

Testicular Tuesdays With Johnnie (on Wednesday)
Thanks to Craigslist.

10 Reasons Why Gay Marriage is Wrong

1. Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.
2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
4. Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
6. Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.
7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.
9. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

POLT = listening to "Save The Last Dance For Me" by Ben E. King

"Have you ever had sex with another guy?" "Define sex." - Zed, Splendor

I'm only into this, enjoy...

This evening, as I frequently do, I popped a frozen entree into the microwave for supper. before doing so, of course, I read the instructions. I've reprinted them here:

1. Remove tray from outer carton, pull back corner of film to vent. (do they really need to tell me to not put the cardboard box into the microwave? If I'm too stupid to not know that, then I'm too stupid to eat, and therefore too stupid to live, and it's right that I die of starvation. but I digress...)
2. Cook on HIGH for 4 minutes. (yes, HIGH and 4 are in bold on the package too. I guess that way if your eyesights bad, you can still see the temp and time)
3. Rotate 1/4 turn. (the amount of turnage isn't in bold...guess that's not that important. And what if, like myself, you have a tray in your microwave that rotates while its cooking? Do i still have to rotate the entree?)
4. Cook on MEDIUM for 4 1/2 minutes. (again, with the bolding....)
5. Let stand in microwave 1-2 minutes. Enjoy. (Now this is one that gets me. Do they REALLY have to tell me to enjoy the entree and part of the cooking of it? What if I choose NOT to enjoy it? If I don't like it and want to return it, can they refuse to accept it because I didn't follow the instructions carefully, which TOLD me to enjoy it?)

Hey, if they can write this stupid crap on their food items, and can make fun of them for it!

POLT = listening to "Situation" by Yaz

Frustration grows best in artificial light. - Details Magazine

You really need to be a superhero...

Okay, so I'm ending the last Blogpoll, which frankly, surprised me. I mean, normally, I have to beg and plead and promise and threaten just to get 10 votes, and here, i got 16! I got like 10 in the first two or three days. Crazy.

The second surprising thing was how many of the voters didn't like ANY of the movies. Crazy nuts, I say. But here is the final results:

Daredevil – 0
Elektra – 0
The Fantastic Four – 0
The Hulk – 0
Spider-Man – 1
Spider-Man 2 – 0
X-Men – 4
X2 – 6
None - 5

So, we had a poll of Marvel movies, it's only fair to have a poll of DC movies. So make sure to vote in the new one. By the way, you will notice that I did not list Superman III because for some unknown reason, that one had Richard Pryor in a main part and was an attempt at comedy; Superman IV, which the least said about the better; Batman & Robin, with the horrible story, Ah-nold, George Clooney, and the bat nipples; and Catwoman, which was so horrible, I didn't even bother to go see it. But please, cast your vote anyway!

POLT = listening to "Greek Song" by Rufus Wainwright

The Edsel...must be the most thoroughly planned prodcut ever introduced. - Fortune Magazine, Sept 1957

It's a colorful world, it's a beautiful world...

This is something I got early last November, and while it's almost a year old, I'll post it to commemorate a sad anniversary of a depressing, disappointing event.

Very sad.

POLT = listening to "Mr. Brightside" by The Killers

Dear Lord, please let the show be a success, please let the Imodium kick in, please let the band be sober, and dear GOD, please let the who end before Popeye's closes! - Bette Midler, Bette

Rock on, gold dust woman...

I gotta say, my favorite song at the moment is "Gold Digga" by Kanye West. Yeah, yeah, I know, I know....it's a song that one would think I wouldn't like...but dammit, everytime it comes on, I just HAVE to sing along. The beat and the chorus just drag me in. I downloaded it my iPod and i've been playing tha damn things almost nonstop since.

Here's the lyrics, they're somewhat infectious. If you're easily offended, skip right past this part, please. Thanks.

Now I aint sayin she a gold digger, But she aint messin wit no broke niggaz
Now I aint sayin she a gold digger, But she aint messin wit no broke niggaz
get down girl gone head get down
get down girl gone head get down
get down girl gone head get down
get down girl gone head

Cutie the bomb, Met her at a beauty salon,
With a baby louis vuitton, Under her underarm,
She said I can tell you ROC, I can tell by ya charm,
Far as girls you got a flock, I can tell by ya charm and ya arm,
But I'm lookin for the one, have you seen her,
My psychic told me she have a ass like Serena, Trina, Jennifer Lopez, four kids,
An i gotta take all they bad ass to show-biz,
Ok get ya kids, but then they got their friends,
I pulled up in the Benz, they all got up in,
We all went to Den and then I had to pay,
If you fuckin with this girl then you betta be payed, You know why,
It take too much to touch her, From what I heard she got a baby by Busta,
My best friend say she use to fuck wit Usher,
I dont care what none of yall say I still love her

Now I aint sayin she a gold digger, But she aint messin wit no broke niggaz,
Now I aint sayin she a gold digger, But she aint messin wit no broke niggaz,
get down girl gone head get down, get down girl gone head get down,
get down girl gone head get down, get down girl gone head

18 years, 18 years, She got one of yo kids got you for 18 years,
I know somebody payin child support for one of his kids,
His baby momma's car and crib is bigger than his,
You will see him on TV Any Given Sunday, Win the Superbowl and drive off in a Hyundai,
She was spose to buy ya shorty TYCO with ya money,
She went to the doctor got lypo with ya money,
She walkin around lookin like Michael with ya money,
Should of got that insured got GEICO for ya money money money,
If you aint no punk holla We Want Pre-nup,
WE WANT PRE-NUP!, Yeaah! It's something that you need to have,
Cause when she leave yo ass she gone leave with half,
18 years, 18 years, And on her 18th birthday he found out it wasn't his,

Now I aint sayin she a gold digger, But she aint messin wit no broke niggaz,
Now I aint sayin she a gold digger, But she aint messin wit no broke niggaz,
get down girl gone head get down, get down girl gone head get down,
get down girl gone head get down, get down girl gone head

Now I aint sayin you a gold digger, you got needs,
You dont want ya dude to smoke but he can't buy weed,
You got out to eat and he cant pay, Yall cant leave,
There's dishes in the back, He gotta roll up his sleeves,
But why yall washin watch him, He gone make it into a Benz out of that Datson,
He got that ambition baby, Look in his eyes,
This week he moppin floorz next week it's the fries,
So, stick by his side, I know his dude's ballin but yea thats nice,
And they gone keep callin and tryin, But you stay right girl,
But when you get on he leave yo a** for a white girl

Get down girl gone head get down,
Get down girl gone head get down,
Get down girl gone head get down,
Get down girl gone head

POLT = listening to "Gold Digga" by Kanye West, obviously

The boy's strong as an ox...and just as smart. - Foghorn Leghorn

Rosa bella tu eres....

Today, Rosa Parks died at the age of 92. It was just a little over a month shy of the 50th anniversary of her refusal to give up her seat. Amazing that a small black woman could spark the whole Civil Rights movement. And without that, could we have had Women's Lib? Or gay rights? Imagine how poorer this country would be without any of those movements.
Rest in peace.

POLT = listening to the Blue Danube

As we ascend the social ladder, viciousness wears a thicker mask. - Erich Fromm

Come together, put some love back in, network, we network...

Sunday night, I'm flipping through the channels, checking out what's on, which naturally, is really nothing. And get into some of the upper channels I rarely visit, and see, by the digital cable bar at the bottom, that the movie that just went off this one channel was Latter Days.

Now, Latter Days is a nice little gay love story, a sweet little movie, but very much a gay movie. And so I think, "Latter Days? Who would be showing that?" And I look for the channel insignia and I find it and my thought process goes like this:

Logo. - Oh, it's Logo.

Logo?- Whoa, that's the gay channel, can that be right?

Logo! - It IS the gay channel! I can get LOGO!

Man, I woulda whooped and hollared, if I could have! I was hoping against hope that we'd get it. I was prepared to pay special for it, like HBO and Showtime, if I had to, even though I didn't really have the free cash to do so. But here is was, free! well, not free, but I don't have to pay anymore for it! WHoo-Hooo.

Who'd have thought a gay network would be showing on the cable system in lil old, very red, extremely conservative, terminally Republican Waynesboro PA? Not me! Guess this is why capitalism works, cause if there's a profit to be made, it will be. Apparently, money trumps politics, and "morals" and the prudish attitudes of the area in which I live. Gotta love it. And gotta love Comcast for doing it.

POLT = listening to "Comfortably Numb" by The Scissors Sisters

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Right or wrong, the truth won't go away...

Now THIS is truth in advertising, eh?

Bet they'd pick up a lot more late night, stoner business if they actually used this campaign.

POLT = listening to "Ah, Leah" by Donnie Iris

You miserable little attention deficit! - The Joker

You are a magnet and I am steel...

When I was in DC last weekend, I bought these two magnets. Not that I need any more magnets, but because they made me laugh. And really, can one have TOO many magnets?

And just so Phoenix knows, yes i DID use my scanner to get these. So there.

POLT = listening to "Rhiannon" by Fleetwood Mac

You are....toe jam! You are....navel lint! - Maddie Hayes, Moonlighting

MONDAY'S HOT SHIRTLESS GUY PHOTO

If this isn't damn near perfection, then I don't know what is!

POLT = listening to "Are You Gonna Be My Girl" by Jet

When someone purposefully overeducates themselves out of useful employment, I take issue. - Edwina, Absolutely Fabulous

See the little girl lost...

My mom was shampooing carpets and I was there along with my 5 year old cousin, whom I'll call Lexi, because, that's her name. We were taking her to see the new Wallace and Gromitt movie, as a surprise, but we had to eat first, and she was kinda underfoot, so I said I'd take her to McDonald's with me and we'd pick up some food. So I buckled her into the carseat in the backseat and we were on our way.

On the way to Mickey D's, I snapped a picture of her with my camera. I just held it over my shoulder and snapped, and it came out pretty good actually.
Anyway, we get to McDonalds and place our orders. She wanders over to this 3 sided video game machine they have placed there, but I'm watching her the whole time. So while we're waiting for our food, I think I'll just fill up my drink. BUt first I went to her and told her, either stay right at the game machine or come over right by me, but do not wander off anywhere else. And she says okay.

So I go to the Coke machine, which is on the other end of the restuarant, but I can still see her. I fill my drink up, and as I'm finishing, I see her next to me. She wants to push the button to fill the drink up. I tell her I'm already finished filling it. Looking a little rejected, she nods and starts off back to the video machine.

So I top off the cup with soda, get a lid and put it on, then grab a straw, peel it and put it in the lid. I then turned and started towards the machine. But I didn't see her. So I figured she was on the other side of it, where I couldn't see her. I got to the machine...and she was nowhere to be seen.

Surprisingly, I didn't panic. I thought, she has to be here somewhere. So i checked all three sides of the machine (which i could just by moving my head a little bit) and didn't see her. I looked back to the counter (where our food still wasn't ready) and to the Coke machine and didn't see her anywhere.

The restrooms are in sight of the machine, so my first thought was, "she went to the bathroom. but how can I check?" And then behind me, and older said, "Sir?" When I turned around she said, "Are you looking for her?" and there was Lexi, at ANOTHER video game, at the front of the restaurant, half way between the one I was at and the Coke machine. I thanked the lady, and got Lexi. I brought her up to the counter, cause I figured our food would be ready soon.

I knelt down next to her, so I was at her level, and explained what she had done and that it worried me, cuase I didn't know where she was. She said she was at a video machine game. Which, technically was true. Adn therefore she didn't disobey me, but it wasn't the one I meant for her to be at. She wasn't saying it defensively, just like an obvious statement of fact. Oh, the simplicity of the thinking of a child.

I didn't scold her, because she didn't purposefully disobey, it was just a miscommunication. So then we picked up the food and the evening progressed.

But that night, in bed, I got to thinking about what COULD have happened. I mean, what if she had wandered off. Or if someone had taken her. God, my cousin would kill me, not to mention what could have happened to her.

I love kids, really I do, but perhaps its a good thing I don't have any. Or at least don't have responsibility over any. Other than being the cool uncle, Uncle Polt. The one they play with and have fun with. Cause that duty I can easily fill!

POLT = listening to "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel

What good is beauty if it's only skin deep?

Lady Madonna, children at your feet...

I know quite a few of you won't care about this, but I give you, in my opinion, the top 10 best Madonna songs:

10. Into The Groove
9. Don't Tell Me
8. Music
7. Beautiful Stranger
6. Like A Virgin
5. Express Yourself
4. Like A Prayer
3. Vogue
2. Material Girl
1. Ray Of Light

These are posted in hopes that her forthcoming album is much MUCH better than the last disaster.

POLT = listening to "Cell Block Tango" from the Chicago soundtrack

"Up to your old tricks?" "Never old ones." - Brian, Queer As Folk

A statistic, at this moment....

Heard this somewhere recently, I think it might have been the Daily Show, but I'm not certain. At any rate, they were going over Bushie poll ratings, and how far they had fallen (too bad this isn't 2004, I say), and they mentioned that in the poll, 2% of African-Americans approved of Bushie's handling of his job.

But then he pointed out, there was a margin of error of plus or minus 4 points. So, it's possible that among Blacks, Bushie has an approval rating of -2%! The commentator then went onto wonder how one gets a negative approval rating? Does that mean that since ALL Black Americans disapprove of Bushie, and there's still 2% left over, that he must disapprove of them by 2%?

But, as the commentator said, that shouldn't be a problem, cause as we all know, the Bushie family, including Barbara, disapprove of blacks somewhere in the 95% range, approving of only Condie Rice (and they keep her out of the country most of the time) and the slav- I mean, servents - er, um, maids and butlers at the White House and thier other various homes around the nation.

I'm pretty sure this was the Daily Show, cause I remember laughing my ass off at the report. And I doubt any other media outlet has the balls to go up against the Bushies in such a fashion.

POLT = listening to "Jane Says" by Jane's Addiction

This time I've lost my mind, and I don't care. - Green Day

Do you want my job, I hump the stuff and take the cash...

If I could have any job in the world, I think it would have to be this one. This chick has my dream job:
Applier Of Oil To Male Stippers. yeah, if there's any of these positions open anywhere, shoot me an email.

That, or Custom Condom Fitter. yeah, either one would be cool.

POLT = listening to "Let's Dance" by David Bowie

There is no always, there is only now. - Mikey, Queer As Folk

Razor keen, and good again...

I think "Hopes and Fears" by Keane has become my current favorite album. Oh I like other individual songs more, but overall, Keane's whole album really rocks.

They've got a unique sound, and it wasn't until I had heard the songs a few times that I realized what it was: no guitar. There's a bass, a keyboard, and some drums, but no guitar. That's not terribly unusual, after all The Doors had no guitar player either, but Keane sounds nothing like the Doors. They remind me of Coldplay, or the Verve, or even early Radiohead...sorta.

They have a very...European sound to them. Everytime I hear their songs, it reminds of some foreign cosmopolitan city. i don't know why that is, it just is.

Anyway, you outta give em a listen to. See if you agree or disagree.

POLT = listening to "Atomic" by Blondie

Straight boys don't have washboard stomachs. - More Tales Of The City

Wrath, hear the mighty sound of damnation...

So if I understand it all correctly, God sent Hurricane Katrina to slam into the Gulf Coast because New Orleans had Mardi Gras, abortion clinics and gay festivals. If that is so, then what does it say when Hurricane Wilma, which is bearing down on Florida like a runaway train, is going to be the 5th hurricane to hit Florida with in a year?

What could Florida possibly be doing to incur 5x the wrath of God that was sent to New Orleans? Have Jeb Bush as thier governor? Help elect Bushie president twice? Maybe be run by a batch far right, corrupted Republicans? (no, Mississippi is run by a batch of far right Corrupted Republicans, but Katrina was clearly the fault of New Orleans alone).

Oh, I know! Gay Days at Disney! That celebration they have once a year at Disney, when gays take over the park in red shirts. Yep, that's gotta be it. Course, that being the case, I'd be real afraid if I lived in Anaheim California near the other Disney park. I'm sure God will be turning his eye towards that soon.

POLT = listening to nothing, cause I posted at work

She is, of course - beautiful, I knew she would be. The really wicked ones always are. - Bram

Death of a drag queen, tragic and fully obscene...

When bad drag happens to cute guys....

POLT = listening to "Magnet & Steel" by Walter Egan

"The point of a date is to get to know someone before you fuck them." "What a dumb idea." - Mikey, Queer As Folk

Been pissing in the wind, I chance a foolish grin...

I hate urinals!

There...just needed to be said. Anytime I'm in a public restroom, I always choose the toilet stall. Urinals are just digusting.

You ladies probably won't be able to appreciate this. the sight of looking down into a urinal, and seeing the little puddle of who knows how many different people's urine. Hearing the puddle bubble and splatter when you're pissing into it. Feeling the urine from the puddle splatter out onto your legs when you're wearing shorts. And the odor that wafts up to assault your nostrils...well, that's best left undescribed. Yes, it is a regular feast for the senses. (all the sense except taste....and even Uncle Polt doesn't have the stomach to go there...)

"But don't piss into the puddle at the bottom," you say. "You can pee into the back of the urinal, and let it run down into the puddle." yes, i can...and have the unmitigated joy of feeling my own urine then splatter onto the backs of my hands and front of my pants or shorts. That's always fun.

The only good thing I can think of for urinals is that it allows you to cop a peek and what the cute guy at another urinal is packing. But even that has a downside, I mean getting you ass kicked in a public restroom is definately not something desirable.

But on the upside, when my job is going badly, and my co-workers are working on my one last good nerve and my boss is making me consider purchasing a fire arm to go postal with, I just say to myself, "Self, it could be worse. You're job could be Urinal Cake Replacer."

POLT = listening to "Disarm" by The Smashing Pumpkins

Oh we're so pretty, we're so pretty vacant! - The Sex Pistols

Shave every day and you'll always look keen...

Okay, so I walk into an office today at work, a female coworker, K, is talking with a male coworker, T. I open the door, took a step in, and heard K say, "Yeah, well, Carmen Elektra has her asshole hairs waxed. Twice a month. Saw it on TV."

I froze. They both stopped talking and looked at me. I looked from one to the other and back. And as I hadn't taken my hand off the doorknob yet, I just retraced that one step into the room I had made, walked back out into the hallway and shut the door behind me, to the sounds of thier laughter.

I have no idea what they were talking about. I don't want to know what the hell they were talking about. There's just some things in this world that man isn't meant to know: why good people die young; the Theory Of Relativity; why cats always land on thier feet (personally, I go with the idea that it's just one of their demonic abilities, as they are the spawn of Satan); what people were thinking when they voted for Bushie...twice; The Bermuda Triangle;and that statement.

POLT = listening to "All I Want Is You" by U2

Never raise your hands to your kid. It leaves your groin unprotected. - Red Buttons

Open your heart, don't want to be left behind...

Phoenix commented about Sunday's trip:

Yeah, my legs were hurting me Monday as well. Not used to walking that distance on a normal day.

Well, it's good to know it wasn't just may age.

And as for leaving me at Starbucks... remember I was the one that drove us down there. Without me you still woulda been stuck in DC. Of course maybe that wouldn't have been such a bad thing for you...

You would have been left at Starbucks, but you told me if I didn't show up in an hour, you'd call my cellphone. So, technically, I had probably 45 minutes at that point before you would have raised an eyebrow....and one can do a lot in 45 minutes.

Leaving me in DC, hmmm, no not necessarily a good idea. At least not with that particular guy, but man, I gotta tell ya, there's been guys I've seen there that I wouldn't have minded being stranded in DC with!

POLT = listening to "Hate To Say I Told You So" by The Hives

Mark Bingham (the gay rugby player who aided in the attempted takeover of the plane that crashed in Pennsylvania on 911) is what America is all about. - Senator John McCain

The great British mistake, when will it be over...

Found this on another blog. It was from a British guy. Made me laugh, you might get a chuckle from it as well.

To the citizens of the United States of America

In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how incorrect your pronunciation has been. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U" is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix "burgh" is pronounced "burra", as in Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire, New Hampshireshire etc.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nonces). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "****". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French; they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2006) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation

Hehehe, not too keen on number 6, but other than that, hey, if the Founding Fathers were alive now, I'm sure they'd rather have kept British rule than what we got now.

POLT = listening to "Days Go By" by Dirty Vegas

Life is the longest death. - Rufus Wainwright

The mohair lockerroom pin up boys...

No, this post has nothing to do with lockerrooms, mohair, pinup boys, or porn (unfortunately), I just liked the lyric. This post does have to do with pin ups though. I was looking at my guestmap tonight, and I have 7 people who put themselves on it. (well, 5 actually, since the people at Bravenet put themsevles on it, an I put myself on it, so those two don't really count).

At any rate, thanks to Freddie, Ghostie, Johnnie and Phoenix, all of whom I know. And Moonspells also, whom i don't know, but who found my blog through The Lone Primate and put herself on my map. (strange, though, that the Lone Primate himself didn't put himself on it yet...)

At any rate, I'd like to extend a formal invitation to everyone else, regular reader, casual visitor, or someone just stumbling upon the Palace for the first time: please, put yourself on my map. I like to see where my visitors are from.

(yeah, I know this is like begging, a cheap ploy for people to do it, perhaps even to instill some guilt in them...but hey, doing this increased the votes on the blogpoll, didn't it?)

POLT = listening to "Fell In Love With A Girl" by The White Stripes

It's only kinky the first time!

I don't want to play basketball, yea baby...

So, as I understand it (and since this involved basketball, I very could be wrong) but recently, there was a 3 hour yacht trip some b-ball players took and after 40 minutes, the crew turned it around back to land, because of all the sex, debachery and other offensive stuff going.

Then, the owner of one of the teams, I think Detroit, but again, I could be wrong, instituted either a dress code, or a behavior code on his players.

And I just read in the paper how the NBA has now instituted a league wide dress code.

The last two done, I would assume, to combat the arrogant, immature, disgusting, and sex crazed antics of the atheletes in the game.

Now bearing in mind that I have no problem with arrogant, immature, disgusting and sex crazed antics, I don't believe a dress code, of all things, will stop it. I just can't imagine some member of the NBA thinking, "Gee, I'd love to go pick up some hookers and snort of coke with them while involved in sex orgy, being filmed by a few underage kids, BUT, I'm wearing khakis and a polo shirt, not my purple stiped pimp suit and hat, so I better not." Please.

What will stop them acting this way? Have a salary scale that pays them between $50,000 and $100,000 a year. And no more. No more couple million a year salary with multi million dollar signing bonus. Cut back on the money, and that'll cut back on the free cash they have for "bling bling" and debauchery.

And not just basketball. You could stop a lot of arrogant childish antics by paying a humbling wage to any of the major pro sports: baseball, hockey, even my own beloved football. I mean, seriously, all pro atheletes are seriously overpaid anyway, for contribution nothing, really, to society except being able to handle a ball better than most. Just cause you're a chucklehead that can catch, throw, or dunk a certain ball better than the average guy doesn't, or at least shouldn't, entitle you to make obscene amounts of money.

But Lady Luck is a fickle female, and Karma normally comes into play when the chowder heads spend their money like idiots and then, when they can't paly anymore, they don't have a reserve of cash to live off of.

Course, then, they become sports casters. *shudder*

POLT = listening to "Da Da Da, You Don't Love Me" by Trio

In life, whoever has the most fun, wins! - TV Commercial

Just don't look at the gross, gross man...

Johnnie commented on the photos I posted for "thought & humor":

freakin gross

Oh, now John, don't be that way. It's not like that's the first time you saw a bunch of naked men in one place. No, not the locker room, this was a bit more...erotic in nature. Shall I mention one word? Remington's.

Nuff said, eh?

POLT = listening to "Let's Dance" by David Bowie

If there's a god - if there's a god, why do I feel so ashamed? - Ellen James Society

You're just a closet queen and you're not impressing me...

So, got a comment tonight by "Thought & Humor" which contained little thought, but was rather humorous. He/she/it posted a bunch of standardized dreck and drivel including some quotes from the Bible, some math that doesn't add up, The New York Times, and some writing that resembled nothing so much as a form letter. It's like the stuff that's spammed to your email, although this can't be spam, as some living, breathing, possibly (but not necessarily) intelligent person has to type in a bunch of letters.

It's funny to me that someone would take the time to post that on my blog. Well, firstly, its surprising to me that if someone stumbled upon the Palace and didn't like what they read here, that they'd bother to stop and post something and not just move on. ANd I wonder, do they REALLY think that just by reading this self-righteous tripe that I'm gonna have an epiphany and there will be a bean of light shine down on me, with cherubs strumming little harps circling overhead, and I'll then sin no more?

And they posted the comment onto Testicular Tuesdays With Johnnie! The one part of the Palace done by a STRAIGHT person! hehehhehe....

I'm not going to post the comment here because, really, you come here for fun and entertainment, and while the stupidity of this does have it's own level of humor, it's not enough to warrant copying to the Palace itself. If you wanna read it, just click on the comment section itself. but, really, its not worth your time.

Oh well, if they're spamming my blog with this stuff that means they're not out bashing the head in of the random homosexual they run into on the street. Bashing his head in for Christ, mind you.

And just to prove there's no hard feelings, here's a photo ot three for you, "thought & humor". Enjoy.

POLT = listening to "My Sharona" by The Knack

I'm a stone dead tripper, dying in a fantasy. - The Jesus And Mary Chain, "Blues From A Gun"

Tell me baby, how are you fixed for love...

Testicular Tuesdays With Johnnie

Hey folks, it’s Tuesday which means it’s time to talk about testicles. Today’s testiticular story is a sad tale about a boy and his dog. It’s been about a year since I had Montana neutered, which means that it is a time of mourning. I remember the day so clearly. Montana was so excited that I was still home at noon instead of off at work. He must have been sure that I’d set the day aside just for him. Little did he know how close to the truth that was. When I walked him out to the car his little eyes lit up and his tail started wagging. "I get to go for a ride!" he must have been thinking. As we drove to the vet I kept telling him "I’m sorry, boy, it has to be done." He just kept wagging his tail. If only he wasn’t so damn happy! When I stopped at the vet he got even more excited. Unlike most dogs Montana loves going to the vet. He loves meeting people whenever possible and adores the attention they give him. He didn’t get worried at all until he realized I wasn’t staying with him. He cried a little and pulled toward me. That was the last time I saw my puppy with balls.

I called back after his surgery to make sure he was ok and they said he was sleeping. When I came to pick him up he was overjoyed. Despite the anesthesia, he was bouncing around and rubbing up against me. So happy I was there, not realizing I was the cause of his suffering. He threw up from the anesthesia a few times, but other than that was fine. Balless, but fine. When he was healed enough to go the park he became obsessed with tennis balls or any kind of balls he could find. He’s figured out how to hold two in his mouth at the same time. Sometimes he takes them off to his own little spot and lies down with them. He gets really angry if another dog tries to take his balls. To this day I still feel a twinge of guilt. If I had it to do over again I would have done one thing differently. I would have gotten a girlfriend that insisted he gets neutered so I can say "No! I won’t neuter my dog!" Then I could cave in and take him and say "See what that bitch made me do to you?" Damn it, I should have thought of that ahead of time.

Polt = listening to "Another Brick In The Wall, PartII" by Pink Floyd

I want live life in the fast lane, but I'm married to a speed bump.