Say she like to think about cuttin in restrooms...

Today, I went out to lunch. On the way back, I stopped in the parking lot to talk to a co-worker. It wasn't super hot or humid like it had been a few weeks ago, but it was warm, a little sticky, and I was standing out in the sun, so I started to sweat a little bit. Got a slight sheen of sweat on my torso.

Upon getting back into the building, I had to, as we say, take a dump. SO I went into the bathroom. Now our bathrooms at work are uni-sex. Basically, there's a toilet, sink and mirror in a small room and that's it. SO I went in, pushed my pants and underwear down around my ankles, as I always do, and proceeded to do my business.

(Yeah, I know this is gross so far, bear with me, though...)

As I said I had been sweating, and was still damp. So, since I was wearing a pullover short sleeve shirt, I just pulled my arms out of it, but left it around my neck. That way I wouldn't mess up my hair, and I wouldn't have to put the shirt on the floor amongst God only knows what else has been on that floor. And, with the a/c blowing around, it might dry some of the sweat.

So, take a second and, no matter how unpleasant it may be, picture the scene: Uncle Polt, ont he shitter, pants and boxers around his ankles, shirt laying loosely around his neck and on his shoulders.

And it was then, kids, that I realized I hadn't locked the bathroom door. How did I realize this? Wait for it....wait for it..... Cause it was at that moment the door opened! And this door doesn't open slowly, oh NO. It flew open. And there was a different co-worker already one foot, most of a leg, and a good portion of his upper body in the doorway.

Well, naturally, I did what anyone would do in that situation. I screamed. I screamed like a lil girl who had just seen a spider. I screamed like a baby for it's mama. I screamed like every slasher victim in every slasher movie. I saw my co-worker, whom we'll call Jon, cause I'm certain he wouldn't want his real name used jump, physically jump. I saw his head jerk up at me and scream as well. I'm hoping he was screaming at the fact I startled him with my scream, and not the view he was presented with, but who can tell for sure.

And neither of these screams were a short, polite little "Oh!" Oh hell no. They were more like "AHHHHHHH!" and "YAAAAAAAA!" something along those lines. After a seemingly endless scream time, Jon yanked the door shut and I heard from the other side, "I'msorrysorrysorrysorry!" To which I replied, "Oh no, man, I'm sor-" but he cut me off by saying, further in the distance, "Sorrysorrysorry..." as he quickly walked away.

Taking a few seconds to recover, I started to chuckle through my embarrassment. And I KNOW I was embarrassed, cause my face was not just warm but HOT! In fact, I believe I'm blushing again as i type this. And then I realized, the door STILL wasn't locked! And that took away any remaining need I had to do anything more there.

I got up, kinda hunched over, and leaned over to lock the door (thank God the room is small), and then...tidied myself up. I washed my hands and left. I stood in the hallway, half expecting people to come running at any minute cause I was certain our screaming could have been heard at least two counties away, but no one came.

Jon's office wasn't too far away, and I thought he might have been wondering why I was sitting there mostly undressed. So I mustered my courage and went there. His door was open. I knocked on it as I stepped in and said, "Hey, Jon, in case you-"

He looked up from his desk, a glare in his eye as if I'd just kicked his dog. "Nothing happened and we shall NEVER speak of this again." I smiled cause I thought he was being funny so I said, "Yeah, but-" and he cut me off by making one of those "zipper" moves across his lips, and then he looked back down to the paperwork on his desk.

I shrugged and headed back to my own office. And I've not seen Jon since then. I might run into him tomorrow, and I need to think of something suitably funny and yet disturbing enough to set him off, since the whole thing is somehow apparently bothering him more than me.

POLT = listening to "Galvanize" by The Chemical Brothers

But I also made clear to him that it's important to think beyond the old days of when we had the concept that if we blew each other up, the world would be safe. - George W. Bush