Your affectionate squeeze, fogs up my goggles and buckles my knees...

You may recall, for last week's HNT, I spent $25 for a set of swimming goggles and Speedo swimcap that I'll probably never use again. I wondered what to do with them. I didn't want to just throw them in a drawer where they'd slowly deteriorate over time. I thought of prominently displaying them in the living room...but realized they'd just get covered with clutter and dust.



So then I thought, maybe I'd see if anyone else wanted them. I started asking around.


I asked my pet dog, Barker if he wanted them...

But he said, "I'm just a stuffed dog, what do I want with goggles and a swimcap?"


So then I asked Superman if he wanted them....

But he said, "I'm wearing this Mickey Mouse Ears cap you've had me wearing for several years now, and I've grown somewhat attached to it, so I believe I'll decline. Perhaps Aquaman would be interested!"


But not knowing Aquaman, I decided to ask Bingo if he wanted them....

But he said, "I'm not quite over my previous trauma, I don't think I'm ready for anything like swimming."


So I decided to ask Susie's old polka-dotted robe if it wanted them....

But it said, "Hey, I'm a freakin' polka-dotted bathrobe! Where the hell would I use a cap and goggles for anyway?" (The robe's developed a bit of an attitude, apparently).


So then I decided to ask Eric Cartman if he wanted them...

But he just swore at me in a high pitched barely understandable voice and said something about not being fat and called me a bitch.


So then I decided to ask the flowers on my balcony if they wanted them....

But they told me that they were all dead now, from lack of water, and since I had murdered them so callously, what would make me think that even in my wildest dreams, they'd take something so stupid from the guy who killed them. And offering them something to be used in the water when lack of that is what they died from, was that, they wanted to know, supposed to be ironic or something? ...The flowers always were a bit melodramatic...


So then I decided to ask the cute fireman on one of my calendars if he wanted them...

But he said, "Sorry, dude, but I'm only gonna be up here until the end of August, and so in a week I'm not gonna have any need for them anyway. Although if you want to gaze at me longingly for the next week and wistfully fantasize about me, please feel free to do so."


So, once I pulled my eyes away and got my mind back on track, I decided to ask Madonna if she wanted them...

But she said, "You want to know if I want WHAT? Call my people, I'm on tour now, I've got to rehearse."


So then I decided to ask Hayden Christensen if he wanted them....

But he said, "Uh....I'm only two-dimensional, what would I use them for?" I told him I wasn't even talking about his acting ability such that it is, but whatever, and moved on.


So then I decided to ask Lefty the Liberal Democratic donkey if he wanted them....

But he said, "I'm all settled in watch a week's worth of news coverage of the Democratic Convention, I have no time for things like swimming or goggles or caps."


So then I decided to ask Legolas if he wanted them....

And he was thrilled to take them. They'll be kept right there, on him, next to my bed.

Now, if I could just persuade him to leave that Elven clothing and quiver behind and put on a matching Speedo, my bedroom would be decorated to my expectations. I mean, what bedroom DOESN'T need a long haired, blonde, sleek, Elven, Legolas in a Speedo in it?

POLT Listening to "Dirty Day" by U2

I wish the world was a fly and I was a rolled up newspaper! - Al Bundy, Married With Children